“She’s tough. Keeps everyone in line, my father included. No one else can do that.” His voice warms slightly. “She throws these big parties for all our birthdays and hosts fancy brunches with wives from other families that work under us.”
Right. I definitely don’t need more details about international crime family networks.
“Tell me something about yourself from when you were younger. I want to know more about you.”
I go rigid against him. Panic rushes through my brain, scrambling for something to say. That I was the loser in high school everyone picked on, the nerd who studied instead of going to parties because nobody invited me anyway?
“I was the captain of the math team,” I say and then immediately wince. Of all the things I could’ve said, that’s what came out.
“Math team?”
“Um, yeah. We had these competitions against other schools, and we always won. Thanks to me, actually.” I’m making this worse. “I was really good at calculus and probability problems. Could solve them faster than anyone else.”
He’s quiet for a second, and I can feel my face burning. Great. Now he knows I’m a complete nerd.
“That’s impressive.”
I blink. “Really?”
“You were the best at something. Led a team to victory. That takes skill.”
“It was just math competitions. Not exactly cool.”
“Who gives a shit about cool? You were good at it.”
The way he says it, so matter-of-fact, like being captain of the math team is actually something worth mentioning instead of the social death sentence it was in high school, makes something warm settle in my chest.
“Thanks,” I mutter against his skin. “Though I’m pretty sure that makes me the least interesting person you’ve ever met.”
“You’re not boring, Kelly.”
“I literally just told you my biggest achievement in high school was solving math problems.”
“You accomplished something real. I dropped out and went straight into the family business. What you did actually matters.”
I nod against his skin. The rise and fall of his chest should calm me, but instead I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something that’s going to swallow me whole.
I’m so scared. Of waking up one day and him realizing I’m not worth the effort. That all this was just borrowed time,something he’ll grow tired of when he sees what I really am underneath. That I’m pathetic.
I’ve spent so long being someone’s mistake that I don’t know how to be someone’s choice. Don’t know how to believe I could be. And when he leaves, not if, when, because people like me don’t get to keep people like him, I’ll still be here. Still broken. Still the person nobody stayed for. And this time it’ll hurt worse because for a little while, I let myself believe it could be different.
I press my face harder into his chest, breathing him in, trying to memorize the way his arms feel around me. The warmth. The safety. All of it. Because soon this will just be another thing I had and lost, and I need to remember what it felt like to be held like I mattered, even if it was only for a moment.
Chapter 16
Alexei
“Ihave an idea.”
I lift my eyes from my UNO cards and glance at Mikhail. “Keep it to yourself. Your ideas have a perfect track record of being fucking terrible.”
“Shut up.” He throws another card onto the pile with more force than necessary.
Daniil’s shoulders shake with quiet laughter. He adds a card of his own to the growing pile.
We’ve been playing this game since we were kids. Mikhail’s still a sore loser, always has been. He can’t handle losing at anything, especially not at UNO where luck plays too big a role for his liking. Daniil always cheats at this game; I can’t prove it, but he always fucking wins.
I could tell Mikhail first about Kelly. He’s drowning in his own chaos, won’t have the energy to judge mine. Work my way through the family from easiest to hardest, let them process it one at a time. Or just rip the bandage off and tell them all at once. Call a meeting, lay it out, deal with whatever comes after. Father’s going to lose his shit either way.
