Spoken in a different way, this might be another sweet nothing. But there is a nuance in his tone that sends a prickle of defensiveness up my spine.
‘Sam, Ihaveto go to London,’ I point out, gently. ‘I’ve got no choice. That’s where my job is, and I have a daughter to support.’
‘I know,’ he says.
‘And it’s not like you can’t visit. It’s only two hundred miles.’
‘Two hundred and twenty.’
‘What’s another twenty between friends?’ I say lightly.
He looks up. ‘Between friends?’
‘It’s just . . . a saying,’ I shrug, but my face heats up.
His expression is enigmatic.
‘Thing is, Jules, I just don’t know how this is going to work once you move. You say it won’t affect anything, but I think we both know that’s just not true.’
‘I didn’t say it won’t affectanything. I just said . . . look, it’s not like I’m moving to a different continent,’ I argue. ‘We can still come and see each other. There are trains. Weekends. We’ll never get bored.’
I throw in an optimistic smile that clearly has zero effect on him. A defensive ring of heat begins to spread around my neck. ‘What else is it you want from me, Sam? What are you asking me for? To stay in Roebury? Because I can’t. You already know that.’
He presses his lips together and nods. ‘I know I can’t ask anything of you, Jules. But I do think this whole thing has shone a light on something, that’s all.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I sometimes get the impression that your ideal scenario would be to just . . . I don’t know, get together for sex once every six weeks.’
‘Well, it could be more often than that,’ I blurt out. I know the moment the words are out of my mouth that frequency is not the issue.
‘It’s not a booty call that I’m looking for at this stage in my life, Jules.’
I feel a sudden gust of panic, followed by a need to defend myself.
‘You are making out like I’ve led you on in some way, Sam, but I never have,’ I say, my voice rising. ‘I enjoy spending time with you. I like you very much. We go way back and being together is fun and easy and nicer than I ever imagined anything could be after Ed died. But I never said I was looking for something. . . huge. And if you’ve been thinking there is any chance of me ever getting married again then I need to stop you right there because that is not on the cards for me and it never will be. If you’ve got some big, mad idea about—’
‘No,’ he interrupts, silencing me. He looks up and shakes his head. ‘No big mad idea.’
I swallow a lump in my throat. ‘Well then.’
There is a small, loaded silence before he says: ‘I know I’m not your first choice, Jules. I wouldn’t ever try to be. I’ve been trying to convince myself that’s okay, that I could live with that. But now . . . I don’t think I can. I like to think—’
‘That there’s someone out there for you,’ I finish for him, as pressure builds behind my eyes. He’s said it before. And I should have realised. Sam’s been single for years and he wants someone to spend the rest of his life with.
He looks down at his hands. ‘I think under the circumstances, with your big move . . . it would be easier on both of us if we just had a clean break.’
Something behind my breastbone cracks.
‘Are you really splitting up with me, Sam?’
He looks as if the next words are almost too painful to say out loud.
‘If that’s what you want to call it. Then yes.’
Chapter 53
The estate agent calls as I’m about to walk into the tube station. I barely realise the phone is ringing at first, still replaying the events of the last hour, feeling sick to my stomach.
