‘Then grounding him? Stopping his pocket money? Not allowing him to play rugby? Confiscating his phone?’
‘I’ve tried it all. It’s not as easy as you might think.’
This sounds pathetic. I clearlyampathetic. ‘I outright refused to take him to rugby at the weekend, but then had the coach on the phone complaining that they didn’t have a flanker. So I ended up saying he could go, albeit on the bus. The phone’s more complicated.Allhis homework is set on that.’
‘The homework he doesn’t do?’
‘Well, quite. But I don’t want to hand him any more excuses. I’ve stopped his pocket money, which he’s inordinately pissed off about.’
‘Good.’
‘But unfortunately, it all amounts to only one thing.’
‘What’s that?’
‘That he’s still just as rude, entitled, arrogant and lazy – only now he hates me too.’
‘Oh dear,’ he says, sympathetically. ‘What does this friend of yours think? Philippa, is it?’
‘She’s not afriend,’ I sigh, but haven’t got the energy to explain.
We sit in silence for a moment, listening as the clock ticks. Then he says the most astonishing thing.
‘I blame myself.’
‘Do you?’
He shrugs and looks down at his hands. ‘Maybe if we were still together, things would be different.’
I don’t quite know what to make of this statement. On the one hand I should be glad of the recognition that he ought to have put someworkin to the marriage, like I’d wanted to. On the other, I am oddly irritated by the idea that he thinks if he’d hung around then Leo would’ve grown into a well-rounded, respectful human being. But then maybe that’s true. Who’s to say it isn’t? Certainly, it’s a subject most parents dwell on when they split up – including me.
Back when it happened to us, Jacob was too tiny to really register that it was a big deal. He breezed through it and these days doesn’t even remember Brendan living with us. Leo, though older, showed far less distress than I’d been ready for. But maybe, as time has passed, it was all a front and all kinds of long-buried feelings and resentments are only now coming to the fore.
‘Oh God, I’m going to have to go,’ I say, looking at my watch. ‘I’ve got a vet’s appointment.’
‘Oh dear. What’s wrong with Adrian?’ he asks.
‘Alan. She’s got a cold. Apparently hamsters can catch them from humans and a Lemsip just won’t cut it.’
‘All right,’ he says, getting to his feet. ‘Well, I’ll leave you to it then.’
I nod and we head to the door. He turns to look at me, a peculiar look on his face.
‘I’m very sorry you’re going through this, Lisa,’ he says, softly.
I look up at him and something about the kindness in his expression makes me want to start crying again. I sniff, and nod.
Then something really weird happens. He reaches out and draws me into a hug. I’m taken aback at first, stiff with shock. But after a moment, I feel tension in my spine unfurl. The air trapped in my chest releases. My shoulders slump. My limbs loosen. I close my eyes and allow myself to sink briefly into that once-familiar nostalgic feeling I used to have simply by dint of being in a marriage. Being one half of a couple, having that safety blanket. I haven’t thought about this for years, but I am suddenly shrouded by an intense feeling of longing that I still had this. That I was still part of anus.
While these thoughts are running through my head, I become conscious of something else too. The tightness with which Brendan is holding me. The way he’s breathing in my hair. He feels it too, I know he does. I swallow and slowly pullback, unwrapping myself from his arms before this all gets too strange.
He clears his throat. ‘If there’s anything I can do again to take some pressure off you, Lisa, Just let me know.Anythingat all. You know where I am.’
I bite my lip and look at my watch.
‘Well . . . now you mention it, that vet’s appointment is at 4.30,’ I say tentatively. ‘It would be ahugehelp if you were able to go for me.’
He clears his throat and frowns. ‘Oh. Hmm. Tonight’s tricky. Spin class.’
