I don’t know what it is exactly that causes my rush of clarity. The sobering quality of the rain. The beep of a distant taxi. The sheer, fucking insanity of this situation – being here, drunk and snogging in a doorway on the edge of town like I’m 18 years old and have stumbled out of a club.
He senses my hesitation and gently pulls back an inch, searching my eyes.
‘Y’okay?’ he says softly.
I nod, but struggle to look at him as I clear my throat and step back to create more distance between us. He still has hold of myhand, as if he doesn’t want to let me go and is slowly rubbing the wrinkled pad of my thumb in circles. Still undoing me.
I take a deep breath, pull away my hand and force a smile. ‘I’m fine. Definitely need to go and get that taxi though.’
He smiles and gives a curt nod. The inch between us now feels like a mile. ‘Sure. Let’s go find one.’
Chapter 22
I am mortified. Waking up the next morning, I have the worst case of The Fear that I’ve ever experienced. What thehelldid I think I was doing? I know Zach is charming, easy on the eye and all those things that made last night feel like a good idea. But I’ve got to work with this guy. We’re not twenty-something interns. We’re senior managers, with staff and budgets andreputations.
I have never done anything like this with a colleague, unless you count one minor indiscretion at a BBC Christmas party, when I sang ‘Yes Sir, I Can Boogie’ on karaoke with one of the maintenance guys who serviced the printers. And while there is a part of me that would love to say I don’t give a toss about what anyone thinks because I’m a grown-up and it’s nobody else’s business, the reality is, I do. I really,reallydo.
I am a mother of two. I take my career very seriously. It’s bad enough that people know I’m twice divorced and make all the judgements about my baggage that they do (Rose thinks I’m being paranoid about this, but she’s wrong). All of this brings me to one conclusion.
This cannot get out.
The only saving grace is that it’s the weekend and I don’t have to see Zach until Monday. In fact, I might try and rearrange some meetings so I can work from home. In the meantime, I decide I’m going to try and put him out of my mind entirely. It’s a largely futile exercise, especially when a text arrives from him minutes after I’ve met Rose for a walk in the park on Saturday afternoon before the kids get back from Brendan’s.
I’ve changed my mind about the British weather. I enjoyed last night very much. Z x
I feel my breath suspended somewhere in my chest and quickly stuff my phone in my pocket, without replying.
There was a point in my life when I was never away from this park. It’s only five minutes from our house and when Leo was little it was the one guaranteed way of letting him expend some energy. I’ve been here in bitter winters and glorious summers. Now, it’s somewhere in between, a spring day that can’t make up its mind, dry but with glimmers of cool sunshine pushing through grey clouds.
‘I keep meaning to ask,’ I say, deciding to change the subject, ‘what have you decided to do about the work on your house?’ Rose and Angel were due to have their kitchen knocked through and extended this month. They’d been waiting almost 14 months for a slot from the in-demand builder their architect recommended.
‘Oh, I’ve put it on ice. I couldn’t face it.’
‘I’m not surprised. You can have the nicest, most reliable builder in the world but having your house full of dust and burly blokes every day is a nightmare at the best of times.’
‘Exactly. They’ve been really nice about it and said we don’t have to go to the end of their list though – it’s booked in at the end of the year, when I’m hoping to feel better equipped.’
I glance across to her. ‘You already look a lot brighter, you know.’
‘Do I?’ she says, clearly pleased. ‘I’ve been trying a bit of mindfulness, which is helping. Didn’t you do that once?’
‘Yes, I had an app for it. It was so bossy it drove me mad. It would be pinging every hour of the day telling me it was time to relax. I don’t have the temperament for meditation.’
She chuckles. ‘No, I think you’re a lost cause, Lisa. Iamfeeling perkier though, now you mention it. Maybe we couldmeet for a drink next time. I don’t fancy more than a glass at the moment, but it’d be nice to go out.’
‘Oh, then we must do that,’ I say, deciding not to mention the vow I made this morning to never touch alcohol again in my life.
‘Or if you can get someone to watch Jacob, Keanu Reeves has a new movie out,’ she says.
‘If anyone’s going to perk you up, it’s him.’
Rose always said Keanu was the main reason she wanted to work in broadcasting. At 14, she thought it was her best chance of meeting him. I’ve assured her that there are far less noble reasons for choosing a career but, regardless, she’s never come within a sniff of him. As Jeff points out, though, there’s still time.
We spot a free bench and take a seat.
‘Listen, I know I’ve said this before, but I really am grateful for all your support throughout this, Lisa. Having you there with me at all those appointments, especially the early ones, really helped.’
I tut. ‘Don’t be silly – you don’t need to thank me. I owe you, remember.’
