“You don’t want to stay?” Lauren asks.
Every part of my body is screaming at me to stay, to not go home and be on my own, but tonight, with both of them, I feel like I’ve hit a turning point. I don’t know what that is yet. All I know is I need to get my ass in gear and overcome these demons that are plaguing me.
Which means first stop… Mike.
Sitting in Mike’s chair feels a little lighter than usual, and I don’t feel that ever-present weight pressing on my chest like I normally do. He sits there, waiting patiently, not rushing me or demanding anything.
I was surprised he didn’t turn me away when I knocked on his door at 9 p.m. Hinges creaking, he opened the door in his dressing gown with his hair all rumpled, then gestured for me to come in as soon as he saw me. I don’t know much about Mike; he’s the one person I never did a background check on. I wanted to give him as much privacy as he was affording me.
“I want to get better,” I finally say. “I had a, uh, moment with Caleb and Lauren this evening, and it… I don’t know… opened my eyes?”
“What was it about this particular meeting that made you feel like that?” he asks, his tone gentle. Not judging, not knowing… just being.
I blow out a sigh, my gaze darting to the outside world as I try to put into words what I’m feeling, if there are even any words at all.
“I thought I had a handle on everything, I thought I was doing okay, when in fact, I was just masking the problem and have been for a long time now.” I pause, working it all out in my head. “I think Blake coming back was the catalyst for everything. I’ve felt so out of control since she’s been around, and I don’t like it. I’m falling into bad habits. I’m doing things I haven’t done in such a long time because of how she’s making me feel.”
“And how is she making you feel, Theo?”
Glancing up at Mike, I say the words I’ve been too scared to admit. “Like I still love her.”
“Is that such a bad thing?”
Tears line my eyes as I reply, “She cheated on me. How can I come back from that?”
Mike shifts in his seat, elbows bracing on his knees. “Tell me, Theo. What exactly did you see that night?”
My heart pounds, and my palms become sweaty. “I saw her with another man.”
“Close your eyes and tell me what you can smell,” he says.
I raise an eyebrow at him.
“Just humor me.” He chuckles lightly.
I shrug, close my eyes, and lean back against the sofa. My head is resting against the pillow as I take myself back to that night. “I can smell the vanilla perfume she likes to wear and his cologne. I can smell sex in the air.”
“Good. What noises can you hear?”
Feeling sick to my stomach, I push on. I need to get better. Ihaveto get better for myself.
I swallow hard, my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as I choke out, “He’s panting, grunting. I can hear the sound of their skin slapping against each other as he fucks her.” Bile rises to my throat, but I swallow it back down, refusing for the first time in my life for this to have power over me. “I can hear the creak of the bed, a car horn beeping outside her window.”
“What about Blake, Theo? You’ve mentioned every sound in the room but hers. What is she doing?” he asks.
Focusing on the sounds she’s making takes a moment. I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want to listen to her moaning in ecstasy as some guy rails her like I used to. I breathe in and out—large inhalations as I try to ground myself.
I let myself hear her sounds, but they stop me short. Past me leans in closer, my body frozen as I listen to sounds that aren’t moans, aren’t groans of pleasure, but are actually screams. Pleas for help.
My body jerks out of the memory, sweat dripping down my face as my chest heaves up and down. I turn my gaze to Mike’s, my eyes wide with terror and understanding.
“What did you see?” he asks, sensing my panic.
“I think I’m gonna be sick,” I declare, jumping up from his couch and running for the downstairs toilet.
I puke up everything my stomach has to offer, then lean my head against the cool toilet seat when I’m done and wipe the back of my hand across my mouth. Mike hands me a tissue, and I gratefully take it. When I feel like I’m not going to puke again, I stand on shaking legs and head to the sink so I can wash my hands and rinse my mouth with the mouthwash Mike hands me.
“I’ll be in my office when you’re ready,” he says with a pat on my back.
