He shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.” He didn’t feel like he had any right to make the attack on the sanctuary about him. Everyone had felt the danger and struggled that night.
“And it seems like your brain has interpreted that as being back in the midst of the event that caused you the most trauma,” she continued. “That’s why the dreams have been coming up again. Your brain is trying to warn and protect you, even though there’s nothing like that going on right now.”
Like that.She was careful to phrase it that way. She knew there was something going on around here, just like Xavier did. Could he really put this work into recovery, when he was sure there were people after him right now? He shifted in his seat again, not speaking.
“And what I want to do with these sessions is teach your brain that those memories are in the past, they’re not happening now, and that you’re safe,” she continued. “I understand how hard that must seem to you, but it is possible. Lots of people suffer trauma as a result of being involved in combat, and it’s really common to deal with PTSD and nightmares in the aftermath. But it doesn’t have to stay that way, okay? You don’t have to deal with this alone.”
He could feel a well of emotion rising up in him, and he tried to push it down.
“Your friends here really care about you,” Sarah went on. “I do, too. I’ve seen all the great work you’ve done here, all the ways you’ve created a safe space for the people who’ve been through what you have, and you deserve to give that kindness to yourself, too. Do you think you can do that?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. Faced with the choice, there was a part of him that wanted to push back and deny himself whathe knew he needed. But then, he closed his eyes, and he thought of Hannah. He thought of her lying beside him in bed, her eyes wide as she tried to pull him from the horrors in his head.
And he knew he had to try. He couldn’t keep pretending this wasn’t happening. He had tried that already, and he was pretty damn clear on the fact that it hadn’t worked. His eyes were fixed on the diffuser beside her, and he tried to time his breath to the sound of its low hum. Anything to ground himself, to pull him into this moment instead of dealing with the usual fight that boiled in his system when he was faced with telling the truth about how he felt and what he had been through.
“Yes, I do,” he corrected himself finally. “I… I want to try. I don’t know how, but I want to try.”
A warm, genuine smile lit up Sarah’s entire face. “I’m so glad to hear that,” she gushed, and she reached over to pull her notepad into her lap. “And you don’t need to know how—that’s what I’m here for.”
He nodded. He had to let her take the lead. It was fine for him not to know what he was doing here. That was why he had come in the first place.
“So, let’s start by going through the content of these dreams,” she prompted him. “Do you think you can manage that?”
He gritted his teeth, fighting the usual urge to just close off as soon as anyone asked him about that time in his life. But finally, he spoke. “They all start the same way. My brother and I are under fire…”
Chapter Sixteen
“Uh, do you have the manual there?” Hannah called to River, as she carried over an armful of lightbulbs, stakes and a couple boxes of screws.
“I think Bailey has it on her phone,” River called back, pulling a face as she reached Hannah. “It’s one of those downloadable ones.”
“Oh, they’re the worst.” Hannah sighed. “Why can’t they put a paper manual in the box?”
“My thoughts exactly,” Bailey cut in as she followed River out of the main entrance to the lodge.
“I printed it out. Here, let’s see where we need to get started.” Bailey appeared from behind them.
Hannah grinned as the women joined her along the edge of the path they were working on today. Together, they were setting up some solar-powered lights that would lead the way through the darkness if there were any issues with the generators again. It had been River’s idea, and Hannah had agreed to help her at once. After the tumble she’d taken, even though it just scraped up her knees, she didn’t want anyone else to possibly come to harm if the power went out again.
None of them really knew what they were doing, but between the three of them, she knew they’d figure it all out and get them working in no time. She had been working and living alongside River and Bailey for months now, and having the women around felt like second nature to her. They had become close in theirtime together, and though Hannah knew eventually they would likely move on to other things, she was glad for their company.
Especially now. It had been nearly a week since she and Xavier had been driven off the road, and she was still trying to wrap her head around it. They were no closer to finding out who might have done it or why. And it had left Hannah feeling spooked and worried. She was looking over her shoulder all the time now, waiting for something else to happen, worried she wouldn’t be able to stop it if it did.
Putting in the solar lights was as much an attempt to get her mind on to something more useful as it was to make a difference around the lodge, and River seemed to know that Hannah needed something to distract her.
As they laid out their tools and started to read through the instructions, River glanced over at Hannah, a concerned expression on her face. “You all right?” she murmured quietly.
Hannah sighed. River was perceptive when it came to people’s emotions, and it was clear she had good reason to be concerned about Hannah.
Hannah shook her head. “Not really,” she admitted. “I… These last few days have just been a lot, that’s all.”
“I can imagine,” River agreed as Bailey dropped the instructions and joined the conversation.
“We’re doing everything we can to get to the bottom of it,” Bailey assured her.
Hannah managed to smile at her. “Yeah, I know,” she replied. “And I appreciate it, I really do. It’s just that… Well, it’s not just me I’m worried about.”
“Oh?” River prompted her, curious.
