“Yes. Well, maybe a couple.” I shrugged.
“I told you to slow down, and you always promised you would right after whatever assignment you had was over. Yes, you told me about how your dad always wanted to travel and how you and Gary did that to honor his memory.”
She fell back in the chair with a deep sigh.
“I didn’t know your father. But I would guess when he said travel, he meant more tours in Greece or vineyards in Italy. Not a hotel room in a flyover state, working on a presentation all night.”
“I worked too much. You’ve told me that before, and I agree with you. That’s why I’m taking a break and staying close to home.”
“And I’m glad.” She nodded. “When you moved in with Zach, I thought you’d finally start slowing down.”
“I did, somewhat. But it wasn’t enough. I was too distracted to realize I was living with an asshole. We’ve had this discussion before and broke down all the epiphanies I’d had from a very shitty couple of months. I’m not sure what you could have held back.”
“I…” She trailed off, sucking in a long breath. “I don’t think a life on the road was only for your dad’s memory. Maybe for your brother, but I think you kept moving, then ended up with a guy you only got to know on the surface, so that you could keep yourself from looking back.”
“Looking back,” I repeated, narrowing my eyes at Bailee. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Looking back at the life you really wanted, with the guy who would never be yours. You accepted it in time, butyou never really got over it. And I’ve always hated that for you.”
The sad pull in Bailee’s features matched my mother’s. I hated the identical looks of pity, but my history with Lee, especially since it was one-sided, was pretty pitiful.
“It’s not…” I started to say, trailing off as what Bailee said hit me. “I was never meant to be with Lee. And it’s not his fault. He never hurt me on purpose or led me on. It was a stupid fantasy I had in my head.”
“A stupid fantasy that is making you hesitate moving in with him, right?” Bailee pressed.
I wouldn’t mention the weird moments we’d had lately. Lee had been confiding in me about a lot, the confessions turning our conversations heavy with all the emotions he’d finally let himself deal with after so long. But for a split second, when he’d walked me to my car the last time I’d seen him, I’d sworn he was about to kiss me when his neighbor had interrupted us.
That look in his eyes and the deep, almost guttural rasp of his voice when he’d said he’d never let anyone hurt me had repeated on a torture loop in my head ever since.
But my mind had played tricks on me before when it came to Lee, and I was sure this was one of those times.
“I could never cut Lee off. We depend on one another, all three of us. It sounds silly, I know, but the way we met…he’s different from just a friend or a friend of my brother’s. He’s like family in a weird way. Other than the stupid fantasy.”
Bailee chuckled when I lifted my head.
“So I kept him in my life, but far enough away for a little self-preservation. Phone calls, visits, texts. I could handle those. But now, safe distance isn’t an option.”
“Not while you’re living in his house, no,” Bailee said with a sad laugh.
“He won’t be around every day, but enough to be in his space all the time, like my mother keeps saying. I’ll always have feelings for Lee, but I can’t fall for him like that again.”
“But you also can’t screw over the poor dude the day before he leaves on a road trip and back out.”
“Oh, I know.” I groaned, sifting a hand through my hair. “I committed, and I’ll see it through. I’m just scared of falling into bad habits. I said yes because I thought I could handle it. Now, I’m not so sure.”
“I get it, but maybe this will help. Living with him, or around him, may take the punch out of it. Trust me, it did when I got married and moved in with Carl. When you live together as long as we have, the bloom kinda comes off the rose.”
A laugh bubbled out of my chest, relaxing me for a minute.
“That would be nice. This is a good offer for me too. It’s not a bad idea to lie low after everything with Zach and whoever else could be involved. But you’re right. I ran because I didn’t want to look back. But I’m tired, B,” I breathed out in a scratchy whisper.
“Then this is a good time to face it head on and move forward, and when it’s over, make a real life for yourself.”
I drained the mug, letting her words sink in. Actually make a life and a home, not a pit stop. It felt simple yet too complicated to fathom, but it was time.
“Let me get going,” I said, flicking my wrist to glance at my watch. “I did want to get there early so I can go over things with Lee and settle in.”
“I’m not that far if you need any help. Bennie is oldenough to feed and bathe herself, so you should be able to wing the rest of it.”
