“She seems nice,” Stella said, her gaze drifting toward the path Diane took away from us, waving when Diane looked back.
“And she’s a good cook,” I said, holding up the tray. The ziti was still hot, but I was grateful to have something to do with my hands.
“I look forward to it all.” She patted my chest. “Happy shopping.”
“Thanks,” I said with a chuckle before I shifted back to the house. “And thanks for stopping by.”
“What are friends for? Or babysitters,” she said, herbrow furrowing as she stepped into the car, chuckling as she started the engine.
“Or I could be your pinch hitter when you’re away.” She winked. “Whatever you want me to be is fine.”
I tried to laugh, the heat of the tray burning my palms as Stella peeled away from the curb.
What I needed her to be was different from what I wanted her to be, and not only wasn’t it fine, it couldn’t happen.
NINE
STELLA
“Do you have everything?” Mom asked, making a slow approach with her cane as she swept her gaze over her living room carpet.
“I think so. I didn’t come with much. And if I forgot anything, I think you’ll let me in if I have to come back,” I said, trying to get her to crack a smile.
“You can always come back. Please remember that.” Mom’s eyes were glossy when they met mine, a deep crease denting her forehead as she studied me.
“Listen, I know you worry about me, but I’m fine.” I grabbed both of her hands. “Bennie is the sweetest kid, and this is going to be a good break for me too. The past is the past. Silly dreams don’t fit into real life, and I accepted that a long time ago.”
“It’s not silly to have dreams.” She squeezed my hands. “I want you to have dreams. Dreams and big, messy love. But not the Zach kind of messy.”
“I know what you mean. Someday, maybe,” I told her, smiling wide to mask how I hadn’t really meant it. She’d had a big, messy love with my father, and the memoriesseemed to sustain her after she’d lost him, but giving everything I had to someone else? That terrified me to my core.
“Until then, I have to report to my new job.” I kissed her cheek. “I’ll call you tonight.”
She nodded, grabbing my shoulders and pulling me into a hug. Her sad smile killed me when she pulled away, but she didn’t say anything else while I gathered up my bags and headed to my car.
I wasn’t due at Lee’s house for a couple of hours, but I couldn’t linger at my mother’s place any longer. I understood her concern, and it was making me second-guess everything.
Yes, staying at Lee’s and taking care of his child might mess with my head, but I could handle it. Or at least, I was almost positive I could. Whatever I could or couldn’t do, it was too late to back out now.
Right before the turn onto Lee’s block, I kept going straight and dialed Bailee’s number.
“Hey, I thought today was moving day,” she said over my car speakers.
“It is, but I’m twenty minutes away from your house. Do you have some time?”
“I will if you get here soon. I’m about to get the hellions ready for nap time. Park in my driveway and come up.”
I hung up, breathing out a little relief. When I arrived at Bailee’s house, I lingered in my car after I shut off the engine, letting my head fall back as I shut my eyes.
I really had nowhere else to go. The realization hit me hard enough to paralyze. I had plenty of savings but no plan. I had no apartment, and I couldn’t stay with my mother any longer, even if I’d wanted to. The thought of booking a hotel room for an indeterminate amount of timeuntil I figured out my life exhausted me, and I finally stepped out of my car.
At thirty-three, I was too old to feel this lost.
“Shh.” Bailee pressed her finger to her lips as she waved me in from the door. “We have time for a coffee if you hustle upstairs.”
I smiled, trying to make my way up the concrete steps outside of her house quickly without tripping over myself.
I followed Bailee into her kitchen and slid into one of her dining room chairs, squeezing the back of my neck while I attempted to wrangle whatever I was feeling.
