“Really boring,” she said, her deep sigh cracking me up. “And don’t forget, we need to get stuff for Stella’s room!”
I’d offered Stella our downstairs apartment when I was home if she needed space, but she’d said she was fine in Debbie’s old room, right next to Bennie.
It made more sense, other than my weird awareness of Stella so close to my bedroom.
Why did I care where she slept, and why was I thinking of what her bed clothes looked like? Did she sleep in pajamas or a nightgown? I’d stayed over at their apartment one night when we were teens, sleeping on their very comfortable couch. I’d run into Stella in the middle of the night in sweats oversized enough to be her brother’s, butwe’d been kids and I hadn’t thought twice about what she looked like underneath or how I was sleeping so close to her.
I thought more than twice now, long enough for my pants to tighten whenever Stella dressing for bed crossed my mind.
After I’d unloaded on her yesterday about everything I’d been holding in over how Katie died and the guilt that wouldn’t leave me alone, I’d felt lighter. Maybe I wasn’t the worst person alive for being angry at the direction our lives had gone and what we’d lost, and now I finally could begin to move past it all.
Palpable relief I hadn’t expected had run through me when I’d finally said the words I’d hated myself for thinking so many times, and I’d spent the past day trying to use that relief as my excuse for almost kissing Stella in my car and then again when I’d brought her into my arms in the parking lot.
The hug had lingered too long to be friendly, yet it felt too good to pull away. When I had, my eyes had gone straight to her mouth, fixating on her teeth sinking into that bottom lip I could almost taste.
Almost, but couldn’t for too many reasons.
I needed to do something about this. Get someone else’s hand on my dick besides my own and clear my head a bit before I did something that would ruin this arrangement and everything else between us.
I’d taken off from work for the next few days to sort out the house before Stella moved in. I wanted to make this house a home for us, even if I had to figure out how to decorate.
We spent the rest of the morning on the couch, my daughter happily playing and watching the mind-numbingkids’ shows that she loved while I sorted out what we’d need.
My mind drifted to the box of old photos hidden at the back of my closet. There were shots of Katie and me, some of the three of us those first two years of Bennie’s life, even some of my parents. Maybe facing the ghosts instead of hiding from them would be good for us—or good for me since pushing them out of sight hadn’t meant out of mind.
If my memories of Katie were all my daughter would have of her mother, I owed it to Bennie to have the guts to stop running from them.
“Stella’s room needs stuff on the walls too,” she said through a mouthful of the chicken nuggets I’d made her for lunch. “She’ll be so bored in there.”
“I think she’s going to be too busy with you to be bored.” I laughed.
“We need to get her pink stuff,” she said, her eyes narrowing at me. “She really liked my room, so I think we should make hers all pink too.”
“I don’t have time to paint the walls, but we’ll see what we can find.”
I was about to tell Bennie to get ready when the chime of the doorbell surprised us both.
“Maybe Aunt Deb forgot something,” Bennie said as she followed me to the door.
“I hope not,” I said, surveying the living room and the hallway in case Bennie was right and they did forget something. I found Stella on my doorstep when I checked my doorbell camera screen.
“Hey,” I said after I opened the door. “Everything okay? Did we have plans today?” I chuckled, hoping my head wasn’t so scattered that I’d told her the wrong moving day.
“No. Don’t panic,” she said, patting my arm when Imoved aside to let her in. “Sorry for just stopping by, but I found a couple of things for Bennie I thought she’d like.” Stella held up a shopping bag as my daughter’s eyes lit up.
“Daddy, Stella brought me presents!” She glanced back at me as she pulled Stella toward the couch.
“These were games I had when I was about your age,” she said, slipping two long boxes out of the bag. “They’re princess games, so I only got to play them with my mom or when I had friends come over. My brother wouldn’t touch them.” She pointed to a bright-pink box. “So I was thinking it could be fun to play them with you when I’m here, if that’s okay.”
“I love games. We could play now. Right, Daddy?”
Stella winced when she found my gaze. “Only if that’s okay with you.”
“It is. Just one game, though.”
“Daddy and I are going to the store to get house decorations since Aunt Deb took them all to Chicago,” Bennie said as she dumped the remnants of the game all over the carpet. “And we’re going to decorate your room too!”
“Oh, you don’t need to do that. I just need some sheets and towels, which I planned to bring with me anyway.”
