“They’ll still be in her life all the time, even if they don’t live in the same house anymore.”
“Bennie’s life shouldn’t be disrupted because our family is moving on with their own lives and not revolving them around us anymore,” Lee said through gritted teeth. “And that’s my fucking fault.”
“Your fault? How is that?—”
“Remember when you said you were mad at your father for smoking and felt like shit because of it?”
Lee’s gaze stayed vacant.
“Well, I didn’t until you reminded me.” I chuckled, but he wouldn’t turn his head. “I still am sometimes,” I said, shifting in my seat to get a better look at the pain pulling at his features. “I still wish that he hadn’t been so reckless about his health so I could have kept him longer, but who knows if that would have helped. Some smokers can live a lifetime on a pack a day and never get cancer. When it’s your time, it’s your time, I suppose.”
He nodded, tapping the wheel as his chest moved up and down.
“I fought with Katie for years over having kids. We went to every cardiac specialist, and they all gave us the green light. Then Bennie was born, and I could see the toll it took on Katie, but she insisted she was fine. Her doctor adjusted her heart meds and assured us that any weakness was just her body adjusting.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I let a tense silence settle between us, hoping that would help Lee let out what he had to.
“Bennie was supposed to be in the car with her that day. She was so fussy and cranky, Katie asked our neighbor to watch Bennie while she ran to the store.”
Lee’s throat worked while he clenched his eyes shut, his fingers flexing around the steering wheel tight enough to turn his knuckleswhite.
The air drained from my lungs at the terrifying possibility that he could have lost them both in that crash.
“That’s not like Bennie,” was all I could say, waiting for him to continue.
“Right,” he said with a humorless laugh. “It was almost as if she knew and was trying to warn her. I love my daughter more than my own life, but…” He leaned back, scrubbing his hand down his face.
“You’re mad because if Katie hadn’t gotten pregnant, then maybe her heart condition wouldn’t have gotten worse.”
“Yes,” he gritted out, leaning his elbow on the door. “Maybe it would have anyway. Who knows, like you said.”
“Have you ever told anyone this?”
His head whipped to me.
“What? That I’m mad at my wife for getting sick after having our baby, just like I was afraid she would, and leaving us both? No. It’s bad enough I let my family take care of us for years because I couldn’t handle being alone with my own daughter. Fuck,” he grunted out, slapping the steering wheel.
“Lee, come on.” I eased closer, balling my hand into a fist to fight the urge to touch his tortured face. I’d seen him in pain over Katie before, but not like this. After the funeral, he’d been listless, but now it seemed like everything he’d been holding back was ricocheting through his body.
“You had a horrible thing happen to you, and your family stepped in to help.” I grabbed his wrist. “Again, like I’ve told you, it’s what families do. You did what you could handle at the time. What did they tell me in group—being mad at them for not being here is just because you love them that much?” I leaned forward, fighting an overwhelming, visceral urge to bring him into myarms.
“I should have gotten settled alone while she was younger. Then she wouldn’t have to go through all this change and adjustment now.”
“Kids are more resilient than you think. You all raised a happy, smart girl who I am sure will be very popular at her grandmother’s new place.”
“I’m sure she will,” he said, his hand falling to his side as he finally eased off the wheel.
“There’s no set timeline for you to figure out how to get your life together. I’m a great example of taking the long way. And now, you are.”
Lee nodded, his eyes still blank.
“It’s time to give yourself a break. For feeling however you feel, for taking the help that your family was more than happy to give you, and for learning how to adjust.”
He fell back, his body now limp when he rolled his head toward me with a slow smile coasting across his mouth. Warmth flooded my chest that I wanted to brush off as relief, but Lee’s gaze was heavy with more than just repressed grief.
“You almost convinced me I’m not the shittiest father alive.”
“Your daughter loves you. You made sure she was taken care of while you sorted yourself out. I think that makes you an amazing father.”
