“Why were you confused?”
I let out a long exhale.
“One of my best friends came to surprise me at work, and I couldn’t stop staring at her because she was so damn beautiful. You always were, but something about you hit me hard that day. And every day after that.”
“Sounds rough,” she said with a groan, her shoulders relaxing under my fingertips.
“It was hell,” I half teased because battling with my feelings for Stella had been a special kind of torture.
“I’d call or text you every second I had the chance and run home so I’d get even a few extra minutes with you. I’d never thought I’d need anyone like that again, but you got right under my skin.” I rested my chin on her shoulder. “I wanted more of you, and I never had enough. Then I almost punched Deacon for asking if you were single and flew over a wall when I thought you’d been hurt. I figured around then that I was stupid in love with you and needed to do something about it.”
She laughed to herself, dropping her gaze to the carpet.
“How about you?” I asked her. “When did you know?”
She tensed up against me as I held her from behind.
“When you laughed.”
“When I laughed? I’ve laughed a lot at you and my daughter around the house,” I said with a chuckle.
“At grief group. I told a stupid joke the second night, and you laughed. It was the best sound I’d ever heard. I could even feel it,” she said, gliding a hand across her stomach. “I’d never had butterflies over a boy and thought it was just a silly expression. But that day, I found out they were real. I had flutters and everything.”
“Grief group? That was…”
She nodded, her wary eyes holding mine.
“Stella…” I started, my mind scrambling to take in what she’d just said. “You’ve been in love with me?—”
“For my entire life. Well, for as long as I’ve known you, which I think is more like half of it.”
“Why…why didn’t you tell me?”
She shrugged. “The timing was always off. And we had our little crew of three. Misfits that no one else understood. I never wanted to ruin that.”
I nodded. Those were the exact excuses I’d repeated in my head for why I couldn’t give in, aside from being scared shitless of loving anyone again.
“But I almost told you one day. It was the day I first met Katie.” She sent me a sad smile. “So that window was closed before I could even get it open.”
All the years we’d known each other flashed through my mind. Possible clues I might have missed or ignored. How much had I hurt her all this time and had no idea?
“I liked Katie. And I was happy you were happy. But…it was a lot to take sometimes. You meant too much to me to cut you off. So, I endured—to a point. I was at your wedding but didn’t see everything. I ducked out at the toasts and some of the big moments like a coward.”
She shrugged, shifting toward me on the bed and crossing her legs under her.
“You did nothing wrong. I know how your mind works. You had no idea because I didn’t tell you, and no one else did either.”
Gary’s threats when he found out about his sister and me made a lot more sense, and I finally got the meaning behind her mother’s plea to be careful with her.
“Brooklyn became painful. I was still missing my dad,Gary enlisted right after school, and you had this beautiful life of love with someone else. So, I took a job that paid really well and kept me busy enough not to think of anything or anyone else.”
I’d worried about Stella all the time. Even when she’d been busy, I’d made her check in a couple of times a week with a quick text because I’d hated the thought of her alone on the road or by herself in some random city I’d never heard of. The thought of her living that life because of me made me physically sick.
“That’s why you moved so much? Because I made it hurt too much to stay here?”
Stella examined my face and took both my hands.
“Again, these were all my decisions. My choice not to tell you, my choice to live on the road instead of making a home for myself. I kept all things superficial, although I did try with Zach for a while. But by not paying close attention, I missed some very important details about him. That’s all on me.”
