I glanced out the window. Bennie would be just getting ready for school now, probably asking where I was. I’d run out on her today too.
“I said I wanted space. That maybe I’d go to the park or something. And I ended up here.”
“I’d rather you come here instead of Ohio.” She glowered at me.
“No, none of that, Mom. I promise I’m not running. Well, other than just now.”
We shared a laugh while I dropped my head into my hands.
“I’m only letting you stay here for a day. You’re going to go back and talk it out. Can I say one more thing?”
I fell back on the couch and shut my eyes.
“I barged in here at seven on a Monday morning. You can say whatever you want.”
“Well, actually, I thought of two things.” She tapped her chin. “Your father was the love of my life. I couldn’t fathom telling another man I loved him. If I ever did, I’d have to mean it. So if he’s said that, I am sure that it’s not something he takes lightly.”
“Okay,” I said, peering up at my mother. She was still a timeless kind of beauty. I wished she’d been able to love someone after my father. She deserved that so much.
“Second, let’s say, for argument’s sake, he loved Katie more than he does you, and after she died, he was never totally whole again. But whatever he’s got left, he’s giving it to you. So you’re not sharing him or second best or entertaining a one-sided crush anymore. Am I making sense?”
“You really are,” I said, taking in a full breath for the first time since last night.
“While I’m on a roll, I think you should tell him how you’ve felt all these years. Because if you keep holding it in, this won’t be the last time something small sets you off. If he’s going to have to address it, let him know all that he’s dealing with.”
“You make me sound like a problem,” I joked.
“You’re not a problem,” she said, squeezing my hand. “Loving someone is scary. There’ll be moments of doubt from all different places. You talk, you tough it out, but you don’t close off and run. That’s a shitty habit you finally need to break.”
I dropped my head to her shoulder.
“You’rewise.”
“I’m old. Most times, it comes with the territory. Are you hungry?”
“Not really, but I guess I should eat. I only got down two sips of coffee this morning.”
“I’ll make us a pot with some eggs. Then you can go and figure out your life.” She kissed my cheek and slowly pushed off the couch, grabbing her cane.
I was still upset, but now that I had most of my equilibrium back, I felt stupid and upset. Lee and I could always talk about anythingexcepthow I felt about him. I’d told him I loved him, but not for how long.
My phone had a slew of text messages on the screen, making me feel worse.
Lee
I got Bennie to school, and she’s upset I can’t do a braid and that she’s going to ruin her image having just a ponytail today. Not those exact words, but she’s not happy. I guess we’re both lost without you.
Lee
I wish you’d talk to me.
Lee
And that I knew where you were. But you said you needed space, so I won’t ask.
Stella
I’m at my mom’s. Coming back soon.
