“No. Yes.” I groaned, sliding a hand down my face. “He can’t love me the same way. He said during his wedding toast that she was the one and only love of his life.”
“That he knew of at the time.”
“Come on, Mom. You never dated anyone after Dad.”
“Yes, I did.”
My head popped up. “You did?”
She shrugged. “A few. No one that I cared enough about to introduce to you and your brother, but some of them were nice.” A wistful smile lifted her lips.
“Some werenice,” I repeated, finding it impossible to think of her with anyone but my father.
“Dinners here and there, some nice nights. Casual stuff.” She rolled her eyes. “Oh, fix your face. You’re a grown-up.”
“Am I?” I huffed. I wasn’t acting like one. Since last night, I’d been floating around in my body, wanting to snap the hell out of it, but I couldn’t. I hadn’t felt this low when his wedding actually happened, so why had rewatching it devastated me so much?
“Okay, you had somenicenights. I’m actually glad. But you never loved anyone after Dad, right? You always said no one would compare, so why bother?”
“Well, that was mostly fear talking. Losing your father was the worst thing I’d ever had to endure, and I didn’t think I could survive it again. But it would’ve been nice to fall in love with someone else. I just didn’t. So I didn’t mind the occasional hollow substitute.”
Hollow. There was that word again.
“It’s natural to feel a little jealous of the first wife of the man you loved, especially when he didn’t leave her on purpose. But that’s only half of why you’re upset.” She tapped her slipper on the carpet.
“What if I wasted my life on a man who will never love me like I love him?” My nose burned as my eyes watered all over again. “What if it will always be one-sided when it comes to us? I can’t do it anymore.”
“Easy, Stella Bella.”
She smoothed my hair off my forehead, drawing an actual laugh out of me at the silly nickname.
“I can’t answer any of that. You know I was worried when you said you were going to stay at his house for the season to watch Bennie.”
“And I should have listened better.”
Her shoulders jerked with a chuckle.
“You and your brother never listen to me, so I’m used to it. But I will tell you what I see now. Lee loves you. Dottie said she hasn’t seen him this happy in years, and that morning at his house, you both lit up. I knew before Bennie squealed on you.”
I covered my eyes and laughed. That had been the weirdest yet best morning.
“Do I know how much he loves you compared toKatie?” She shook her head. “And you may never truly know either. But if you keep trying to best a dead woman, you’ll run around in circles for the rest of your life.”
“I guess,” I said. “I just didn’t expect such a gut punch. I was at his wedding, but I’d hidden at all the big moments. The cake, the toast, theyou can kiss the bride. The video of them at the beach together wasn’t as bad, but it made me feel like I’m stealing her life. A life that really isn’t mine, even though I chased it all this time.”
“Does Lee know all of that?”
“Of course not. I left him all kinds of panicked and confused this morning.”
“What did he say?”
“That he loves me and he wants me to move in with them for good. I told him I was scared, and he said not to be, because it’s him.”
“And you couldn’t tell him that you were so scaredbecauseit was him.”
“Pretty much,” I said, rubbing my eyes. “So what should I do?”
“That’s up to you. Where does he think you are?”
