I closed the laptop with a loud slam. Stella flinched, finally meeting my gaze.
“I’ll make it simple for you. I love you. I want you living here. In fact, I want you here for good. Not just until the end of the season. Forever. Because you’re mine, Stella. And I’m yours. I don’t want you to live anywhere else.”
“You think you mean that, but you don’t.” She stood, grabbing the mug that was next to her computer and heading toward the kitchen.
“I don’t think that. I know that.” I stepped in front of her. “And you love me too. You wouldn’t have cried yourself to sleep last night if you didn’t. So let’s start again. What is upsetting you? You knew I was married. You were there, remember?”
“I do,” she said, her watery gaze holding mine. “I’m just… I’m scared, Lee.”
“Baby.” I took her face in my hands. “It’s okay. Don’t be scared. It’s me.”
She reached up to grab my wrists, clenching her eyes shut.
“Yes, it’s you.” Pain pulled at her features, pain that I hadn’t seen before and was enough to scare me too. “Listen, I’m in a weird headspace right now. Can you take Bennie to school? I hate to ruin your day off.”
It was already ruined. I’d expected to climb into bed with Stella last night, make love to her until she had to scream into my pillow, and wake up with her sleeping on my chest and her hair tickling my arm. I hadn’t expected the woman I loved to feel like she was slipping right through my fingers because I couldn’t think of a way to grab on to her.
“I can take her to school if you want to stay home.”
“I think I’m going to go out today. Maybe sit in the park for a while. I just need some space. I know I’m hurting you right now, and I’m sorry. But I just…” She pressed a light hand to my chest, but it felt like she was giving me a two-handed push away. I wasn’t going to allow that, but I’d give her whatever time she wanted today.
“Okay,” I said, kissing her forehead, letting my lips linger before I pulled away. “Whatever you want.”
I left her alone and went back upstairs. My gaze drifted toward the ceiling while I lay on my bed.
What I felt for Stella didn’t lessen how much I’d loved Katie, and missing Katie didn’t diminish what I felt for Stella. I’d never thought loving two people was possible, never mind at the same time.
Katie had liked Stella. I liked to think Katie would be happy that I was happy, and she’d want Bennie and me to end up with someone who loved us both.
I knew in my bones Stella loved me. If seeing me with Katie somehow upset her last night, I would tell her lovingsomeone in my past didn’t mean I couldn’t love her. Because I did. So damn much.
I’d give her space for the day, but no matter what was running around in her head, I wouldn’t let her go.
THIRTY-THREE
STELLA
“Why are you here so early?” My mother grasped the edges of her robe. “Don’t you have to take Bennie to school?”
I’d been in my car since six thirty, but I’d waited until seven to let my mother know I was heading over. She was up before five, so I knew I wouldn’t wake her.
I needed out of the house and away from Lee. I knew I’d upset and blindsided him, but I couldn’t tell him why I was so hurt without confessing that last secret I was holding back. The one I’d thought I could get away with not telling.
But it was the only explanation I had for heading into a life crisis from watching a wedding video.
“I was upset and didn’t want Bennie to see me like this, even though she told Lee I was sad and quiet when he came home last night.” I plopped on her couch, my old bed.
I huffed out a sad laugh. I’d been going backward with places I used to sleep. First, my old bedroom at Lee’s, now here. Maybe tomorrow, I’d be sleeping in Ohio.
“Did you and Lee have an argument?” Mom asked, perched on the edge of the couch and examining my face. “Your eyes are all swollen. What could have happened? Ihalf expected you to tell me you were coming here to say that you were engaged.”
I let my head fall back on the couch. I felt like I was losing my mind, but I didn’t know how to control or explain it. As many tears as I’d shed over the years for Lee, I’d never been like this.
“Bennie had me watch old family videos with her last night. Her as a baby and…before.”
She held my gaze and nodded.
“So you watched Lee with Katie, and now that you’re with Lee, it hit you in a much different way. You’re comparing and panicking that he doesn’t love you the same.”
