I wave back before slipping my key into the ignition, my old Ford sputtering to life. I watch my foster parents in my rearview mirror until I take a left toward the interstate, and they disappear from sight.
CHAPTER 5
WILLOW
“Did you decide whether you want to register for fall courses?” Mom asks, assuming the impending deadline is the reason I’ve asked to talk to them this afternoon.
We’re knee-to-knee, she and my dad on the couch, while I’m on the ottoman between it and the TV against the wall. Allie sits quietly in the oversized chair in the corner. My dad catches on first, eyes narrowing as his gaze darts between Allie and me.
He knows I wouldn’t have her here for something unimportant, and he knows Allie wouldn’t be the silent, trembling, wide-eyed mess she is right now unless the news was dire. Allie has never been afraid to wear her emotions on her sleeve, and normally I admire her for it, but right now her fear is written all over her damn face.
“No.” I run my palms up and down my thighs.God, I’m sweating. “I actually... I’m not sure if I want to return to Berkeley in the fall.”
I bite my lip, cutting my gaze to Allie, afraid to look at my parents. I know they’ll be upset, and the worst part is that this is theleastdevastating news I have to share with them today.
I gave myself a full forty-eight hours to grieve my past life, all the versions of myself I’ll never become. I gave myself two days to figure out a plan, so that I could have a clear head going into this conversation. I gave myself two days to prepare for the look of disappointment on their faces when they found out the perfect ray of sunshine they raised is not at all who they hoped she’d be.
“Because of Parker?” my mom asks.
I’m still looking at Allie, and she nods, as if to say,Go on.
I turn to face my parents again, and the moment my eyes meet my dad’s, they begin to feel heavy. I don’t want to look at him when I say this. I don’t want him to know, because I know it’s going to hurt him as bad as it hurts me.
“Yes,” I murmur, dropping my gaze.
“What happened, Willow?” There is a curt, clipped tone to Dad’s voice that slices right through me.
“I lied.” I link my hands together at the center of my lap, keeping my eyes fixed there. I can face them when I say the words, but I don’t have to look them in the eye. The sorrow within them can continue belonging wholly to me. “He didn’t cheat on me. He...”
“Call it what it is,” Allie whispers, cutting through the tension that’s hazed this room to the point of near blindness. As if I can’t see anything but my own self-doubt.
“He sexually assaulted me.” I trade the words in my mouth with the air in front of me, inhaling sharply enough that I’m damn near choking on it.
I’m still staring at my hands, and I hadn’t realized I was crying until a drop lands on my thumb, cascading down my knuckle and over my wrist. There is a gasp, and a mutteredfuckbefore a shuffling in my periphery tells me that my dad has risen from the couch, his footsteps now pacing back and forth between it and the ottoman I’m sitting on.
“Oh, Willow.” My mother’s hand lands on top of mine, and I finally lift my head, meeting her face. There are tears shimmering in her hazel eyes and raw devastation in her features. “Can you tell us what happened, baby?”
I nod, taking a shaky breath before I say, “The sex was consensual.” I wince, hating that they’re hearing this. “It wasn’t until afterward I... I went to the bathroom and thought the condom broke. He said that was what must’ve happened, but...” Parker had a habit of lying to me. Always small incidents, things that were easy to brush off and overlook, but I could tell when he wasn’t being truthful. He’d spin the situation and make it my fault, call me paranoid, or quickly change the topic and force us to talk about something else. When I asked him about the condom, he asked me when I planned on getting back on birth control, because he hated condoms, anyway. So... “I fished it out of the trash can, and found that it wasn’t broken...” I sigh, shuddering with tears. “After pressing him about it, he admitted he hadn’t been wearing one when he... He’d taken it off at some point, and I... I didn’t notice.” My voice breaks, “He never told me. He never asked.”
“Baby.” Suddenly, I’m pulled into the space my dad vacated and wrapped in my mother’s arms. Her chest expands rapidly against my ear, her body shaking with sobs, though I can feel the restraint of her attempt to keep them under control. “I’m so sorry.”
I lift my head, and through tear-blurred vision, I find my dad standing in front of us, utter desolation on his face.
“I told him I wasn’t okay with that. I told him I hadn’t consented. I asked if he had planned to tell me about it.” I wipe beneath my eyes and clear my throat. “I got angry. I felt... I felt violated. Disrespected. Like my body didn’t matter beyond a means of him finding pleasure. LikeIdidn’t matter.” I swallow,and it feels like my insides are filled with cement. “He got defensive. He told me...” I shake my head.
I don’t want to share what he said back to me. I don’t want to admit to my parents—to anyone—that another person could think such a thing about me. I’m terrified of the words sticking in their heads, that they’ll never be able to see me as anything different ever again.
I’m still looking at my dad, watching the slow fall of one tear down his cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
That desolation morphs into indignation as he rapidly shakes his head, forcing the ottoman out of his way with his foot before dropping to the floor in front of me. He grabs my face with both hands, lifting my head from Mom’s chest and leveling me with his gaze.
“Do not ever apologize for his actions. For anyone’s. This is not your fault.”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt.
It rushes out before I can catch it. I don’t know why I say it. I didn’t plan to share it this way. I’d planned to give them time to process what happened with Parker first. I didn’t want to bombard them with the news, and the way my dad’s frozen face stares back at me now tells me I absolutely fucked this up.
