“I have the same fear. That I’ll never be able to handle being touched at all.”
She sniffles. “What do you mean?”
“This... right now? This is the most I’ve touched another person since my mother died.Youare the person I’ve touched most consistently in my entire life. I am terrified I’llnever experience the full range of human emotion—of love and intimacy. I’m even more terrified that if I do, I’ll do it wrong.” I let out a shuddering breath against the top of her head, my heart thrashing against my chest with enough force there is no doubt she feels it where our bodies press together. “I’ve never told anyone this before, but I’m afraid I’m damaged beyond repair too.”
“You’re not doing this wrong,” she says, voice shallow as she draws circles over the top of my hand with her thumb. “Whatever is happening right now...” Her cheek brushes mine as she tilts her head, gazing up at me with glistening eyes. “It feels right.”
“Yeah,” I breathe. “It does.”
“Can I tell you a truth now?”
My lips quirk. “I thought that was the trade.”
She huffs a laugh, dropping her eyes back to our hands. “I haven’t even been able to... touch myself. Since that night. It’s like... every time I close my eyes, I only see that last encounter. I only see his face. The feeling of afterward and...” She sighs. “I don’t know how to make it go away. It’s like... I don’t even feel desire anymore.” She glances at me, eyes blazing. “Unless I’m...”
“Unless what, Wills?” I ask, desperate beyond words to know the completion of that thought.
“Nothing. I’m drunk.”
I sigh, knowing it’s not right to push her if she’s not feeling one hundred percent in control of her words. Instead, I continue holding her, watching the sky and the stars, listening to the waves crash against the shore, the crackle of fire and distant laughter beyond us.
“We should go back,” Willow whispers after a while.
“Whatever you want to do. I’m here for you.”
She tucks her face into the crook of my arm, and her lips tilt against my skin. With a long, soft sigh, she wiggles out of my hold, and I let her go, watching as she stands and reaches out to help me up.
We walk in silence back to the bonfire.
“Ohmygosh,” Allie slurs, throwing herself into Willow’s arms. “I’m so happy I found you. Guys!” She throws an arm around Willow’s shoulders, spinning her in the direction of Archer and Zander before wagging her finger between them. “This is my best friend.”
Zander tosses us a bewildered smirk before addressing his twin. “Is she talking to us? Does she think we don’t know?”
Archer shakes his head, laughing softly. “We’re aware, Allie Cat.”
Willow chuckles, turning toward me to hide her face as she wipes away the last of her tears. Her eyes meet mine briefly, and I mouthokay?She nods, offering me a reassuring smile before she lets Allie take her hand and pull her toward the fire.
“Wait, were you two fucking?” Allie asks in what I assume she believes is a whisper, though it’s definitely not.
“Jesus, Allie,” Willow hisses. “No.”
“Oh, good. Yeah. Sex on the beach is fun in theory but it’s also like begging the universe for a yeast infection.”
Willow glances at me over her shoulder, eyes wide.Sorry.
I shrug, huffing a laugh.
I can’t pretend it’s not a little uncomfortable being around a group of people who are so unashamedly open about sex when I feel like I have nothing to add to the conversation. It’s a reiteration that I don’t fit in, that I’m too broken to be considered normal.
Though, talking with Willow just then was like looking into a pool of rippling water and seeing my own reflection. Not identical. Not a mirror. Different undulations, but a similarity sostark it’s jarring. Our pasts couldn’t be more opposite, and yet we somehow ended up with the same fears.
I wanted so badly to tell her all my truths, to tell her I struggle with the same obstacles. Touching myself is only ever about physical release, never desire—and I’m constantly wondering what the fuck is wrong with me because of it. I wanted to tell her the only time I can remember feeling any kind of arousal for another person is when she had my finger in her mouth last week. But when she admitted she was drunk, that she hadn’t intended to disclose those secrets to me, I decided it best to keep mine to myself too.
Allie grabs two more wine coolers out of the ice chest, shoving one into Willow’s chest. I expect Willow to turn it down, but she doesn’t.
“Allie, you sure you wanna keep going,amor?” Archer asks, peering up at her from where he sits.
She only stares down at him, maintaining eye contact as she pops the cap on the bottle, tilts it to her lips, and takes several massive gulps.
