“My love is cursed,” she murmurs, lifting her head as her gaze locks on mine. “I say the words, and people tend to die.”
“Elena,” I rasp, shaking my head. “Every person who’s ever died did so being loved by someone else. Does that mean it’s all cursed?”
“I don’t know.”
I take a deep breath, leaning against the back of the passenger seat and sliding my hands down her body until they reach her hips. I move her to straddle me, and she follows my movements until her legs rest on either side of mine, and her hands hold my shoulders.
Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, I say, “I don’t think you’re afraid of love, Elena. I think you’re afraid of the inconsistency of it.”
She tilts her head with perplexity. “What do you mean?”
“You know with certainty that you are loved by your brothers. By your parents. If you lost them tomorrow, as devastating as it would be, you would know they left loving you.
“You didn’t have that with Zach. His love was inconsistent. It was always a question. You don’t know if he loved you when he died. You don’t know if he ever loved you at all.”
Her breath hitches, eyes glossing over as the realization settles in.
I don’t know the full extent of whatever conversation they had on his final day, but I do know that he showed up to her apartment the night before, after going out drinking with her brothers. I know that the next morning, he came to me in a rage after finding out we’d chosen each other.
If I had to guess, he went after Elena that night in an attempt at getting her back, and she told him it was too late. If I had to guess, they likely spat the kind of venom only they were capable of poisoning each other with. He admitted he said some things to her he’d live to regret.
Like my final moments with him, there was no closure, and no resolution. At surface level, it was disdain and fury for all of us, and I may be the only other person on the planet that has some understanding of the burden that she carries.
“No.” She swallows, breath rattling. “It wasn’t a question. I know exactly how he felt.” My stomach drops at the hopeless tone in her voice. “The last words he said to me were: ‘You are impossible to love.’”
That sinking sensation inside me plummets further, desolation icing my veins.
“Oh, Elena,” I whisper, grabbing her face again. “He didn’t mean it. You know that, right?” I press her forehead against mine, aligning our gazes so she can see the conviction in my eyes. “He told me he said some things he’d come to regret, and I know with certainty, he was referring to exactly that.”
She closes her eyes, shaking her head against mine. “I said something even worse.”
“You can tell me, baby. Tell me what’s been hurting you so I can fix it.”
She takes a shuddering inhale, as if in physical pain at the memory. “I told him I wished he’d leave again. That I wished he wouldn’t return.”
It’s like a blow to the chest, realizing all the anger and hurt of that day. The way we all damaged each other. One gone sinking with their rage, and two left behind to carry the weight of the blame.
“I said terrible things too. We all hurt each other, and he’d feel this pain if the roles had been reversed, so I have to believe that wherever he is now, he’s empathizing with us.
“We never saw what was coming. We didn’t know the weight the words would hold, but he’d already forgiven us by the time it was said and done.”
“There’s no way to know for sure, though, is there?”
I shake my head against hers, gripping the base of her neck to hold her against me. To keep her feet on the ground and her heart on the earth. Like atmosphere and gravity.
“Let me tell you what I do know,” I whisper. “I love you, Elena.
“I love you as a person. I love you as a woman. I love you as a friend. I love you when you’re near me and when you’re far away. I’ve loved you when you didn’t love me back. I’ve loved you when I wish I hated you.” Tears fall from her cheeks, and I kiss them away with every confession. “You’re ingrained into the fabric of my being. Your name is carved into my bones and etched across my soul. There is not a reality that I exist in where I don’t love you. I’ll never leave it up for debate, I’ll never allow you to question it. I will never be apart from you without it being clear.
“I love you when I’m living, and I’ll love you when I’m dead. I loved you when you were my best friend. I loved you when I watched you love someone else. I loved you when you were my enemy and my bad habit and my vice. There is no sin you could commit, no mistake you could make. I’ll keep loving you through every single falter in your steps forward, even if it means you’re walking away.”
Her entire body trembles in my arms, and I feel her lips quivering against my chin as I continue to kiss away her tears. I feel them on my flesh as they move with the words she speaks. “I’m not walking away. I can’t anymore. I don’t think I deserve you, and I don’t think I can be convinced, but I’m too selfish to let you go.”
“Good,” I rasp, eyes locking on her lips. “Be selfish. Let me be yours.”
“I don’t know if I know how to love someone anymore. I don’t even know how to love myself.” Her bottom lip slips beneath her teeth as she studies my face, dragging a hand up my neck and cupping my jaw. “I don’t know how to say the words.”
“I don’t need them,” I whisper. “I feel them in every brush of our skin. Every kiss.” I press my lips to her jaw. “Every sweet moan of my name that leaves your mouth. You can show me your love, Elena. I’ll cherish it all the same. I’ll teach you to love yourself again, too.”
