I glance around at the ocean-inspired murals accenting the walls, and the massive canvas behind the register showcasing both of my brothers sitting on twin surfboards while laughing. There is a display in the corner of the store with more blown-up photos of the two of them dressed in apparel from a campaign they began last year with a surfwear brand.
Heathen’s is the quintessential West Coast surf shop you’d expect to find in a quaint beach town like Pacific Shores, and that’s probably why I don’t come often.
It reminds me of Zach. The quintessential West Coast surfer boy who wanted so badly to be something different, and died in a surfing accident just as he was beginning to accept his roots. He never even got to see Heathen’s up and running. He’ll probably never know the inspiration he provided this place, but I can see him painted all over the walls here.
Everett clears his throat, and I lift my eyes to meet his. His brows are drawn, head tilted as he waits for me to respond.
“I was actually at the bakery with Dahlia.”
A surprised smile lifts at his lips. “Really? What were you doing there?”
“Interview,” I say absently as I step behind the counter and begin helping him fold T-shirts. “August offered to let me rent one of his spare rooms, and I think I’m going to take it. I know you offered me a job a few months ago, but I wanted to make sure Dahlia and I were going to work well together before I accepted a handout like that.”
“Wasn’t a handout.” He doesn’t look at me, and we continue working in tandem. “I love you, and I’d do anything for you, but that bakery is Dahlia’s livelihood now. It’s her legacy, and I wouldn’t risk that for a pity job offer. You have the skills she needs, and I think you’ll add value to the operations of the cafe. Trying to set you up with a position there was as much a favor to Dahlia as to you.”
I shrug. “Well, I thought Dahlia should be the one to decide.”
“And what was it she decided?”
“I start Monday.”
“I figured.” He chuckles, eyes lifting to meet mine. “And you’re going to move in with August? Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
Not at all.
But I don’t see myself having many other options, and some primal part of me, maybe the piece of my soul that craves pain, actually yearns to be in his presence. I try to shove that voice so far down she’s forgotten, but she’s proved impossible to ignore.
“I think it’ll be fine,” I murmur.
I sometimes picture him—his voice, his touch, his eyes—when my hand is between my legs, and I’m chasing pleasure. So, it kind of turns me on when he narrows that emerald gaze in mydirection. When he’s kind to me in a rough way, like he doesn’t want to be, but he can’t help it.
I left August, I cut him out, I drowned myself in liquor and warm bodies to try to forget him, and it didn’t work. Seeing him in the flesh, living beneath his roof—it doesn’t amplify any feelings I’ve forgotten. They’ve always been here, haunting and tormenting me.
Perhaps dancing with that ghost up close and personal can serve as the punishment for all the sins I can’t seem to outrun. I’ll torture myself with his eyes and his voice while I’m forced to be deprived of his touch.
“The things he said to you the other night—” Everett begins, but I cut him off with, “I deserved them.”
His head snaps up, eyes narrowed. “Why do you think that?”
I pluck the last shirt from the pile, folding it and setting it on the others, smiling at my brother and ignoring his question. “I’m going to head back to your place and start packing my things. Will you be around later to help me bring them over?”
He sighs defeatedly before nodding. “Yeah. I’ll be home after Lou gets out of school, around three.”
I pat his hand, but he doesn’t look at me when I smile at him.
As I make my way toward the front door, Everett calls out, “I don’t think this is the healthiest living situation for either of you, Lele.”
I turn around, pressing my back to the handle as I push it open. “There isn’t anywhere for me to live that is healthy, but at least this way, those of us most damaged will be out of everyone else’s way.”
13
VIOLET
“TALK” - HOZIER
“You thinkthat having Elena move in with you is the best option?” my therapist, Kelsey, asks.
“I mean…it felt right at the time I asked.” I rub the back of my neck with a hand. “But now everyone is telling me it’s a bad idea, and I’m rethinking my decision.”
