40
VICE
“NEVER LET ME GO” - FLORENCE + THE MACHINE
“I really am soexcited for you both,” I say, slipping through the back door and onto Leo’s porch. In the distance, the sun fades into the Pacific’s horizon line, streaking the sky above it in shades of orange and pink.
Leo and Everett sit on the swing, both barefoot in board shorts, talking quietly amongst themselves. Our mom is never responsible for cleaning up after dinner on Sundays, since she always cooks, but the rest of us pull cards for who gets dish duty. This week my dad and I lost, and while I was tidying up the kitchen, the rest of the family went about entertaining themselves.
I think August is with Darby, checking on Willow. It sounded like Dahlia, Lou, and my mom were in the living room catching up on some show they watch together that premieres on Sunday evenings, and Dad was going to join them when we finished.
Finding my brothers out here on the porch, I quietly shut the French doors behind me before padding over to where they sit and making space for myself between them. I pull my legs up, locking my arms around my knees as they both rock their heels against the deck to move the swing back and forth.
“Thanks, Lele,” Everett says, and I know he’s trying to sound soft, but his tone comes out gruff instead.
“Can we talk about this now?” Leo asks. “It’s been stressing me out for days, honestly. I know you two have that twin telepathy shit or whatever, but you can’t just fight inside your heads while leaving me out of the loop. It isn’t fair.”
I lean onto Leo’s shoulder, feeling the steady movement of his breathing against my cheek. He’s like a fucking rock. Not just physically, though he is incredibly toned. Leo is consistent, as reliable as the sunrise every morning. Like a walking comfort blanket that’s always going to welcome me with open arms, even when I don’t deserve it.
“Sorry,” I murmur. Glancing at Everett, who’s watching me with a pained expression, I add, “We should probably wait for August, thou?—”
As if I summoned him, one of the back doors creaks open as August slips through it. I can practically feel the trepidation cascading off him with every step he takes. He stands in front of the swing, leaning back against the porch railing. He smiles cautiously, eyes focused on me.
“Do you want me to continue jumping to conclusions, or do you want to lay it all out for me right now?” Everett asks, his words aimed at August.
I sigh, rising from the swing and turning to hoist myself onto the porch railing beside August. I grab his hand, twining his fingers through mine and placing them in my lap before raising my head to face both my brothers.
I feel the thickness of emotion already beginning to coat my throat as August whispers, “We need to talk about Zach.” He leans into me, planting his lips against my temple. “All of us.”
“So, let me get this straight…”Everett’s folded over, elbows resting on his thighs as he massages his temples. “You were always just friends, but after Zach left for Wyoming, you realized you had feelings for August the whole time?”
“I don’t know,” I admit on a sigh. “I guess? I always knew something else brewed between us, but I didn’t think it was possible. I’d seen myself as already having chosen someone, and that I couldn’t just…change my mind.”
“But you did.”
“Zach left me,” I snap. “I was fucking broken.” Leo squeezes the tension out of his jaw, looking defeated. Everett’s head finally snaps up, eyes meeting mine, and a flash of understanding registers in his gaze, so I continue, “But it also made me realize that if he could do that—if he could wake up one day and suddenly decide he wants a whole new life, if he could throw me away without a second thought—why couldn’t I do the same? If I realized that there might be someone else out there better for me than he was, why couldn’t I chase that happiness?”
“I understand it, Lena,” Leo says softly. “I guess I don’t understand why you two kept everyone else in the dark.”
I glance at August for explanation, because that’s on him. Sure, I was somewhat jaded by the way Zach left, but regardless, I was more than ready to shout my newfound happiness from every rooftop on the planet. August was the hesitant one, and while I understand the circumstances were different from his end, and he wanted to treat his brother with respect, I decide it’s not my place to voice that.
He squeezes my hand, sighing. “Honestly? It was partially because I didn’t want to blindside my brother—I felt he deserveda face-to-face conversation about it. But it was also because I was afraid that the moment he came home…” August faces me. “I thought you’d just go back to him like every time before. If this whole love affair remained a secret, and I lost you, I could at least try and save my soul by pretending it never existed to begin with.”
“Augustus…” I trail off, not knowing what else to say. It’s easy for me to think I could reassure him with nothing but words, but the truth is, his fear is warranted. He watched me run back to his brother countless times throughout our life, and when we lost Zach for good, I ran again.
“And I did lose her.” He clears his throat, turning his head to look at my brothers again. “It fucked me up in every way I anticipated it would, and the secrets kept were my futile attempt at salvaging any piece of me that didn’t go with her.”
“Can you tell us what happened the day he…” Leo swallows. “It’s just… It’s rattled my brain for years, and maybe knowing those last moments won’t make anything better, but I want to understand.”
I take a deep breath, tilting my head toward the sky as I blink back the tears already threatening me. “He showed up at my apartment the night before. He’d been out with you two, and he was completely shit-faced.”
“I remember throwing him into an Uber,” Everett says roughly before barking out a tortured laugh. “He called me a ‘dumb whore’ as I shut the door in his face.” He swallows, shaking his head in disbelief. “That was the last thing he ever said to me.”
“He really had a way with last words,” I murmur.
“Tell me what you mean, Lele.”
My bottom lip trembles as I attempt to force words out, but the tears come first. August untangles his hand from mine, raising it to my face and wiping them away.
