“Might slow you down a little, but yeah.”
“Perfect. It’s a date. Any more business to discuss?” Cipher’s dark eyes swept the group. No one spoke up, so he rapped the table once, signalling our business was completed, then stood and cleared his plate. Before leaving, he laid a hand on myshoulder. “I’ll be upstairs when you’re finished with your chores. We need to talk.”
“All right,” I said with a knot of unease in the pit in my stomach. How long could I draw out after-dinner cleanup? Maybe by the time I got upstairs, Cipher would already be asleep. By tomorrow morning, he’ll have forgotten completely that I lied to him about my empty inhaler, and we can both pretend it never happened.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” Teresa told me as we were stacking dishes in our wash basin. “You should have told him yourself,” she added, unnecessarily. Her way of apologizing, I supposed.
“Yeah, I know.” I hated being told what I already knew to be true. I didn’t need her reminding me of my mistakes. I wasn’t great at apologizing either. I was definitely a work in progress, as my mother would say.
“He never stays mad at you for long,” she said, trying again to be helpful.
“Probably because I give excellent blowjobs.”
“Ew, Kitten, gross,” she said with a laugh and shoved me.
But it was one way to get back on his good side without having to talk about it. If we could not talk about it, that would be great. I was still counting on him falling asleep and forgetting all about it, though that was a long shot. Cipher had the memory of an elephant.
When I couldn’t draw out my chores any longer, I trudged up the stairs, expecting to find my boyfriend already in bed, but he was in the adjoining bathroom, taking a bucket bath. The door was part way open, and he was sitting on the side of the tub, his broad shoulders slick with water, his black hair sleek and wet. Droplets of water beaded on his shoulders where a few dark freckles dotted his otherwise unmarked skin. I didn’t want tofight with him, and I didn’t want to discuss it. All I wanted was to hold him as tight as I possibly could and never let go.
“Want me to wash your back?” I asked, coming nearer. I couldn’t resist him, even when we were at odds. There was an invisible tether always drawing us back together, tugging at my heart like a rubber band.
“This doesn’t get you out of trouble,” he said.
“Couldn’t hurt though.”
He handed me the wash rag and bar of soap. I lathered it up, then scrubbed his shoulders and the back of his neck. Artemis had recently cut his hair with clippers. I admired the edges of his haircut, thinking how handsome he was–even his hairline—while attempting to control the jumble of emotions swirling inside me.
He leaned forward, and I noticed the tan line of his collar, where his tawny skin turned the color of buttermilk. I was probably the only one who ever saw his bare back and torso, since he didn’t make a habit of walking around shirtless like Macon and myself. Cipher was modest, in most ways. He didn’t boast or make big proclamations. He did his work quietly and efficiently, always the last to call it quits for the day. He led by example and taught the rest of us the skills we needed to survive because he loved us all. We’d made him our leader because he was fair and just and because we trusted him to do what was right for the group, not just himself.
All of those things I admired about him, but my love for him was something greater still. He was a part of me, part of who I’d become. I looked to him for advice and for comfort. I understood myself better through loving him. He was the person attached to the other side of my heartstring. My forever favorite song.
I felt pretty bad then; my lying had only caused him to worry and mistrust me. I was a shitty boyfriend, I realized. I set the washrag aside and massaged the knots in his shoulders and inthe bands of muscle along his spine. He was wound so tightly, a coiled viper ready to spring into action to defend any one of us.
“I could have heated up some water,” I said to him.
“I didn’t want you to go to all the trouble.”
“I would havelikedto have done it. Turn around so I can rinse you.”
Carefully, he swiveled on the side of the tub so that his front was facing me. I dipped the cup into his bucket of cold water and rinsed his back, watching the water cascade down his smooth skin and pool in the bottom of the tub. His spine arched from the cold as chill bumps raised along his shoulder, the fine hair standing on end. Cipher gazed up at me, watching me from under half-lidded eyes. He rarely closed his eyes all the way, even when we kissed, always on the lookout for danger. He’d removed his leg already and it was lying across the closed lid of the toilet, within reach. His pale thighs were pink from the cold water. A line of silky dark hair started at his navel and trailed downward to where his half-hard cock was resting on his bulging sac. I dropped a folded towel on the floor and went down on my knees. I may have been a shitty boyfriend, but I could give him this at least.
“Nice try,” Cipher said as he grabbed my chin and directed my face upward.
“What?” I asked innocently.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Kitten?”
I swallowed around the lump forming in my throat and sat back on my heels. “Because I didn’t want you to worry.”
“I always worry.”
“I didn’t want you to do something dangerous to get one. We’re safe for now, and I needed a little bit more of that before I put any of our lives at risk again.” That was the truth of the matter. We all made sacrifices, and I didn’t want my needs to put anyone else in danger.
He stared at me, considering my words, then asked, “Is this about what happened in Promised Land?”
“You shouldn’t have gone to his house alone. You shouldn’t have gone at all,” I said with a rush of anger. I blinked, shocked at the sudden passion behind my words.
Cipher nodded and smoothed his calloused thumb along my jaw. “You’re right. I was selfish. I put us all at risk. I putyouat risk. I’m trying to do better.”
