“Someone had to do it, since you seem to think you’re invincible and no one can ever hurt you, which is just stupid and wrong.”
“Want to yell at me?” I asked. I could take it.
He rolled onto his back and crossed his arms, staring up at the roof of the Humvee. “What for? You shouldn’t have gone there and confronted him in the first place, especially not alone, but as usual, nothing I say means anything to you”
“That’s not true.” I tried to reach for him but he batted my hands away. “What you say means a lot to me, Kitten.”
“No, it doesn’t, because you always go and do whatever you want anyway. You make all these rules for our safety, but you never follow them. Do you want to die?”
“No,” I said, which was mostly true. “You’re right in that I shouldn’t have gone there alone.” But I hadn’t wanted to endanger anyone else either, and especially not Kitten. It was easier on my conscience if I only had to worry about myself.
“What’s the point in even having this conversation?” he said, his agitation growing. “You won’t listen to me. You never do.”
It took me a moment to wrap my head around his anger and frustration, his claims that I didn’t treat him as an equal, but in my mind, we weren’t equals. His life mattered a lot more to me than my own.
Something told me that wasn’t going to fly. At the very least, I could address my own hypocrisy. I should be leading by example, not being reckless with my body and my mind, then using drugs to come down or escape myself altogether.
It was going to take more than just pretty words to make things right with him. I’d have to change my ways.
“Iwilllisten to you,” I insisted. “I was wrong. I was trying to protect you, but I haven’t been allowing you to do the same for me. I needed you tonight, Kitten, and you came through because you’re a lot braver and stronger than I give you credit for. You’ve been trying to tell me all along. The rules should be the same for us both.”
He looked over at me, cautiously, and I hoped that he could see I was being sincere.
“Do you think what I did was wrong?” he asked.
“No. That asshole sold you to a fucking rapist, and you weren’t the first either. He deserved what he got. I’d have done the same. That was my intention in going over there, to kill that lying bastard.”
“I don’t even feel all that bad about it, and I know I should because murder is a sin, but I’d do the same thing again if it meant that you’d be here with me now. I hate you for worrying me like that, for taking that risk, for making me do what I did. I’m so angry at you but I love you so much and I don’t know what to do…” He balled up his fists and pressed them against his eyes.
I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. It probably wasn’t the time to make promises, but I needed him to know that I’d meant what I said.
“Things will be different when we get to South Carolina. We’ll build our own community, one that’s truly just and fair, and we’ll grow things in the garden, and you can learn to play the guitar, and we’ll be peaceful and safe. The real thing this time. The rules will be set by all of us, and we’ll all have to follow them, even me.”
He blinked his beautiful brown eyes, so soft and lovely. “You mean it?” he asked, as wistful as ever.
“I mean it. I’m quitting the drugs too.”
“I don’t want you to stop because of me.”
“It’s not because of you. I don’t want to be dependent on them anymore, to have to worry about what I’ll do if I run out of pills or obsessing over the next time I can get high. I’ll deal with my nightmares and insomnia some other way.”
“I’ll help you, as much as I can.”
“I’m going to need it. Now tell me, what do you want from me? What can I do to make this easier for you?”
“I don’t want to be scared anymore,” he said.
Living in a place without fear was hard to imagine, but I wanted it all the same, for Kitten and myself and the rest of our family too. Promised Land had turned out to be a lie, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t create our own safe haven, a place without Rabids or raiders or evil, backstabbing traitors.
“I don’t want to be scared anymore either.” I kissed his temple and he finally turned toward me, grabbing hold of my hands.
“And I don’t want you to push me away or hide things from me, Cipher.”
“I’m going to be completely honest with you from now on, I promise.”
“Where did you get those pills?” he asked.
“Larry gave them to me. He wanted to control me, and he thought that if he kept me drugged and distracted, I might forget about you.”
