“Maybe you should,” he said, eyes narrowing shrewdly.
“Hopefully we’ll get another chance. And soon,” Donnie said. “This graveyard shift is the pits.”
Larry clapped him on the back. “Don’t be too discouraged now, son. Give it a few more nights, and if the tiger doesn’t show up again on his own, well, then we may need to revise our tactics.”
Donnie left soon after and Larry slipped me a bottle of pills, more than I needed, more than I should have. “What’s this for?” I said because he’d given me some just a week ago.
“You look like you could use them.”
I stalled there in the fluorescent-lit hallway and debated about telling him the truth, that I may have missed on purpose and that I wasn’t the right person for the job, but Larry seemed to have places to go and people to see, because he told me to get moving so he could lock up.
“I’m expecting a visitor to arrive later today with a very special delivery,” he said as we were about to part ways.
“What kind of special delivery?”
“A little of this, a little of that.”
“Cryptic much?”
He shrugged. “It’s the way of things. Not all of our equipment is procured through strictly legal avenues. Being a former scavenger yourself, I’m sure you understand. Get some sleep now, Cipher. I need you to be well-rested and ever vigilant. The safety of our town depends on it.”
That was a terrifying prospect.
“Roger that.”
There was no one at the house when I arrived–Kitten and the others must have left for work already–so, I took Larry’s advice to heart and crushed two pills. Rather than roll them up with tobacco, I snorted the powder for a quicker high. The rush hit me immediately and I found myself grinning at the weightless euphoria. Giddy and carefree, the only other times I’d felt this way was with Kitten, but I didn’t want to examine that too closely or else the guilt might catch up with me.
It was a dangerous game I was playing, but it was hard to worry about tomorrow when right now felt so fucking good. I didn’t have to think about the way Kitten had been looking at me lately, like I was a stranger to him, or his questions, or the growing distance between me and the rest of our crew. I didn’t have to think about the fact that I felt like a monster when I killed something and a failure when I didn’t.
I sat on the ledge of our bedroom window, smoking one cigarette after another, and stared out at the town going about its morning routine with a vague sense of superiority. I was a soldier, trusted by the leader and founder of this town, on a very important mission to serve and protect.
I laughed at how ridiculous I sounded, like a fucking cop on a power trip, the exact thing I hated. Besides, I had failed at my mission. I hadn’t killed the tiger because I couldn’t follow orders nor could I handle the guilt of not following orders, and no matter what I did, there was no way to win because this game was fucking rigged.
I hated myself and I hated what this world had done to me, all that it had taken from me. I was broken and Kitten was whole, and because of that fact and so many others, we didn’t belong together and soon enough, he’d realize it too.
Who was I really? I had no fucking clue.
I crushed up another two pills.
TWELVE
KITTEN
I wasat the birthing center, organizing Marion’s files and trying not to think about the fact that I still hadn’t seen or spoken to Cipher since yesterday, when I heard voices in reception. We’d seen the last of our patients already that day, so I wandered out of her office, curious as to who it might be.
“Brother Joshua,” Larry said and gestured to the grim-faced man standing next him. “This is Jeremiah, an old friend of mine, and he has a surprise for you both.”
I glanced over at Marion who seemed as perplexed as me by this unexpected visitor, then back to the man named Jeremiah who appeared as an impenetrable wall. Broad-shouldered and muscular, he wore a standard-issue United Forces uniform, olive green shirt and camouflage cargo pants, but with the UF insignia removed and patched over. There were dog tags slung around his neck, three knives strapped where I could see, and a gun holstered at his side. His square jaw was stubbled and his eyes were guarded as he scanned everyone present, including me. His demeanor reminded me of Cipher in a way, though this man was older and seemed far less approachable.
“How about you go out and get it for us, kid?” Larry said and slapped Jeremiah on the shoulder with the same familiarity I’d seen him use with Cipher.
Jeremiah turned sharply, like a soldier, and headed for the door. A moment later, he wheeled in what looked like a neonatal incubator, complete with the phototherapy lights and plexiglass dome.
“Wow,” I said, sharing in Marion’s surprise and delight. It had only been a couple of weeks since Marion had made the request of the Council and already it had arrived? “Where’d you get it?” I asked.
Jeremiah stared through me as if I hadn’t asked the question while Larry said on his behalf, “Don’t go worrying yourself about that, Brother Joshua. Needless to say, it’s ours now. Jeremiah’s just here for the day, so why don’t you do me a favor and show him around town while I discuss some things here with Marion.”
I knew when I was being dismissed. Larry had a habit of doing it to me fairly often, something Cipher hadn’t noticed and I’d never pointed out because it seemed petty to do so. But I was grateful that we now had life-saving equipment for the newborns of Promised Land. I went outside and Jeremiah followed, looming over me like a dark shadow. We stood for a moment under the glare of the sun in an awkward silence.
