I couldn’t have done it. Even near the end, there was no way I’d have had the strength to end my own mother’s life, even if she’d attacked me. I probably would have just rolled over and let it happen. That was why there were so many Rabids nowadays. Killing strangers was one thing, but your own family? Your own child?
“I’m so sorry, Cipher.” I wished I could do more for him than just listen and hold him. If only I could free him from this guilt and pain.
“Aiko came in right after. She screamed.” He shook his head. “She just… lost it. I didn’t know what to do or who to call for help. The hospitals and quarantine shelters were full. But I knew a guy who would take care of my leg for me, so I went there. He tied a tourniquet around my thigh and sawed off my leg, no anesthesia. The pain was…”
He started crying again, so I rocked him gently and petted his hair like my mother used to do for me.
“I came back home on crutches a couple days later and Aiko…” His voice was broken, choked with sobs. “She was dead. She’d taken too many pills and overdosed.”
He buried his head in my shoulder and I kissed the top of his head.
“I was so pissed at her for leaving me, for not including me in her plans. We could have done it together, you know?”
I blinked back tears and thanked God that Cipher hadn’t chosen that path.
“So I took a couple pills to dull the pain and hobbled my ass to the closest youth shelter. Eventually, I was placed at The Admiral where I met Gizmo and then Artemis. The fire happened, and then we left.”
He sagged against me, and I rocked him for a long time, until his sniffles quieted and his breathing evened out. I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better, and I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and make it worse, but I hoped he’d know that we were in this together.
He pulled away eventually and wiped his face with his t-shirt. “So, that’s why I’ve got trust issues,” he said with a watery smile. “And that’s why I don’t talk about my family.”
I nodded. “Come here,” I said and laid down with him. I grabbed another blanket and pulled it over top of us, so that we were cocooned inside of it. “Thank you for telling me what happened. I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that alone. This may be selfish, but I’m glad you made those choices, because that’s what led you to me and the rest of our crew. We can’t replace your family, but we can be that for you now. We all love you and care about you, Cipher, and you have to know that you are irreplaceable.”
“Thank you for saying that,” he said as his fingertip traced my lips.
“What did your family call you?”
“Nikko,” he said. “Ironically enough, it means sunshine in Japanese.”
“Nikko.” I said his name with care. “What’s your last name?”
“Kanemoto.”
“Nikko Kanemoto. That’s beautiful.” He smiled and I said, “I’m here now to tuck you in, and I’ll be here when you wake up tomorrow morning. I won’t leave you, Nikko, I promise. I’m staying right here no matter what.”
He nodded, looking younger and more vulnerable than I’d ever seen him before, and I realized that underneath it all, Cipher was just as scared and lonely as me. And he needed protection too, to be cared for and loved and tucked into bed at night, to be kept safe and sound from all the monsters in the world in whatever form they took.
“Sing me to sleep?” he asked quietly.
I sang a song my mother used to sing to me, one that was fitting for the name he’d been given, not the name he’d chosen for himself as a way to cope with his past.
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…” Cipher closed his eyes and sighed deeply, and I sang through all of the verses I knew so that when I finally reached the last line, it felt more like a prayer than a children’s lullaby. “Please don’t take my sunshine away.”
* * *
Dawn brokein a beautiful kaleidoscope of color over the green, green pastures, the silhouettes of the cows the only shadows breaking up the sun’s gorgeous light. The ground was wet with dew, and so were our sleeping bags. Cipher was still asleep beside me, curled up like a roly poly. Usually at this hour, I’d be up and helping Macon gather wood for the morning fire, but not today. Today, I wasn’t leaving Cipher’s side.
“Good morning,” I said to him when he began to stir.
“Morning,” he said in a scratchy voice and squinted at the sun. The sky was huge here, surrounding us on all sides, with cotton candy clouds that looked close enough to reach out and touch.
“What’s your favorite color?” I asked him.
“Green.”
“What kind of green?”
“Dark green. The color of pine trees when the sun shines on them from behind. How about you?”
