“No. I want to be with Cipher, but I also want to stay with our other friends too. We take care of each other, like a family, and I don’t want to be left behind.” Santiago swallowed and I could tell he was upset, but I believed this was what was best for me, just as he’d decided what was best for him. “I’m going to leave a map with Ansel in case you want to join us. He still works for the bottling plant. You can find him there.”
“So, you’ve made up your mind already?”
“Yeah, I have. I’m sorry I can’t wait for you.”
He nodded and pursed his lips. “Was it bad?” he said after a moment. “When Mom died?”
It was bad, but it could have been so much worse.
“She was really sick in the end. She would have turned Rabid except for Cipher…” I turned to where his shadow haunted the courtyard. I could tell from his stiff gait and the compulsive way he smoked his cigarette that he was stressed. “Cipher took care of her for me. For us.” I glanced back at my brother and he nodded, staring down at his lap.
Santiago said to me, “Remember when we built that tree fort with Lucas and the two of us decided you were too little to come up and hang with us, so we made you prove yourself by getting random stuff from around the neighborhood and even after you did, we still wouldn’t let you up?”
They’d sent me all over the place to get everything from a dog’s squeaky toy to a live tadpole. “Yeah, you guys were jerks.”
“And you told Mom about it and she gave me extra chores, so I called you a baby brat, and you tried to fight me, but I ended up pinning you until you cried uncle. But then the very next day we were over it, and we were playing with your Pokémon cards and you showed me your favorite one and said that I could keep it.”
Evee, the fox-like creature who had the power to evolve. It wasn’t a particularly powerful card, but I liked it because it was cute.
“I remember,” I said.
Santiago pulled his wallet out of his scrubs and dug into its folds. He held up the tattered and faded card that I recognized as the one I’d given him years ago.
“You kept it?” I asked.
“Of course I kept it. It was your favorite one. Even now when I look at it, it reminds me of you.”
I smiled at his gesture and tried very hard not to cry. I didn’t want him to think I was a baby. I’d always wanted to impress my big brother, and now Cipher too, but maybe the only person I needed to prove anything to was myself.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for,” Santiago said, “and I hope you know you can always come back to me. Even when I am a jerky big brother, I’m still rooting for you.”
I nodded, choked with emotion. “I’m rooting for you too.”
* * *
I was feelinga little sad on our walk back to the dorms. Cipher asked if I wanted to talk about it, but I didn’t know what to say. I loved my brother and I was torn about leaving him, especially not knowing if he might still get sick, but I wanted to continue on to Promised Land with the Assholes. I wanted to have my Great Adventure.
Did that make me selfish?
I was loyal to our crew, and to Cipher especially, but was it foolish of me to follow my heart? There were a ton of country songs written about people like me–a small town girl (or guy) carried off by a handsome cowboy and left high and dry, blown about like tumbleweed in the desert wind. Romantic but tragic. I didn’t think Cipher would do that to me, but then, anything could happen out in Rabid Country.
I didn’t know if this was the best decision, but it felt right in my gut.Pay attention to what your gut is telling you,my mother always told me,and listen to the angel on your shoulder.
The rest of our crew was packing when we got back. Teresa was having a hard time parting with her stuffed animal collection, so I joined her on her bed while the others made plans for the morning. We buried ourselves in the mountain of plush animals and took turns hugging each and every one. Little Miss Purrfect joined us, having picked a particularly plump whale as her favorite that she bunted against then curled up with and took a nap.
“I don’t know how I’m going to leave them all behind,” Teresa said woefully, and I sympathized with her sense of longing. Even though our future in Promised Land seemed bright, it still meant leaving some special things behind. “How can I possibly pick just one to bring with me?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said, not envious of her predicament in the least. “Do you have a favorite?”
“They’reallmy favorites.”
“You could pick one at random, like drawing numbers from a hat. Then the others won’t be jealous.”
“You pick one for me,” she said and buried her head in her pillow. I perused her collection and finally chose the bear that had gotten me through the delousing. I presented it to her and she opened her eyes. “Sugar Bear is a solid choice, but his best friend is Gooseberry and I couldn’t possibly separate them.” She grabbed the animal that looked more like a duck than a goose, then groaned and fell back on the bed dramatically. I sighed along with her and played with her white-gold hair while she agonized over this terrible dilemma.
“Do you think we’ll have to grow up in Promised Land?” Teresa asked after a while. I knew that Artemis babied her and Cipher probably babied me too, but that didn’t mean we didn’t also pull our own weight.
“I don’t know. What does growing up mean?”
