“No.”
Artemis said to Cipher, “Take Kitten to the river to wash up. Macon and I will take care of the bodies.”
“I’m on watch,” Cipher said.
“You haven’t slept in two days, and Kitten just experienced his first Rabid attack. Take it easy for tonight. Make sure you both get warm. We’ll handle it.”
Cipher pulled me toward him, one arm wrapped around me like he was trying to warm me up or afraid to let me go. “There were a lot of them,” I said at last.
“There were,” he agreed while surveying the dead bodies. “They attacked in a pack. They’ve never done that before.”
“Maybe they’re evolving,” Artemis said. “All the more reason to get to Atlanta as soon as we can.”
“Atlanta is a different kind of monster,” Cipher said.
“We can argue about it later. Now, go get cleaned up.”
“Come on, Killer,” Cipher said and grabbed hold of my hand, dragging me along with him to the campsite. His other hand still held the machete. Gizmo and Teresa were by the fire, sitting with their backs to each other so they could monitor our surroundings. Little Miss Purrfect was curled up beside them, asleep.
“That damned cat probably slept through the whole thing,” Cipher grumbled. “Grab some clean clothes.”
“And soap?”
“You brought soap?” he asked.
“Yes, it’s essential.”
He nodded, a wry smile on his face. “Then yes, bring your soap too.”
I gathered up my things as well as a scrap of fabric to use for drying off while he retrieved a change of clothes for himself. He took my hand again as we entered the forest. “I can see you,” I said.
“I don’t care. There are Rabids in these woods.”
“Don’t you need both hands in case more come?”
“I’ll manage. I don’t want you getting lost. Now, hurry up. The sooner we get clean, the sooner we can get warm.”
At the river, I peeled off my shirt and stepped out of my blood-splattered pants. I removed my underwear too in case the blood had soaked through. I didn’t want any of it touching me. We turned our backs to each other while we scrubbed ourselves down. The water was shallow enough that we wouldn’t get swept away by the current. Farther up was the waterfall we’d visited earlier that day, which seemed like so long ago. Cipher stood with only one foot in the stream, trying to keep his prosthesis dry and his weapons within reach. In the moonlight, I could make out the broad line of his shoulders and the arrow of his back, the curve where his waist met his backside. He glanced over his shoulder at me, then winked when he caught me looking. Not knowing what else to do, I scowled back at him.
There was a boy once named Lucas who lived in my neighborhood. We’d fought as children–he was bigger than me, arrogant and bossy, always telling me what to do and laughing at me when I made a mistake, but around the time we were twelve, we were the only kids left besides my brother, so we became friends out of necessity. We fought a lot about petty things, like who should go first when we were playing a game or who had won at whatever competition we’d invented for ourselves. Then one day, after arguing over who’d finished first at an obstacle course (I had), he backed me up against a tree and rubbed his thigh against my crotch until I got hard. He held me there so that I couldn’t escape. I didn’t really understand what was happening, but I also knew that I didn’t want it to stop. He told me to keep going, so I rubbed against him until I came in my pants, my first time ever. Confused by my response and a little ashamed too, I finally met his eyes. Lucas had been watching me the whole time, and he said with a smug smile, “I knew you were gay.”
I had to ask my mom what it meant. She was very matter-of-fact about it, “it’s a boy who likes other boys.” Of course that led to many more questions, which she was patient in answering. We were religious, yes, but my mother always said there was no room for hate in our household.
It probably would’ve happened between us again, but Lucas died a couple weeks later, got appendicitis and didn’t make it to the hospital in time. I cried more than I had when my dad died. He was my only friend, even if we’d fought like crazy, and he was gone forever. He’d also triggered something inside of me, my sexual awakening, I guess. For months after, whenever I masturbated, I thought about that incident with Lucas and the tree, and I always felt a little sad about it afterward.
I didn’t know if I was gay but Cipher inspired the same sort of wild, desperate yearning that Lucas had, desire mixed with anger and frustration. I wanted to fight him as much as I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to trap him underneath me and rub against him until we both got off. I wanted to see him naked and touch him all over and have him touch me too. And I didn’t want that with any of the others. I only wanted him.
I turned back to the task at hand. Even with soap, my hands were still dirty, my fingernails caked with blood, so I used a clean part of my shirt to scrub them as much as I possibly could. I was suddenly so exhausted that I could barely keep my eyes open.
“Finish up,” Cipher said sharply, probably seeing the glazed look in my eyes. “I don’t want you catching hypothermia on top of everything else.”
I managed to redress myself with clumsy fingers. Cipher instructed me to grab my soiled clothes, saying we’d burn them in the fire, then scavenge for more along the way. Some things, like batteries and bullets, were hard to come by, but apparently clothing was not.
I zoned out during our walk back to the campsite. Cipher held my hand and guided me through the dark forest, making sure I didn’t stumble on any tree limbs or exposed roots. Back at camp, he wrapped the sleeping bag around my shoulders then fed the fire so that it was blazing and warm. He rubbed along my arms until I was no longer trembling, not even thinking of himself.
“Aren’t you cold?” I asked.
“I’m fine.”
