“Is this because I like to tie him up?” I ask, wondering if Efi might also be making some assumptions about our lifestyle.
“No, not that, unless you are tying him up to prevent him from leaving.”
I’m not sure if he is asking me this question, but I answer directly, “No, I am not.”
“Then you are surely taking advantage of his gracious and giving nature. It’s a tragedy when I think of him isolated like that, unable to express his brilliant ideas and philosophies, and I would have called you sooner, but I worried you might try to take away his phone.”
“I would not do that, Efi. Not in retaliation for you expressing your feelings to me.” I don’t bother explaining that Giovanni is currently restricted from using his phone or why. That’s Gio’s business to share if he so chooses.
“And while I have you, I think you should at least allow him to attend another seminar. There are several Socratics who’d like to meet him in person. He’s something of a mystery to us all.”
I come to the swift realization that there is no way for me to clear up this miscommunication without compromising Giovanni’s privacy, and it is not my job to correct Giovanni’s mistruths, so I say to Efi, “How about we have dinner tomorrow night? You, me, and Giovanni? Perhaps we can sort out this misunderstanding.”
“That would be fine,Signore, but I must warn you, I will be very frank.”
I smile at the young man’s asperity. “I welcome your candor.”
“Then, I look forward to hearing from you soon.”
I end the call with a deep sigh. I know why Gio did it, or I can at least assume it’s because it’s easier to blame me than admit to his new friends that he’s scared. Still, that doesn’t excuse his dishonesty, and this is not the virtue I wish for him to model with his peers.
The conversation with Efi weighs on my mind as I greet Leandro a few minutes later. We sit outside on the small piazza and share our burdens. Leandro tells me about a fall his father took last week, one that landed him in the hospital for a few days and now requires physical therapy. I ask him if there are funds enough to hire a live-in nurse, and Leandro admits that it might be time. I give him the contact information for the service we brought in toward the end of Valentin’s life. Giovanni handled most of Valentin’s feeding and bathing, while the nurses monitored his vitals and administered medication. They also gave Gio a break when needed.
“I was not a very good caretaker in the end,” I admit to Leandro, something I still feel remorse over. “When my brother was bedridden and could no longer speak, I would sit with him, but never for very long. It pained me to see what the disease did to him, but it shouldn’t have been about me. I should have been stronger. Gio was very committed. He endured.”
Leandro says with a gentle nod, “I sympathize with you, Silvio. Sometimes I feel as though my father is no longer there, that it’s a stranger inhabiting his body, and it scares me. Then he’ll come back so suddenly for a few minutes or a couple of hours, and I feel guilty for doubting that he was there all along.”
“Disease does funny things to the mind and body.” I am thinking now of Giovanni when he’s trapped in one of his episodes and impossible to reach. “There was an incident recently,” I say and explain to Leandro the bondage session that went wrong, along with Giovanni’s admission.
“He’s using suspension bondage as a way to connect with his deceased Master?” Leandro asks.
“Yes, and the crazy thing is, I believe it’s working. I have felt my brother’s presence, haunting me. Gio says I need to meet with him and make my peace.”
“Haunting is an interesting choice in words,” Leandro says. “It implies that the presence is unwelcome.”
“I was not very good at sharing Giovanni, and to be honest, neither was Valentin. It feels as though he is unwilling to let go, that he doesn’t trust me to take care of his boy.”
“Do you trust yourself, Silvio?” Leandro asks.
Do I?Sometimes, but not always. At times the path before me looks so clear and I know just how to handle Giovanni and myself. Other times, I am still groping blindly. “I don’t know,” I say at last. “I’m still relatively new to the lifestyle, still growing as a Dominant and adapting to Giovanni’s needs.”
“It was an unconventional relationship the three of you shared. Do you think Giovanni may be right? Do you have some resentment toward Valentin?”
“Perhaps. The way in which Gio found out was not ideal, and once he knew Valentin’s prognosis, Giovanni devoted himself to his care almost exclusively. Some part of me was jealous of that too, and I’m ashamed to have these feelings.” I bury my head in my hands. Leandro lays a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“It’s a lot to process. Perhaps allowing yourself to feel these emotions, however ugly they may be, is a start.”
I nod and swipe at my eyes. I prefer to cry in private, if at all. “Thank you for listening. There is more.” At this Leandro’s eyebrows quirk. I relay to him my most recent conversation with Efi, as well as the current restrictions already in place. “I need to punish him for his dishonesty, but I’m all out of ideas.”
“What have you done in the past?”
I explain to him my rope solution and the heartfelt conversation that resulted. “Giovanni hates being emotionally vulnerable or revealing anything he perceives as a weakness. He lies to get what he wants, or he lies to get out of a difficult conversation. His first instinct is to run, something he’s admitted to me. I must find a way to help him face his fears and choose honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable, even if it hurts.”
Leandro nods, sympathetic as always. “I may have a solution.”
I arrive home laterthat night to find Giovanni playing his cello while Anthony snores away on the couch. The song is melancholy, one that he used to play for his Master. Gio is crying quietly, not having noticed my arrival. I watch him for a few moments, feeling like an intruder in my own home.
“Sir, I thought you were coming home tomorrow,” he says when he sees me. He hurriedly wipes his eyes and sets aside his bow.
