“How was that?” I ask once we’ve finally parted and I’m slowly lowering him to the mats. He resembles a human sacrifice, helplessly laid open and offered up to the gods, only it is I who ravaged him.
“Fucking fantastic,” he says with the sort of listlessness he exhibits after sex.
I set to work untying him, then clean the semen from his stomach and grab a bottle of lightly scented oil to massage his muscles. Giovanni lies there sated, private in his pleasure and staring dopily back at me. Hums of contentment resonate from him as I rub him down. Eventually his awareness returns, and he says, “Can you tell me how you’d like for me to be more open, Sir? I want to better understand this virtue.”
“You are secretive, princess. Mysterious. You confound me even when you’re not trying. Your Sir needs small words and clear explanations. You must tell me what you want and how you feel. You must volunteer this information and give it freely whenever asked, not be like a stubborn, silent clam holding everything inside.”
“That will be… hard for me. My childhood was… not stable. I had to hide things from my mother to survive. And some of my behaviors, even with all of Master’s instruction, they’re not very flattering.”
He is referring to his self-harm and fits of temper.
“Admit your mistakes promptly. That was one of your Master’s rules, yes?”
“Yes.”
“We will keep that one. You can tell me anything, princess, including what the voices say to you. I don’t expect you to trust me with everything right away. I need to earn your confidence. But you must try to be open with me. Now tell me, what virtues do you have for your Sir?”
Giovanni drags one of my hands onto his chest and lays it atop his ribcage. “I need your strength. You may give me a long leash, but you have to yank me back when I go too far. I will test you, and I need to know there are lines I cannot cross. I need you to enforce those boundaries, firmly.”
This sounds a lot like punishment, of which I am wary, but I will figure out a way to accommodate him.
“Okay, what else?”
“There are times when I’m not mentally well or stable. I need you to be steady, a rock I can rely on to ground me when the voices get loud. An anchor when I’m being tossed around in a storm of bad thoughts.”
“Rock. Anchor. Steady. I can do that.”
“And I need you to pursue me, especially if I try to run away. To flee is my first reaction to fear and stress, but it gets me into trouble.”
That is certainly true. I think of Paolo, the weaselly cook in town who tried to get Giovanni high off heroin when he first learned of Valentin’s diagnosis. Whenever I see him on the streets, he looks the other way, as he should.
“Lucky for you, I love chasing after beautiful things,” I tell him.
“And I need to know that I’m wanted and desired.”
“Endlessly,caro.Obsessively,” I add and kiss his pretty mouth.
“I reserve the right to add more later when I’m not still buzzing from the afterglow of sex.”
“Certo.Very wise of you.”
Still holding onto my hand, he asks, “Is it only because of Master, that you chose me?”
“I chose you in spite of your Master, Gio. You know I don’t like to share. That was very hard for me, sending you back to him. Even now, I feel as though I’m standing in his shadow, trying to be who you need me to be. He left very big shoes to fill.”
“I wouldn’t want you to be any different, Sir. With you I feel safe and cherished. You make me laugh and you cuddle me when I’m sad. I love my Master, but I fell in love with you, something that’s never happened to me before. I’m still a little bewildered by it. And I’ve seen my competition. You’ve never seen me in a jealous rage, but I can promise you, it’s not pretty.”
I suspect he is the “slashing tires and setting things on fire” sort of jilted lover, which is not a theory I wish to test.
“So, I guess what I’m saying is, I’d like to know that you’re committed to taking me on, demons and all,” he says. “My only rule is that you don’t leave me for someone else. I don’t think I could recover from something like that. I’d rather die.”
I wish he were being dramatic, but I don’t think so.
“I’ll try my best not to hurt you, Gio, I promise. And if you or I are feeling jealous, we’ll express it to each other rather than jump to conclusions. That would be best, yes?” He nods. My next words come easily because they are from my heart. “You are very special to me, because with you I have the confidence to share the parts of myself I’ve never shown to anyone else. You allow me the freedom to be who I am, and you accept what I give you so beautifully.” I tap his chin. “And you look good on my boat.”
He smiles, then says with a haughty sniff, “I thought it was my ass.”
“Your ass is a sweet bonus.” He laughs at that, and I continue, “To review, I will be strong. I will be steady. I will pursue you to the ends of the earth, and my desire for you will be like an invisible rope bound inextricably around your heart.”
