My free hand forms into a fist. “You make me want to strangle you sometimes. How good of an actor do you think I am? Is my worship and adoration so easy to discount? Have I not spoiled you rotten and made you feel cherished at every turn?”
“You still haven’t collared me,” he says bitterly.
“I wanted you to have options, Giovanni. I didn’t want to feel as if I’d forced you into anything. Your grandfather always did that for me. Most Bosses, they demand your eternal loyalty in a blood oath that only ends in murder or prison, but your grandfather believed a man should determine his own destiny, and if the time came and a wise guy wanted out of the life, he let them go.”
“I never want you to let me go.”
“The point is, and what I have come to realize, is that I need you too. You’re my family now. You and my brother are all I’ve got. That’s it.” I take a puff from my cigar and blow out the smoke slowly. “I made an appointment with the jeweler to measure you for a collar. I wanted it custom-made. Gold. It was going to be your birthday present.”
He sets the mug on the ground and drops his head into his hands.
“I should have told you,” I continue. “I wanted it to be a surprise. The reason I brought up that talk about your future is because I didn’t want to take such a big step without getting your input, to see what your long-term plans were, and I realize now that I really fucked that up. I didn’t mean for it to sound like an ultimatum, but it did. I’m sorry for that. I should have been more transparent about my intentions. When I told you I’m only a man, it’s because you do idolize me, and I worry I won’t live up to your expectations or that I’ll fail you, either by dying on you or some other misadventure. This thing we have, it’s a risk for both of us. It makes me feel vulnerable, which is uncomfortable for me. As much as you fear losing me, I’m scared of that too because you are young and beautiful and can be damned charming when you want. I don’t want you to stay with me out of convenience or because you’re too scared to go anywhere else. And I don’t want you to feel trapped.”
That is a greater admission than I’ve made to any other man in my life, even my own brother or my beloved Don. Giovanni takes a moment to process all of this, then says, “I don’t feel trapped, I feel safe, for the first time in a long time. I love you and I need you and I don’t want to be without you. I worship you because you saved my life, and I don’t care what my reasons are. Whether I’m trying to replace my grandfather or because I have daddy issues, I don’t really give a fuck. The voices are quiet when you’re around. Being your submissive gives me focus and makes me feel good about myself. But I need you to be stronger. If you’re having doubts, don’t bring them to me. I can’t be the one to reassure you.”
I nod. “I realize that now.”
“And I meant every word I said. I need your voice to be the loudest, even louder than my own because I don’t trust myself. That’s what I need more than your love or gifts or even your kindness, I need your strength.”
It’s hard to hear from the boy who used to just want to be cuddled and loved. But he’s not that boy anymore, and his needs have changed. I can be honest and open with him, only to an extent. Any lack of confidence on my part will send him into a self-destructive spiral, and I cannot forget it, even for a minute. I vow then and there to rule him with an iron fist—discipline and authority above all else. Not because it’s my preference, but because that’s what he needs. That is how I will demonstrate my love for him.
“You have my word, Giovanni.”
“I feel dirty,”he says. It’s the afternoon and we’re changing to go down to the pool for a swim. He’s naked, not yet having donned his swimsuit. And he’s hiding himself from me like he’s ashamed. “What I did…”
“Let’s talk about it.” I motion to the bed. He sits and draws up one leg in a boyish posture I haven’t been able to accomplish in at least a decade.
“I shouldn’t have done it,” he continues. “I hated every second of it. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“You were desperate,” I tell him. “And you fell back on what you knew. You wanted an easy fix, so you sold yourself as currency, cheaply I might add.” I wait for this to sink in, for him to make the connection to his mother. Perhaps he already has.
“I’m disgusting.” He begins to claw at his skin, and I take his hands firmly in my own.
“You made a mistake. It doesn’t make you any less worthy, and it doesn’t make me love you any less. You sinned against yourself, and you sinned against me, but what was it you told me about that river?”
He blinks and recites it for me, “Everything is change; and you cannot step twice into the same river.”
“That’s right. It all flows downstream. And here we are, just you and me. I don’t want you to dwell on guilt or shame. That isn’t productive, and I have no use for it.”
He nods with a resolute look in his eyes. “Will you punish me… Master?”
“No, I will not punish you this time. Because I failed you, and that’s why you ran away. It was my fault, not yours. You were right. You told me from the beginning what you needed from me, and I didn’t listen. That’s on me, not you.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you and made you worry. You’re not going to start smoking again, are you?”
I smile at his concern. “Not as long as you stay here with me and make sure I don’t.” I nudge his foot with my foot. “Will you,schiavo?”
His smile is bashful, his cheeks pink. “Yes, Master.”
I stare at him a while longer. When he’s around, little else can capture my attention. “I love you, even when we disagree. I choose you, Giovanni. Not because of my debt to your grandfather, but because I believe we understand and accept each other, flaws and all. I am not an easy man to please and you do it exceptionally well.”
“I want to please you.”
“I know you do. Your devotion comes from a place of honesty and goodness.”
He holds out his arms like a child begging for a hug, and I beckon him over to settle atop my chest. I swipe the soft hair from his shoulders and stroke along his back. To think I could have lost him. And here I must confess that I would cage him to keep him safe, whether he sees the bars or not.
“Do you know how much I appreciate your gift of submission?” I ask, drawing my lips across his forehead.
