These are not the words I want to hear from him right now, not when I’m still so angry and volatile.
“I can’t do this with you right now.”
“Let me take you home, princess,” Sir implores. “Please?”
I allow it, but only because there is nowhere else for me to go.
I wakeup in the box where I went to bed last night after Sir escorted me home. My mouth is bitter with regret and the taste of sour tequila. If Sir said anything to Master about my slip, no one lets on. I make breakfast for the three of us and eat mine in the kitchen while they’re still asleep. I don’t bother to wake them but instead head directly to the pool to swim laps. When I come out, Master is standing at the edge of the pool, giving me his soul-deep stare.
“Do you need something?” I ask snottily. “I have a gig in an hour, and I need to go get ready.”
Master steps aside and holds out his hand as an invitation for me to pass. I don’t know what I want from him, but I know it’s not this. No one accompanies me to the gig, but I see Sir in the crowd, keeping an eye on me like a goddamned watchdog. I return home straight after and grab some food from the kitchen then take it to my box. Master, who’d been reading in his study, comes to my door, knocks once, then opens it.
“Are we going to talk about this?” he asks, a question not a demand.
“What’s there to talk about?”
“Do you have any questions?”
“How long have you known?”
“Two years.”
I nearly burst into tears. Two years already.
“What do the doctors say?” I suspect this is what his trips to Rome were all about. Another lie.
“I have, God willing, one more good year left.”
I want to sob and be held, but I sit there unmoving and stare at the floor. Master won’t come inside my box unless invited, and my pride won’t allow it. Eventually he leaves, and I continue to operate in a kind of fugue state.
“Giovanni, come to bed,” Master implores much later. Hours must have passed because it’s dark now. I glance up at him and he says, “Come to bed,tesoro, I sleep better with you there.”
Unfortunately, I do too.
Things are notright between Master and me. I’m so angry and so bitter that I can barely look at him. I stick to his rules and some of our routines, but I don’t offer my services and he doesn’t demand them. I don’t allow him to touch me either, though I sometimes wish he would. Similarly, Sir treads lightly and shoots me woeful looks, which I also ignore. On my way out the door to another gig in town, Master catches me by my elbow and says, “Have you so little respect for your Master that you cannot even offer me the courtesy of telling me where you’re going?”
I glare at him and spit with venom, “What Master?” then shake him off and continue on my way.
Well,thank God for Rebekah, the only person I can trust in a houseful of traitors and liars. Even Anthony, Master’s chauffeur and right-hand man, was keeping secrets. Apparently, he only snitches when it comes to me. I guess that’s the benefit of signing his paycheck. I spend a good portion of our session simply catching Rebekah up on everything that’s happened in the past week.
“That’s a lot to digest,” she says, for her and me both. “How are you feeling about it?”
“Bitter, angry, lost…” I miss my routines and the sense of accomplishment they bring me, but I cannot serve Master with the way I’m feeling.
“Your Master betrayed your trust.”
“And Sir too.” He’s not innocent.
“This is a lot for you to process, this breach in trust. Have you thought about leaving your arrangement altogether?”
That is the equivalent to having my heart ripped out of my chest and stomped on, even just to consider it. Despite this recent betrayal, my loyalty to Master remains steadfast. “I love my Master and I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t know how to not be mad at him either.”
“Have you spoken to him about it?”
“Not really,” I admit. “I’ve been too angry. I know Master is hurting, but it feels good to hurt him. Iwantto cause him pain. I’m not proud of it, but this is how I feel.”
“Your feelings are valid, Giovanni,” Rebekah says. “Your Master wounded you and betrayed your trust. You feel manipulated and taken advantage of. It is very much within your rights to want some sort of retribution. Tell me, what doyouwant?”
