“I guess that means I won,” I said.
Sabrina punched my arm, gently though. I knew what those fists could do, and she went easy on me. Then a thought occurred to me.
“What happened to the drugs?” I’d snorted a lot but definitely not the entire bag, if that was even possible.
“Seth hid them,” she said, and I had to wonder if he’d done it to protect me or to protect himself. Maybe he just didn’t want the drugs to go to waste. He was probably getting high with that twink right now, thinking,Whew, that was a close one. Almost lost my stash…
Then I felt bad for calling that kid a twink, even in my mind, because what I should be doing was warning him off Seth altogether, but I had my own skin to save. I couldn’t think about Seth right then. Or ever. It was over between us.Over, over over…I’d cast it like a spell until it came true.
“I really am sorry for putting you through this,” I told Sabrina. “I never meant for you to find me like that or have to deal with my parents.”
There was something else I was apologizing for too, that I’d exposed her to this darkness. I’d brought her into this circle, and I’d introduced her to Seth, which made me responsible.
“We put you through this,” Sabrina said. “All of us in the band are partly to blame for always choosing him over you.”
I nodded, feeling that familiar ache. Like a slow leak in a tire, my heart wasn’t shattered this time, just slowly losing air. By the end, it’d be a sad, dead ball in the playground. Discarded and left to rot.
“I chose him over me too,” I told her, “but I won’t anymore.”
She looked at me like she wanted to believe me.
I wanted to believe me too.
NOW
I arrange a sit-down with my family, including Sabrina and Dr. Denovo. Mai is there as well, having come home for my upcoming release so that we can spend a little time together before her fall semester starts up.
Dr. Denovo begins by saying I’ve come a long way since my arrival at New Vistas nearly twelve weeks ago, that he’s impressed by my willingness to share in both our one-on-ones and in group, and that I’ve made remarkable progress in understanding my addiction. I try not to cringe at that word.
Then he says I have some things I want to tell them, and he gives me a moment of silence to collect myself, even while my dad is burning holes into my skull with his intensely impatient glare, and my mom and sister appear about to cry. I focus on Sabrina instead. None of this will be news to her.
I begin by telling them how Seth and I met on the basketball courts, how I spent most afternoons in his garage getting to know him, how I skipped school a few times to be with him.
“We became…romantic,” I say as a way to explain the nature of our relationship.
My dad crosses his arms and turns toward the window. Mai comes over, sits beside me, and puts her arm around my shoulders. She’s probably the most familiar with the dynamics of our relationship. I don’t want to expose her as an accomplice by admitting what she knew, so I simply continue on by telling them that I found out Seth was cheating on me last spring and we broke up.
“I tried to stay away from him.”
“And then I left for school,” Mai says. We both know what she means. My safety net was gone.
“I should have been stronger.” I don’t want her feeling guilty.
“I should have been more accessible.”
I tell them how we got back together at the end of summer. By that time, Seth was into hard drugs, and soon after, I started experimenting as well.
“How could you hide all of this from us?” my mother asks with heartbreaking sincerity. “For months, Hiroku?”
I drag my hands down my face wishing I could hide or disappear or evaporate into mist rather than tell them any of this. I hid it because I wanted to keep up the appearance of the honorable son. I want to be that person still, but I can’t lie to them anymore. I need their help.
“I never worked at Sam’s Club,” I admit. “It was a way to get around my curfew.”
“But the money…” my dad says. “How did you afford that bike? Were you selling drugs too?” His voice escalates, as does his anger. My mother lays a hand on his arm.
I tell them I wasn’t dealing, but that Seth was making deposits into my bank account for my artistic consult on Petty Crime. My parents don’t believe me for a second. That’s when Sabrina, thinking she’s helping me, pitches in, “Hiroku filmed a video for us.”
“What video?” my dad asks like he’s just now being introduced to the son he never knew he had, which in a way, is accurate.
