“If I shoot this video, you have to promise me that we quit the drugs. It brings out the worst in both of us, and it’s not sustainable.”
“You’re right. After we shoot the video, we’ll quit together. It’s getting too expensive anyway. What’s next?”
I sighed. This seemed like I was asking for too much, but it was the undeniable wedge between us and the reason I couldn’t give him my heart fully. Besides, hadn’t I sacrificed enough to earn his fidelity?
“If you really want me to feel secure in our relationship, you’ll stop fucking around.” I didn’t believe he could honestly commit to that, so I added, “Or you’ll give me the freedom to do the same.”
Seth nodded as if he didn’t even need to consider it. “Done. The first one. Not the second.”
“You’re going to be monogamous?” I gave him a skeptical look.
He glanced up at me with his most earnest expression. “I could do it if it means making you happy, Hiroku.”
I rolled my eyes at his lovelorn words. “I’m not fucking around here, Seth. If you break any one of these terms, I am fucking done. Forever.”
Seth gestured with his hands. I flinched involuntarily, so he placed them in his lap and spoke very quietly. “I thought the drugs would bring us closer together, but it’s tearing us apart. And it’s not fair for me to expect something from you if I can’t offer it myself.”
What a relief it was to hear him say it—all these months I’d been wanting that kind of acknowledgment from him—but I couldn’t let my guard down, so I said nothing in response. Seth continued.
“I love you, Hiroku. I really do. You make me better in every way, and I want to be a better man, for you.”
I studied him, trying to determine if he was lying or not. But the thing with Seth was, he meant his promises. That didn’t mean he would keep them, but when he made them, he really intended to follow through.
“Words are just words, Seth. I want to see a real change.”
He grabbed my free hand and brought it to his lips, kissed my palm with tender reverence. “I swear to you I will treat you like the prince you are. Please give me one more chance.”
The cynic in me told me it was bound to fail, but if there was even the smallest possibility we might make it, I wanted to try. Didn’t I owe him that much?
“One more chance,” I said as though I could bind him to it with my words alone.
“I swear to you. I won’t let you down.”
So, we made a plan. Spring break was coming up, which meant I’d have some free time on my hands. I checked out virtually all of Hilliard’s videography equipment, including half a dozen cameras, lights, reflectors, and tripods. I’d asked Seth for half of the money up front, which he supplied by increasing his direct deposits into my account. That allowed me to buy a new laptop, some necessary editing software, and a digital camera of my own in case I needed to reshoot some scenes after my loan from Hilliard expired.
I had a vision in my mind, but I wasn’t brave enough to share it with Seth ahead of time. Only once I’d set up all of the equipment in his living room did I tell him what I wanted him to do.
“You want me to undress you? On camera?” Seth asked. “Isn’t that against some child pornography laws?”
“I’ll edit out shots of my face or any identifiers. Kyle already signed off as the model, and he’s eighteen.”
Seth’s eyebrows rose. “Are you trying to send me to jail, Hiroku?” He was only half-joking.
I gave him a look that said I didn’t appreciate his suspicion. “I’m pretty sure I have enough evidence to send you to jail already, Seth, if that’s what I really wanted.”
He nodded and seemed only a little bit bothered by that thought. “What if your dad sees it?”
I remembered Seth’s suggestion months ago of making a sex tape and sending it to my father. This came close enough to it, but my dad didn’t go looking for music videos by obscure rock bands, and it wasn’t like he’d ever taken an interest in my art before. “He won’t see it.”
“Fair enough.” Seth stepped over to where I stood on two strips of tape I’d attached to his floors, so I’d know where the cameras were angled. Seth stared at me and seemed to have misgivings.
“Maybe we should get high first,” he said.
“I thought you were an exhibitionist.”
“I mean, I like to perform to my music, but I don’t know about fucking you on camera.”
“We’re not going to fuck,” I said.
