“He doesn’t seem like he’d be good for you.”
I expected her to bring the conversation back to my homosexuality being “unacceptable” as my father had put it, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. “Why not?”
“He doesn’t seem…” She furrowed her brow and seemed to consider her words carefully. “He doesn’t seem very honest.”
In some ways, Seth was honest—about his feelings, desires and ambitions, but in other ways he wasn’t.
“Do you think I’m honest?” I asked my mom.
She gave me a soft smile. “I think you’re trying to be.”
I nodded. She’d conveyed so much to me in that simple statement.
“Yes, I am.”
I’d resolved things were going to be different this time around, and I stuck to my word. I didn’t answer Seth’s texts and calls immediately or drop everything I was doing to be with him. I kept up with my jiu-jitsu training and my weekly basketball pick-up games, even though Seth complained about them taking up too much of my time.
I put myself first, even though it felt strange at times. Even when Seth accused me of creating artificial distance between us. I told Seth I wasn’t going to be his number one groupie anymore, and he seemed more than a little hurt by it.
I’d laid out the rules of engagement for this new iteration of our relationship, but Seth wanted more.
He showed up early to my jiu-jitsu class one afternoon and paced along the perimeter of the mats while we worked on takedowns. Michael, my sparring partner, and I were practicing Tomoe-nage, which is a judo sacrifice throw where you place your foot against your opponent’s lower abdomen and use your own momentum to throw them back over your head. It was a pretty flashy move and also risky because if it went even a little bit wrong, then you were at the mercy of your opponent. Michael was having trouble with timing—you’re supposed to grab your opponent when they’re about to step forward. The challenge for him was that I had really good balance and center of gravity, so I wasn’t making it easy for him.
Our instructor Jeovanni stepped in to demonstrate the takedown on me. Jeovanni was a younger second cousin to the owner. He’d come from Brazil to help out in the studio, and he’d been my instructor since I started with the school at the beginning of summer.
Since I was older than their average student, Jeovanni spent a lot of time training me one-on-one or partnering me with people of a similar skill level, some of whom had been practicing longer.
I tried to outlast him, but Jeovanni had me on my back within fifteen seconds. As he was helping me up, he said, “Is that boy the reason you don’t call me?”
I thought it was funny he’d said boy, not man, even though his English was good enough that he knew the difference. It also supported my theory that it wasn’t just his language skills he wanted to practice with me, as he’d claimed.
“That’s my brother,” I said to mess with him. Also, I wouldn’t call Seth my boyfriend. Not anymore.
“He doesn’t look like your brother to me.” Jeovanni flashed his eyes at Seth, who was glaring at him with the same proprietary defiance.
Jeovanni gave some instruction to Michael, and Michael resumed his position. This time, I shifted my balance forward a little and let him take me down because I didn’t want him to look bad in front of Jeovanni. At the conclusion of our class, after I’d bowed and was granted permission to leave, Jeovanni pulled me aside.
“Don’t ever give up your advantage,” he said sternly. He must have noticed I’d let Michael overpower me. “Don’t make yourself less for anyone. It is your opponent who has to be more.” He glanced over at Seth who was now as close as he could possibly be without stepping onto the mat. Jeovanni smiled widely at him, showing off his beautiful white teeth. Only I knew it was his false customer service smile. Jeovanni patted my shoulder and said so that only I could hear, “Call me when you are ready for a real man.”
I hoped my flushed face could be passed off as the result of physical exertion. Even still, I avoided looking directly at Seth just to be safe.
“Who is that?” Seth asked instead of saying hello. His eyes burned holes into Jeovanni’s broad back.
“My jiu-jitsu instructor,” I said simply, knowing that wasn’t what Seth was asking me. “You’re here early.”
“Yeah.” Seth inspected me all over as if he could determine if Jeovanni had put his hands on me in anything other than a professional manner, which he hadn’t.
“I still need to shower.” We were meeting the band for dinner, and I was sweaty and wearing my gi.
“You can shower at my apartment,” Seth said, eyes still tracking Jeovanni, who had moved onto his next demonstration.
“It’ll only take a minute.”
“I’ll come with you then,” Seth said.
I shook my head, wondering why Seth wasn’t more embarrassed by his obvious insecurity. “Absolutely not.” I pointed to the row of chairs where parents sat while waiting for their kids. “Quit pacing and go sit down.”
I grabbed my stuff and headed for the gym’s locker. The locker room had stalls for showering, so it wasn’t some Caligula-type bathhouse Seth was imagining. Still, I could allow myself to daydream about what it might be like to have Jeovanni in the shower with me, washing me from behind, sliding his strong, capable hands up my ass and perhaps slipping a finger inside of me as if by accident. I palmed my stiffening cock and used some soap as a lubricant, rubbing off a quick one there in the shower. It was the first time I’d been aroused by the idea of anyone other than Seth touching me. It surprised me but was empowering at the same time.
