“I don’t know,” I said. Our conversation suddenly became much more serious. I didn’t want to mess with his head or play mind games, so I decided to be honest with him. “I’m trying to be your friend. I think that’s safer for now.”
“Safer how?” he asked with incredulity.
“Well, you’re not going to stop fucking around, and I’m not ready to get my heart broken again.”
“You’re too hung up on sex, Hiroku.”
I sighed, exasperated by his double standard. “What would you do if I got a boyfriend, Seth?”
His eyes narrowed to menacing slits. “I’d fucking kill him.” He scrutinized my face as if the secret was hidden there. “Are you seeing someone?”
“No,” I admitted. I had no interest in anyone but Seth, sadly. Not even my hot jiu-jitsu instructor who’d dropped me on my ass during our last class, then gave me his number afterward so that I could help him “practice his English.”
“Why can’t we be more than friends?” Seth asked.
“So, you can fuck me?”
“No,” he said like I’d offended his delicate sensibilities. “I just want this, in person. I want to sing you some of the new songs we’re working on. I want you to come see my new apartment. I want you hanging out during our rehearsals and see you in the audience at our shows.” He glanced away for a second before adding, “And I want to fuck you.”
I stared at my ceiling. My dick was instantly hard and extremely into that idea after so many weeks with only my clumsy-ass hand to occupy it.
“This is all I can offer you right now,” I told him. I’d come too far to go running back to him now.
He hissed through his teeth. “Fine. We have a show coming up at The Tomahawk. It’s the day before my birthday. It’d be really cool if you could make it. For old time’s sake.”
He was appealing to my sentimentality. Of course, I wanted to see Petty Crime play out at The Tomahawk—our big dream was finally being realized, and I didn’t want to miss it—but would I be strong enough to resist him?
I nodded without making any promises. “Congratulations on the gig. You guys are really making it.”
“We never would have gotten where we are without you,” he said earnestly.
He might be right, but I didn’t want to take too much of the credit. “You’ve earned your success. You should enjoy it.”
“I’d enjoy it more if you were here with me.”
He stared at me with his brooding bedroom eyes. I bit my lip to prevent myself from saying anything to encourage him. Then I acted like I needed to go do something super important, even though I’d just be lying there in my bad, replaying our sex highlights reel in my mind and torturing myself with what might have been, what could still be, if only…
A few things happened at the end of that summer in a collision of circumstance, which blew me off-course. A perfect storm.
Mai left for college at the beginning of August. We packed her steadfast Honda to the brim along with Dad’s Subaru. He followed her to Columbia like a dutiful footman and shepherded her into her new life. I wanted to go with them, but my mom had to work, and we didn’t want to leave her home alone and sad about Mai, so I put on a brave face as Mai, smiling and waving, drove away.
Mom and I did what we do best. We cried about Mai leaving, watched tele-novellas andThe Bachelorette,and ate junk food on the couch, getting crumbs everywhere. But that only lasted until my dad returned, and then it was back to the business of living.
I hadn’t expected Mai’s absence to affect me so deeply or for me to be so lonely without her, but I’d kind of glommed onto her that summer. I didn’t realize until she was gone how much I needed her shoulder to lean on. We spoke by phone, but it was always hectic and scattered. Her mind was in a million different places, and she needed to focus on organizing her new life, rather than being sucked back into her old one.
High school started back up, and I hung out with Sabrina at lunchtime again. We’d gotten together a couple of times over the summer, but we had to make the agreement that any subject involving Seth was off-limits, and since Petty Crime was taking up more and more of her time, it left us little to talk about.
During the first week of school, we caught up on our classes and our respective summer vacations. Sabrina had quit marching band to devote more time to rehearsing with Petty Crime. Seth was a bitch to be in a band with, she said, but he did make them better. Then she apologized for talking about him at all.
“It’s cool, Sabrina. I don’t want you to have to dance around the subject. You can discuss band business with me if you want.”
So, she confided in me that she’d kissed Jeannie one night at an after party when they were both drunk. Mitchell didn’t know, or if he did, he hadn’t said anything about it. I asked her if she thought Jeannie was a lesbian, and Sabrina said she hoped so. Weirdly enough, Mitchell was giving Sabrina rides from school to band practice every day. I saw them as I was walking home. Mitchell pulled up to the curb in his Malibu and offered me a ride as well.
“Thanks, but I’ll walk.” I hoped he wouldn’t take it personally. He nodded like he understood. Mitchell, for as little as he said, was pretty good at subtext.
I was on my deserted island, trying to fill my time with homework and extracurriculars, but academics had always come pretty easy to me, and I’d never been much of a joiner. Not only that, but I was feeling that end-of-summer itch to get out on the town and stretch my claws. I felt stronger emotionally and physically than I had in a while. I suppose you could say I was suffering from an abundance of confidence, so when Seth called the day before his birthday and asked me again to come to their show that night as a birthday present to him, I felt it was completely manageable to attend as a friend—and only a friend—of the band I’d helped create.
“I’ll give your name to the front door,” Seth said with delight in his voice. “You won’t have any trouble getting in.”
