“I know you’re mad at me. You have every right to be, but please don’t freeze me out like this. It’s…unbearable.” He dragged one hand through his thick hair. His eyes grew large and moist. Jesus, he was going to start crying.
“I wouldn’t want to put you through any more distress,” I said icily. Even in his apology, he was making it about himself.
“I’d rather you yell at me,” he said. “Fight me. Fucking punch me in the dick. Anything but this…this…void.”
I pushed back on my heels and leaned backward to escape him, as though I could swing myself right out of his life. I used to do that, swing as high as I could and then jump off, airborne for a thrilling two or three seconds before landing in a crouch in the dirt. Mai hated it.
But even a little bit of physical distance helped lessen his pull. Seth’s presence was drowning me. I wanted to hit him and hug him and fuck him. And I wanted this pain to be over. Taking him back would be the easiest way to end it, at least for now.
I came back down to a sitting position in front of him.
“I loved you,” I told him. “I trusted you. Whether or not it was stated explicitly, you let me believe we were in a monogamous, committed relationship. You threatened Sabrina with something to keep her from telling me about your cheating, which means you knew you were wrong—a real dick move, by the way. But I still found out. And now, instead of being truly sorry, you’re focusing again on your own feelings, proving to me that you really don’t give a shit about what I’m going through.” And here, I couldn’t stop the tears because I was overwhelmed with sadness over how much I loved him and wanted to be with him still. I wiped my eyes with the heels of my hands and commanded myself to get it together.
“So, here it is,” I continued. “My heart is broken. Youbrokeit. I’m so sad that I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Or eat. Or fucking take a shower… I trusted you to love me and protect me, and you failed. So, you and I are no longer together. You warned me before you weren’t boyfriend material, and you were right. Shame on me.”
I shuddered at the effort of getting all of that out. Seth dropped his head and stuffed his knuckles into his eye sockets. His shoulders shook. He was crying too. I’d said those things, knowing it would hurt him, but I still wanted to reach out and comfort him.
Instead, I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees and buried my forehead in my hands. Why did he have to do this? Destroy everything we’d created together? Why did he have to turn me into this cold, bitter, spiteful person?
“I love you, Hiroku,” Seth said in a choked voice. “I fucked up. I knew every time that I shouldn’t be doing it, but you have to believe that it meant nothing to me. It was just sex. I never talked to them afterward or dated them or bought them gifts or even gave them my phone number. I never wanted to hold them all night long or create music with them or have in-depth conversations or experience new things… I can’t even remember what they look like. All I ever see in my mind is you. I love you. You are the only person I want to be with, now and forever. You are so much more than a boyfriend to me, and I understand if you don’t want to be with me right now, but if I can’t have you in my life, even a little bit, then I just want to die.”
I cut a cold glare at him. “Don’t threaten suicide with me,” I said in a low, dangerous growl.
“I’m not,” he wailed and reached for my hand. My mind told me to pull back, but my fingers wanted to touch him so badly. He placed my palm against his wet cheek and then kissed the inside of my hand. I let him go as far as my wrist before withdrawing and tucking my hands safely between my knees. “You said you’d never leave me,” he moaned with misery.
I stared at my hands and said nothing. So many broken promises.
He cleared his throat and tried to straighten himself up a bit. “I know you’re mad at me right now. You have every right to be. I should have been honest with you, and I wasn’t. I was selfish. I’ve hurt you. Deeply. And that’s what I’m sorry for. Knowing I caused you this pain makes me hate myself.” He looked up at me, and I made the mistake of staring back at him. I believed he was sorry. I believed he missed me. I even believed he loved me. But it didn’t make my own pain go away. If anything, it made it harder.
“I just want you to know that any time you want to see me—for whatever reason—whether it’s friendship or sex or because you want to watch the band practice or hang out with Mitchell and Sabrina or fucking yell at me and tell me to go to hell. Whatever you want, however you want it, you can have it.”
What I wanted was to go back to how it was before, minus all the cheating, and if not that, I wanted him to promise he’d never do it again. And mean it.
But he wasn’t going to do that, and I didn’t think I could bear to go through that pain again, which meant there was nothing left to say.
I stood up to go. Seth followed suit. He swallowed, and I watched his Adam’s apple bobble up and down in his throat. I wanted him right then and there. Every day and in every way. He saw it too—my need—but pretended not to.
“Any time,” he repeated, getting misty-eyed again. He reached out as if to hug me, but I slowly backed away.
I didn’t say goodbye. That felt way too optimistic.
I held out for another three days. Every night I was restless and horny, clawing at my bed sheets like an animal in heat. After having a physical connection with someone nearly every day for almost a year, the separation from it was unbearable. I tried to get myself off, but it was like I didn’t know my own body anymore. I’d relied on Seth for so much sexual gratification that my dick felt cold and lifeless in my own hands.
Empty.
I snuck out without telling Mai. I wouldn’t be able to handle her disappointment in me. Seth’s front door was unlocked as if he was expecting me. The house was dark and silent, so I climbed the stairs to his room. Perhaps he was already out fucking someone else, I thought bitterly. He wasn’t though. He was sitting at the edge of his bed, in the dark, staring at nothing. And it looked as though he’d been doing it for a while. He looked so spaced out; it was almost like he was comatose. It scared me a little. I wondered if he was taking his meds—his prescribed ones—and if this was the result. His eyes lifted when he saw me, and a sad smile graced his face.
“You’re here,” he said like he’d been waiting for me all this time.
“No talking,” I told him while shucking off my clothes. Seth caught on quickly and did the same. He pulled me onto his lap, then flipped me onto my back, manhandled me into submission, letting me strain against him and release some of the anger and frustration I’d been keeping bottled up inside. I bit him and clawed at him and pushed him away, but he kept coming back for more. He gave me exactly what I needed without me having to ask him. It started out rough, but by the end, Seth was so tender and loving and in tune with my every moan and sigh that it made me believe what he said about the others not mattering to him. I wished so badly they didn’t matter to me either.
I cried a little when I came; it felt so good.
Afterward, I gave myself a few minutes to bask in the bittersweet afterglow. Then as the cold sobering regret set in, I dressed and headed for the door.
“I wish you’d never come to the bar that night,” Seth said softly. Haunted eyes and tousled hair and so much beautiful skin stretched tightly over his lean frame. Tragic and beautiful.
“I wish you’d never lied to me,” I told him.
