He breathed out a bullish sigh. “When I met you, you were such a try-hard. You were so…” He motioned loosely with his joint. “…repressed. You had so much personality and talent you were squandering by trying to fit into whatever box your parents had constructed for you. You were like veal, Hiroku, never being able to see the sunshine or feel the grass under your malformed little hooves.”
Veal, huh? I immediately regretted even bringing up the subject of Seth’s future. Let him figure it out for himself. This was what I got for trying to help him. I pushed myself off his mattress and made a grab for my underwear, which had been discarded on the floor along with the rest of our clothing.
“Don’t do that.” Seth grabbed my arm with his free hand. His strong fingers cut into the muscle of my bicep.
“Do what?” I asked, shaking him off me.
He set down his joint and pointed at me. “The moment I challenge you, you go into ice mode and freeze me out. You started this conversation, and now we’re going to finish it.” He grabbed my underwear out of my hand and threw it across the room. “Naked.”
I glared at him and sat down on the edge of the bed.
“Say it,” Seth commanded.
He was up on his knees now, pelvis jutting out aggressively, semi-hard and presenting almost defiantly, all sexual bravado and confidence and strength. I was no match for him, but he was right in that I had more to say.
“What about the drugs?” I asked.
His confidence flickered for just a moment, and I saw a flash of what might be interpreted as shame.
“Weed should be legal.”
I shook my head. “You know I’m not talking about weed or your meds or alcohol.”
“Well? What about them?” He wasn’t going to admit to anything.
“You seem to be getting high a lot more frequently.” At least with school, Seth knew he had to get up the next morning, so he would moderate his usage. Nowadays, I’d come over in the afternoons to find him still in bed, sleeping off last night’s debauchery or else he’d disappear into the bathroom for an extended amount of time. I knew what he was doing because a little while later he’d do the fluttery eye, permagrin thing that meant the drugs were kicking in. He always played dumb about it too, which, as a side note, pissed me the hell off.
“They help me reach a higher level,” Seth said.
“That’s bullshit.”
“How would you know?” Seth said viciously.
I narrowed my eyes at him. It came down to this, the line he drew between us—whether it was age or experience or drug use or who was more committed to their art. Seth fell back on these artificial divisions when he felt most threatened, even though it was the hurt that cut deepest.
“That’s right. Because I’m veal?” I said snidely. I’d already given up on this conversation anyway. “Look, the reason I’m bringing all of this up isn’t because I’m judging you or trying to act like your dad. It’s because I care about you, and I felt like I should say something or else I wouldn’t be being a good boyfriend. But if I’d known you were going to throw it all in my face, I never would have—”
“I’m sorry,” Seth whispered. I glanced up, not trusting my ears. His posture had shifted entirely—shoulders stooped, head hanging—and he appeared as a lost little boy, the one who got left behind by his mother when he was nine. “I’m sorry for being such a dick, Hiroku. I know you mean well. I’m not used to anyone giving a shit.”
He glanced up at me, and I saw the real Seth, the boy who was sensitive and kind and needed encouragement, love, and acceptance. Not rock star Seth or sex god Seth or whatever other persona he adapted to shield himself from the world.
“I really care about you, Seth.”
He nodded glumly. “I know you do.”
I opened my arms to him, and he crawled on his knees toward me. He draped himself over my lap, squeezing my waist with his inner thighs. Our kiss lasted forever, and my mind got lost in the almost psychic connection we shared, like threads crisscrossing into knots and being pulled tighter and tighter until there was no separation between us at all. He reached down between my legs and massaged my balls in a lazy motion, then squeezed my dick, which was always responsive to his touch. I ground against him until we were both sweaty and moaning.
We had sex again. Seth let me top him, which was a rare treat. He accepted me taking control without question and became uncharacteristically docile and compliant. All of the anger and passion I’d felt in our argument I channeled into our fucking. We were so loud and shameless, the bedframe jumped, and the walls shook. I hoped his mom wasn’t home to hear it. I rode him until we were both unraveled, all of our petty fights and mild irritations falling away as we climbed and peaked together. When we were finished, we collapsed, dizzy and panting, onto his bed. Seth hugged me tightly with one arm and grabbed the side of my head with his hand to draw me in closer. He whispered in my ear almost desperately, “I love you so much, Hiroku.”
It wasn’t the first time he’d said it, but it was the first time I truly believed it, all the way down to my marrow.
“I love you too, Seth.”
“Please, don’t ever leave me,” he begged.
“I won’t.”
“You promise?” he said with a sudden urgency.
