“It’s yourturn,” I heard him say in the background. “I am helpingyou.”
As we hung up, my phone beeped with a text. Colin.
Remember that field trip we had to take to the aquarium at the coast junior year? On that smelly bus? I spent the entire trip doing stuff for my early admissions and juggling the StuCo Fall Fling. I realized the other day I didn’t even remember any fish. Not one.
Below was a picture. Of a huge tank, thick with marine life. He was there?
I didn’t show up at camp today. It was the day of the big lake hike and everything. When they couldn’t find me, they called my parents, like I was eight again. My dad said he’s disappointed in me. I don’t think he’s ever said that before.
Beep.
Hey, remember your family beach trip, the crazy week with all the kids? I drove past the house we stayed in. We were trying to get all the StuCo retreat stuff done. Will and Piper were always trying to get us to walk to the pier, arguing it wasn’t so far and would be worth it.
Bing!A picture of a wide beach, dotted with umbrellas.
I made it. It did take a while, though. Felt great until I realized I have to walk it all again to get back to my car.Below this was a shot taken from beneath the pier. Water rushed through the pilings, the sun low in the sky in the distance.
Bing!This time it was Hannah. The first time I’d heard from her, I realized, since the day Colin had broken up with me. And yet again, he was the reason.
Finley, hey. Hope you are doing okay. I know this is weird to ask, considering everything. But has Colin gotten in touch with you? I heard he blew off his counseling job. And he’s been acting really not like himself. Call me?
I heard the door sound. When I looked over, Ben was in the hall, carrying his guitar. It seemed impossible this was the first time we’d been alone since the dock, when my phone had intruded. And now here I was, on it again.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.”
I slid it into my pocket. Too late, but still. From the porch, Liz was basically pleading for chairs. “So look,” I began. “I’m sorry about what happened. It’s just…”
He waited, did not fill in the blank. Not that he would.
“Colin,” I finished.
There’s being surprised, and then there’s being disappointed. The mix of the two is awful. Especially when it’s on the face of someone you care about.
“Colin?” he repeated. “Wow. That wasnotwhat I thought you were going to say.”
“He’s… struggling,” I added, quickly. “He quit his job. Is talking about deferring from school. I don’t know what’s going on.”
“Seems like you wouldn’t need to,” he observed. “Considering he dumped you and all.”
Okay, maybe I deserved that. “It’s not so easy,” I said. “Just stopping caring about someone.”
He looked at me. “Yeah. I know.”
So that’s where we were. Already. In some ways, it made sense. It’s easy to unravel anything if it was never tight to begin with.
And what was this, between us anyway? Some late nights, words said in the dark. He’d wanted more, had even risked saying so. I was the reason we were here. Or at least not where we could be.
“Look, I get it,” he said now. “You just broke up.”
“I know. But it wasn’t that simple even before that. There was a part of me, even then, curious who I’d be if we weren’t together. I even applied to my dream school, Pacchiana, in secret. Didn’t even tell him when I got in.”
“Wow,” he said. “That’s a pretty big thing to keep to yourself.”
This, too, felt like a blow. Cringeworthy honesty was basically what had brought us together, from that first day he’d given me a ride to the Egg. I never thought I would at any point long, wildly, to be awkward.
Bzzzz.I glanced up: A hummingbird was sailing over, heading to the cabin. So light, nimble. I felt an envy I couldn’t explain.
