“Yes,” Crawford answered for her.
“No,” she said at the same time, then sighed out loud, turning to face me. “Okay, fine. Maybe I’ve been reluctant to embrace you with Ben. But it’s only because I feel so awful about everything that happened.”
“She wasn’t working at the truck a couple of nights ago when you wanted to go bowling, either,” Crawford added from her other side. “She was just sitting around.”
Jilly whipped her head around to face him. “Will youstop?”
“Sure,” he said agreeably, turning a page as Bean, another bottle of sunscreen now in her grip, started over to his chair.
I swallowed, still taken aback by what I’d just heard. Finally I said, “I don’t get it. What do you feel so awful about that you don’t even want to hang out with me?”
“I don’t want to hang out with you andBen,” she corrected me.
“Is that different?”
“Yes,” she said emphatically, her entire body heaving with the word. She sat back again, putting her hands to her face, then dropped them. “Look, Louna. If I hadn’t opened my big mouth about Ethan, you’d be with Ambrose. I screwed everything up for you. If I go out with you and Ben, it’s like I think that’s okay.”
“I’msayingit’s okay,” I replied. “Also, you didn’t screw anything up for me. Ambrose and I were never meant to be anything other than friends.”
“See, I don’t believe that though,” she said.
“Well, I do.” I sat up, pulling my legs to my chest. “I’ve told you a million times, you didn’t do anything wrong by telling him about Ethan. You were just looking out for me.”
“And I did it by giving him information he then threw back at you, scaring you off, and now you’re with some other guy you barely even know.”
“You were with Michael Salem after one night at a party!”
“Because he’s my true love! You barely even talk about Ben except when you’re pressuring me to make it so you don’t have to be alone with him!”
“You guys are yelling,” Crawford said.
He was right. Jilly sat back, smoothing her suit. I cleared my throat. Another kid did a cannonball. Splash.
“Not every relationship,” I said slowly after a moment, “is the hot, heavy love story. Some of them are just, you know, more mellow.”
“Mellow,” she repeated. “That’s what all those Valentines and love songs are about, for sure.”
“Why do you care so much?” I demanded. “All you wanted was for me to be back out there. I’m out. I have a boyfriend.”
“You’ll notice,” she said, “that you did not include happy in that list.”
“Ben is a great guy.”
“Not the same thing.”
I exhaled, frustrated. “You understand that most of the time I was with Ambrose, he was driving me nuts, right? That we are total opposites?”
“What I understand,” she said quietly, “is what I saw with my own eyes. He might have made you crazy. But when youwere with him, there was a spark. It wasn’t ever just mellow.”
“Also we were completely wrong for each other,” I said. “That’s why it never would have worked out.”
“Maybe,” she said. “Or maybe not. And it’s that maybe that is killing me. Maybe I denied you what I have with Michael Salem. And sitting and watching you pretend you have it now with someone else... I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.”
“Come on,” I said now. “There was and is no chance for me and Ambrose. I haven’t even seen him since that night, and I’m with Ben now. I’m sure he’s moved on. You can, too. I promise.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll try,” she said. Then she sighed, loudly, as Bean crawled back over to her, pulling up on the side of her chair. “And I’ll go out with you and Ben, if that’s what you want.”
“It is,” I replied, thinking how simple and easy this sounded. Just as quickly, I thought of Ambrose that first day we met, his own honest response:I hate not getting what I want. I wasn’t what he wanted, though, not really. Just a fleeting thought for a moment, I was sure, despite what Jilly said. And I wanted mellow. Or, at least, I’d take it.
