“Don't be.” I reach out and take his hand in mine. “It's okay. I get it.”
Intellectually, instinctively, I do get it. I understand why Cross's wolf would be ecstatic to have something that smells like Genie. But I'm still jealous. Even after all this time and the self-imposed separation, I'm jealous.
“Let's go find a box,” I say, and drag him out of my room.
I wait until we're outside and walking down the path to the dining hall to bring up Middle Ground. I know he still won't want to participate, but I have to talk about something to keep me from stewing over the damn shirt. “Dylan says there's a prize for Middle Ground, not just money from the pools.”
He nods. “I heard. It seems kind of juvenile, but small things mean a lot when you're away from family and your pack, I guess. If I had the opportunity to get my mom here to cook for me, I'd probably do it.”
“Are you thinking about joining?”
“No. I wouldn't even if I could. Alphas shouldn't be allowed to compete.”
“Right. I just wanted to ask. It would be good to eat some real food, though.”
We walk a few more feet then he asks, “What would you ask for? If you won.”
I think about it for a while. I don't know what I'd ask for that wouldn't be considered excessive. I want Cross to get his shit figured out and fixed. I want to go home. I want real food, my mom's food. I want about four solid days of sleep. I want to run through the woods without feeling like I'm running from something. Nobody can give me any of those things. “Maybe I'd want a bonfire. Like the ones we have during the Summit. That might be good.”
“A bonfire?”
I nod. “Anything else I'd ask for is waiting for me at home.”
The kitchen staff didn't ask any questions when they gave Cross a food-grade plastic container big enough to hold my tainted shirt, which is good because I don't think there is a way to explain it that doesn't make the three of us sound like childish idiots. Cross has group meditation this afternoon. Genie has it with him. I don't know how it's going, he doesn't tell me everything and I don't ask. But Middle Ground is in a few days and people are talking about it. If Genie was at the gym this morning when they were discussing the new prize, then she's probably planning to participate. Cross might not care too much about that, but his wolf might have an opinion or two.
I usually walk with Cross until the path splits and I stop him before he heads off. “So, I think Genie is going to do Middle Ground.”
“Genie's going to do the fights?” he asks, incredulous. “Why? Who would she challenge?”
I don't tell him that she might be tempted to challenge any one of the women who have been throwing themselves at him, even though I think it's fairly obvious. “I don't know, but I thought you might like time to prepare yourself for it. That is if you intend to watch.”
He sighs. “I don't know if I'll be able to sit it out. If he thinks she's in danger...”
That's exactly why he should sit it out. “Maybe she won't go.”
He shakes his head. “She'll go. She'll go because she knows it'll get under my skin.”
Chapter Twenty-four
Genie
I never should have kept Parker's shirt. I should have given it back to him that night. The scent was gone, completely replaced by my own, when I left it on Parker's bed, but I can't sleep without it. Keeping it was a catastrophic mistake. The scent created a one-sided connection to both of them, a connection that I didn't intend to make and can't afford to keep, but it isn't going anywhere. The loss of it hurts and is going to haunt me.
Everything feels worse since I gave it back. I didn't expect that. Sunlight is harsh, birdsong is shrill, food is bland. I keep reminding myself that it was just a shirt and to pull myself together, but I don't think I can. Sadness is an unrelenting constant and it's growing stronger. My wolf keeps pushing forward to protect me from it and it's becoming more and more difficult to keep myself from succumbing to it. It would be so much easier if I could hide myself, and my heart, away inside of her. I'm so tired and it's so dark inside me right now that I think I'm actually going to talk to my assigned counselor about it, not that I think she'll be particularly helpful. All the advice I've been given since I've been here is to try to find a way to make it work with Drew, or else find an alpha to fill the space Drew abandoned.
Abandoned.
That's how I feel. I came here to try to fix myself and move forward, but I'm worse off now than I ever have been. I am alone and I feel alone. I feel abandoned because I have been. Drew's wolf said he tried to fight for me, but it's meaningless at this point. My wolf fought for him, she fought for Drew, and I listened. The fact that Drew has actively ignored his wolf is alarming and maybe the saddest thing I've ever realized. If I feel abandoned, I can't imagine how his wolf feels. What an awful place his spirit must be, he must be so torn inside.
Initially, I had no intentions of putting my name on the list for Middle Ground, but after the impromptu meeting in the gym this morning I've changed my mind. I want the prize. Yes, the prize I want is irrational and most definitely self-sabotage, but I still want it. I have an appointment with Alpha Tinsley this afternoon to discuss it, but I think if the wording and parameters are acceptable, it might be doable. Doable and agreeable are two completely different things, though. I can ask, but Drew doesn'thave to agree. I don't really expect him to, not really. But I'm miserable enough to try anyway.
I know at least a few of the women who have been fawning all over Drew will challenge me once they see my name on the list. Everyone knows the history and nobody really knows how to handle Drew and I being here at the same time but separately. There is a whole lot of pity going around, especially for me, but there's a fair bit of confusion as well. Nobody seems to understand why we won't just get together. Sometimes I don't either, if I'm really honest with myself, but then I remember how it felt to be so easily rejected and that clears things up pretty quickly. I can ignore the pity and I understand the confusion, but the jealousy for no reason and the catty posturing? Those require more patience than I possess.
Drew isn't rude to them, but he doesn't encourage it either. Parker is rude. He makes his opinion abundantly clear. The eye rolling. The sighing. The hair dishevelling. All of it. The women aren't deterred by it, though. I think his discomfort may even spur them on.
People are already talking about who they're going to bet on during Middle Ground. I'm sure there will be bets placed on me to win and lose. Female challenges always spark more attention than male challenges within the packs and it's no different here. People will place bets and I am going to take advantage of it. I'm going to involve my hiking buddy, Amie. I'm going to win. Period. Those women are after status. I am after sleep. Status is irrelevant in the presence of the type of exhaustion weighing on me. She's going to bet on me winning and we're going to send any money she wins to Walker's family. He's an ass, but I think he could be so much better if he got half a chance. It's not exactly ethical, but I don't really care about ethics right now.
***
