It won't work if he's rough with me. He might be my Alpha, but I'm not submissive to him unless he forces me to be. I'm not going to just bend over and move my figurative tail to the side so he can shove his cock in me at this point. I won't lift my literal tail for him when I've shifted, either. We've tried. I'm not any more inclined to submit to him like that in wolf form than I am in human form when it's like this. And that's exactly what makes this such a problem, because fuck do I want to. I wish I could just spread my legs for him and let him take what he needs, whenever he needs it, but I'm worn. I'll let him try, I'll keep letting him try, but if he hurts me again, intentional or not, I'm going to throw him off of me and start throwing punches.
Cross closes his eyes and takes a calming breath, softening his touch before he opens them again, blinking up at me with unevenly dilated pupils. Shit. He's going into it faster than he ever has before. If I can't relax and let him fuck me, it's going to be a fight. I really, really don't want to fight with him tonight. "Are you sure you don't want to find a girl? Tasha is always happy for us to call her over. I'll even just sit back and wa—"
"No," he growls, digging his fingers into my thigh hard enough to make me wince, then quickly stops to soothe the touch with his palm. "No. I want you. It feels better to touch you. I'll be easy, Parker. I won't hurt you. I'll never hurt you." Then he kisses the darkening mark above my hip.
And that's why we're trapped in this hellish limbo. Because he'd rather make himself miserable and borderline feral than hurt me. Sometimes I think he'd be so much happier if I had just let her have him back then. I'd be alone, but he'd be happy; and so much healthier. Physically, Cross is perfect; but his heart is breaking more and more as time goes by. He says he doesn't feel that way, but I can feel it. I can see the desperation, the longing in his eyes. I used to think it was only because we went againstwhat was expected of us and the weight of that choice. Now I think it's because he needs more than I'll ever be able to give him.
"Okay, Cross. Let's try. One last time."
He gives me another small smile and kisses lower on my hip. "I want to lick you," he says, licking his lips. "It helps."
I nod and lay back to let him take what he needs. It won't work for him if I don't give the impression of submission. We've learned so many things over the years that make things so much easier, and harder. If he's being aggressive, I have to give him as much submission as possible; especially if he's in rut. We both know it's not real, but it looks real and sometimes we can almost trick ourselves into believing it. Almost.
It's a little different if I'm the aggressor because he's an Alpha. He's my Alpha. And Alphas do not submit. But he wants me, and he needs me to need him. He wants me well taken care of, so he tries to give me the same thing he needs from me: submission. He's only slightly worse at it than I am.
Cross stays on his knees between my legs and bends over me to kiss and lick across my stomach, stopping just above my pubic bone. "You smell so good," he whispers, wrapping his fingers around the base of me, causing me to suck in a breath. Then he swipes his tongue across my swollen head and my back arches up off the mattress. He makes a sound of approval and does it again. "That good?"
"Yeah," I rasp, looking down my torso at him. He meets my eyes and draws me into his mouth, sucking and licking as I watch. “So good.”
He growls low in his throat, then sucks half of my length into his mouth. My hips jump and I sink my fingers into his hair to keep him from moving. He chuckles, the sound vibrating against my overly sensitive and borderline aching flesh, and I groan as my eyes roll shut. “Fuck, Cross.”
His tongue swirls and my fingers form a fist, gripping his hair at the root. I bend my knees, giving him room to settle between them as he sucks me deeper. I gasp as he swallows around my head, then pulls back, his fist dragging behind his mouth to jerk me off. “I love sucking your dick. Goddess, I love the taste of you, Parker.” He works a drop of precum from my tip and bends back over me to lick it off.
I let him take what he wants. If he wants to lick me until we're both panting and sweating with want, I won't stop him. It feels too good to stop. He licks and sucks as I groan his name, gasping again when he pulls off my cock and sucks my balls into his mouth. I thrust my hips, urging him to keep going.
Cross tucks his hands behind my knees and pushes them up, spreading me open. He looks down at me, taking in my swollen cock, tight, drawn-up balls, and exposed opening. Another growl rumbles through him, louder, more urgent, and his top lip lifts into a slight snarl.
“Cross.” I say his name softly, recognizing the signs of impending aggression. “Drew. Stay with me. I'm not going anywhere. Go slow. I'm here.”
His eyes darken as he looks down at my body, slowly moving up my stomach and across my chest. The growl grows louder the closer he gets to my neck, and I know we're about to have a problem. I'm losing him. I can submit to Cross. I can do it anytime, any day. He's my Alpha and I will submit to him. But it would be dangerous to do it right now. If I give him my neck right now, he will use it. He's done it before when he was lost to this type of rut. He would never intentionally, consciously hurt me; but knowing that won't make what he does when I give him my neck any more bearable.
“Drew,” I bark his name, alert flaring bright and red. “Come back to me.”
His snarl deepens, but his gaze flicks up to my eyes, sanity and sensibility flashing briefly before he looks back down at where I'm spread so nicely for him. “I won't hurt you, promise. I just need you.”
I know he does. I know it with every fiber of my being. But he's too far gone. I can feel it.
He brings his thumb to his mouth and wets it, then lowers it between my legs to slide against my hole. Any other time it would feel so good and I'd make the best, most deliciously submissive sounds for him; but right now I have to stop him. I'm not made to take a knot. Drew knows this, even when he's in rut he knows. But instinct is instinct and self-preservation is starting to take effect. “Stop. Drew. Stop.”
“I won't hurt you,” he says, his voice nearly lost in a deep growl.
I try to pull away from him, but the hand still on the back of my thigh tightens almost painfully and his thumb makes another, more firm pass. “Cross.”
“I need you,” he says, mesmerized by the sight of his thumb making slow circles around my opening.
“Alpha,” I say softly, almost whimpering. Sometimes that pulls him out of it. He can't stand the sound of me in pain or afraid. We learned that early on and I break it out if I have to.
“So warm,” he slurs, pressing the tip of his thumb inside.
It isn't that I don't want to fuck Cross. I always want to fuck Cross. However it needs to happen, I want it. But not when it's like this. Not when he could actually damage me. I don't know how much more self-loathing he has room for, and if he hurts me again because of this, I don't know if he can survive it.
He presses a little more and the slight burn tips the scale. I move my legs suddenly, unexpectedly kicking him square in the chest, throwing him off balance and causing him to land on his ass after he bounces off the foot of the bed. He stands up with aroar and I get to my feet beside the bed to wait for the inevitable. “Please, Drew. Please don't,” I plead, hoping to cut through the fog. “Stay with me.”
He shakes his head violently, and when he looks back at me deep, sorrowful clarity is there for a breath, then he turns and bolts from the room. He leaves the doors swinging on their hinges behind him as he runs from the house. I'm right behind him. We're both naked, but that won't matter. He'll shift soon, and so will I. Then I'll have to chase him down and drag him back after he runs this out of his system.
Every step brings more heat to my already deep resentment. For her. For myself. For the Goddess who is supposed to love us and bring us light and hope. What hope do I have now? Where is Drew's hope? What hope do we ever have of happiness if this is what our life together will be?
Any further thought is ripped from my head with the long howl that tears through the icy woods. It could take days to get him back. He'll be half frozen and starved. So will I. And the only people we'll have to thank for it is ourselves.
