And he humiliated me. He humiliated my pack. Parker did it again at the Summit. Now this latest embarrassment. It's too much. Drew Cross can go fuck himself, Goddess-blessed or not.
It's getting harder to shift back from my wolf form. It's like she knows I can't take much more. She and I both know that I might not survive another heat without a mate. Not with my sanity intact. Heats are horrible for her, too. We've tried it both ways. I can't bear for other males to come near me, much less touch me, because I know I have a mate. It was easier for her at first because she didn't care about mates or ceremonies and she was stronger than I was, but the strain has taken a toll on her and it's getting worse with each solo heat.
We need a mate. We need him soon. Before my next heat if possible, because I've already decided to retreat and hand over control to her permanently if Recovery doesn't work. Maybe I'll resurface again one day. I've told my father. He can't stop what's happening to me. He can still command me to shift back, but not for much longer. Recovery is my only option.
“There,” my mother says, smoothing a hand down my hair. “All tidy. What if you met with him, Genie? Just you and Drew. You could talk and come up with a solution without an audience.”
I sigh and meet her eyes in the mirror. “He won't come without Parker.”
“Make him. Make it a requirement.”
I laugh and it isn't pleasant. “I can't require him to do anything, Mom.”
“Yes, you can,” she says firmly. “You are his Luna. You can require many things of him.”
I shake my head slowly. “I'm not, though. He rejected me. I'm not his Luna. I don't understand. Is there something wrong with me? I did everything I was supposed to do. Everything. I stayed away from other males. I trained. I took my education so seriously that I barely have any friends. I did everything I was meant to do to be a good, desirable, proper mate for Drew Cross. And it was a waste.”
She wraps her arms around me and her warm scent forming a soft, protective cloud. “I know you did. This isn't your fault.”
“But I still have to pay for it.”
***
I leave before the sun rises. I don't pack much, just some clothes and a picture of my parents. I remember when the picture was taken, I took it myself. It was taken the day after my first successful voluntary shift. I remember the rush I was still riding from running with the pack for the first time. I remember how proud my parents were. I remember feeling my future stretching out so brightly in front of me. I remember the joy of that moment, and I need to keep the reminder close to me now more than ever.
Recovery is one part therapy and healing and one part strength training in the physical and metaphysical sense. The program is supposed to help those of us who have troubles of one kind or another with our wolves or any number of other issues. But mostly it's for our wolves. So that we can avoid being banished from our packs and becoming rogue. Which is why the program has the nicknameRogue to Recovery. I don't want to become a rogue, but Drew's rejection has cursed me with an uncertain future. I'll do whatever I can to fix this, including this program.
There is an intense focus on working through and healing whatever problem our human counterparts have that result in an unbalanced relationship with our wolves, or an unbalanced functionality. Some people get lost in their wolves when they are grieving, or if something truly horrific has happened to them. Their wolves will choose to step in to protect them, and the work is centered around helping the human become strong enough again so that the wolf can rest. Other people refuse to shift because their wolf is traumatized and it's their way of protecting the wolf. Still others are afraid of giving their wolf control. Maybe something happened when they were wolves that scared them, or they know their wolf is too violent to control. There are lots of reasons to go to Recovery.
Including mine.
Sometimes I can actually feel myself getting weaker. It scares me and then I shift because she's much stronger than I am. She knows I'm afraid. She only wants to protect me. But it won't take long before I'm too weak to take back control and she knows it. She also knows that more often than not, the only thing stopping me from losing myself in her completely is my duty to my pack. If I give in, my line dies out and then my pack will become weak. It will flounder in the face of having no leader.
A wolf can technically lead a pack without shifting, but navigating the human end of things is difficult, or impossible. Wolves can't negotiate treaties as well as they can enforce them. Wolves can't go to banks or schools or hospitals, not in any truly functional capacity. There are lots of things that wolves can do that humans can't, but for packs to run properly, both counterparts need to be available.
There are days when I'm running through the forest or hunting that I don't ever want to be human again. My human heart is weaker than my wolf's heart. Every time I shift, my reluctance to return to my human form makes it harder andharder to resurface. I'm too young to feel this heavy. I should have already claimed my place as Luna and joined mine and Drew's pack together by now. I would have at least one pup with probably more on the way. I would be living the life I was destined to live.
I don't know exactly what Drew's problem with me is. He didn't even look at me. Either time. I'm not vain about my looks, I never have been, but for him to not bother to put his eyes on me is insulting. Every time I think about it, I get angry all over again. Parker's eyes have been all over me. I wonder if he's described me to Drew? If he even asked for a description.
Parker Merritt wouldn't be so bad if he kept his mouth shut and his arrogance in check. I am the daughter of the Alpha of my pack, the least he could manage to do is respect my position. Maybe this is for the best after all, because I don't think I could spend the rest of my life going to war with him over Drew. He's such a judgmental, condescending, arrogant... I think it's probably best for all of us that Drew rejected me. I can feel the stress from having to deal with him every single day and it isn't even a reality that I'll have to deal with.
Recovery will be good for me. I know people who have been through the program. It's designed to handle the physical needs of our wolves while helping us work through our human issues. Everyone I know who has gone through Rogue to Recovery has come out of it better and stronger. That's what I need. Recovery will give me peace and help me find acceptance. I might even find a suitable mate there. That has happened frequently enough. I'll go and work hard. Once I have a healthy balance with my wolf again, I'll leave and do whatever I need to in order to take care of my pack.
I think my pack and Pack Cross have enjoyed the peace between us for long enough that neither side is going to be too quick to leap back into war. There will always be the typicaldiscrepancies, but nothing that a simple meeting won't solve. I will find a mate and we will do our best to work with Drew and Parker, or whoever Drew ends up with, to ensure that our people will remain safe and happy. It will work out. It has to.
*
There are only a handful of people gathered in the courtyard when I get there. My status allows me the choice of a single or a shared room. I choose the single. What I don't need is a stranger giving me their opinion on my life, and if I've learned anything about people, strangers or otherwise, that's what they do best. The beta running the registration desk gives me my registration paperwork and door code and sends me to find my room in the residential dorms.
This seems so stupid. Now that I'm here, I'm second guessing my decision to come. Maybe I don't need this program as much as I thought I did. This place reeks of regret and desperation, and I can't bear the thought that I might be either of those things. The situation with my wolf isn't as much of a problem as some of the people here seem to be having. All she and I need is to balance ourselves with the right Alpha and we'll be okay. Things might be stressed as far as the other packs go, especially Pack Cross, but that's what the Elders and council are for. Mates reject each other all the time and no one else gets involved. The only reason there's so much attention on this rejection is the treaties that were signed before either Drew or I even knew what treaties were.
My room isn't any different than any of the others I passed on the way here. The only difference is that there is one bed instead of two. I know that there are other residential areas for people with higher status, but those are reserved for those who need longer stays. I don't know how long I'll be here, but it won't be long enough to need a suite or apartment. I don't want to becomfortable here. I want to do what I need to do and get out. I'm barely going to unpack as it is.
After leaving my bag on the small dresser, I go back to the courtyard where more people have gathered. It still isn't a lot, but more than I thought there would be; and it makes me wonder how messed up some of these packs are that so many young wolves need Recovery. Surely this many of us aren't close to turning rogue at any given moment. Wouldn't the Elders and Alphas be more concerned if this many of us have become this unbalanced? They would act to fix things, wouldn't they? Like, as a whole instead of one wolf at a time going through Recovery when they feel cornered into doing it.
I look at every face I can among the people milling around in small clumps. Only a few look truly stressed. Most just look indifferent or resigned. I don't know how I look. I feel resigned more than anything, thoroughly disappointed, and more than a little irritated – all dusted with a thin layer of sad exhaustion. I didn't ask for this. It isn't fair that I should have to endure it. I did everything that was expected of me. There are probably a hefty few people in this courtyard who feel the same way. The unfairness is what's going to make this harder.
The crowd shifts at the same time the breeze picks up for half a second, but it's enough.
