My body feels numb.
I know I’m his best friend. I know most of his stories probably include the guys as well, even Brinley. Still, after what happened last night, it's reassuring to know that most of their conversations involved me.
“Well,” I shake out my hands, sitting up higher, “I tend to just leave you out of my stories. Even if you’re in them.”
“Haha.” He rolls his eyes. “Honestly, though, I really think you’d like Becca. I also feel like she’d fit right into the group.”
“You sure you don’t like her?” I raise an eyebrow, and he shakes his head.
“I told you, she’s cool.”
I turn toward the TV because I honestly don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what I’m looking for from him. I don’t know what I want him to say.
I don’t expect him to turn toward me and say,'Of course, I don’t want her; I want you,'but I know that won’t happen.
“You know what’s crazy?” he asks.
“Hmm?” My eyes stay on the TV even though the only thing that’s on it is the rolling credits.
“I realized last night that you and I are always in relationships at the same time. Isn’t that weird?”
I guess I’ve never thought about it. I’ve only really been in two relationships, and I feel like Fletcher’s been in more than that. However, in high school, whenever Fletcher was with a girl, I would typically block it out. It was a little harder for me then. That was at the height of my feelings for him.
“That’s not true. You’ve dated like thirty girls.”
“Okay, first of all,” he twists his body toward me completely, “I’ve been in two serious relationships. Second of all… okay, I don’t have a second of all but—”
“Two relationships?” I scoff. “There was Maddie, Phoebe, Ester, Kendall—”
“You’re making me sound like Zeke,” he argues. “I’m talking aboutrealrelationships, Tate. I’m not saying I’ve only kissed two girls; if we’re listing girls I’ve kissed, your name should be on that list.”
I feel a fire shoot straight to the tips of my ears, and my chest shrinks, squeezing all the air out of my lungs.
We don’t really talk about that night. Not since the day after it happened. The only time it comes up is when the guys, or sometimes the girls, are giving us shit about it.
“Fine, who do you count as yourrealrelationships then?”
“I dated Ester from sophomore year to junior year, and then I dated Maddie during our freshman year of college. Sure, I’ve kissed other girls, but those were like one-time things at parties.”
Just like our kiss.
Our only kiss.
“They didn’t mean anything. And it’s not like they were hookups. It was a kiss.”
I don’t think he means to do it, lump our kiss in with what he’s saying right now, and it shouldn’t hurt the way it does… it was years ago. I’ve kissed other guys since then. I’ve dated since then.
But that kiss was never just a kiss to me, and it never will be.
“And you were dating Lucas at the same time I was with Ester.”
Lucas— my first official boyfriend. And a guy I only dated because Fletcher was too busy with Ester to even care about me at that point. He didn’t mean to ice me out, but with his hockey schedule and a new relationship, it was hard for him not to.
It didn’t take Lucas long to catch on to that.
He didn’t seem to care, though, because after that, he started dating Casey Hill, who was the exact opposite of me in every way. She was the daughter my parents wished I were.
And even though I was never fully into Lucas in that way, it still hurt when he started dating her right after we broke up.
