I didn’t think that’d be possible because the aches aren’t physically there, but it takes each nerve in my body and erases the pain that settled in last night.
My head drops, the water running down the back of my head and hitting the shower floor.
I’ve been numb since last night.
I think deep down, I was waiting for it. Tate was always able to see right through me, and even though this fucking sucks, I don’t think she was wrong to end it.
But it doesn’t matter if it was wrong or right becauseright now,it hurts.
And in order to heal—
I have to let it.
forty-eight
Tate
Iknew it would hurt. That was why I had put it off for so long, and honestly, I would have put it off longer if I had never seen the way he looked at Theo. But I never imagined it would hurt this badly.
I think the pain is from the fear of wondering if I did the right thing. Wondering if we’ll be able to grow and move past this. If we can be friends like we were.
I know the answer’s probably no.
If he broke up with me for the same reason, I would understand, but it would still take time to heal. And I have to respect that Fletcher will need that.
I knew we were over before he did, or maybe he realized it at the same time I did, but wasn’t ready to admit it.
I knew it would suck, but what really fucking sucks is the fact that neither of us fell out of love with each other.
It’sbecauseI love him that I had to leave him.
I remember when Naomi and her first real boyfriend broke up. I remember when my mom asked her about it, and she said they just grew apart; before she knew it, the love she once felt for him was gone.
She fell out of love with him.
And I remember thinking that would be the worst thing in the world—
Falling out of love with someone.
How could I be sure that I wouldn’t fall out of love with my person?
How could I be sure they wouldn’t fall out of love with me?
But last night, I think I found something worse.
Breaking up with someone because you’re so stupidly in love with them that you want them to have everything they ever dreamed of.
Even if that means watching those dreams come true from the sidelines.
And because of all of this, I haven’t left my bed.
It’s easier to sit here and pretend than get up and face reality.
My phone buzzes on my nightstand; I snatch it off the corner and see an unknown number across the top of the screen.
Only this number isn’t unknown.
It’s the same stupid number that’s called me at least four times a day for the past three weeks.
