When we pulled up in front of the doors, I looked over at the building with a deep breath and tears behind my eyes. My fucking brother. He was in there. At the front of the church, on display. No blood in his veins. No life in his body. Just… dead. I swallowed, crossed my arms and ran my hands over my goosebump covered skin.
“You ready, boo?” Lake asked.
I wished she would stop asking if I was ready for shit. No, no I was not ready. I didn’t want to see him like that again. You know… dead. The last time I saw him was in the hospitals morgue, when I had to identify him. That shit tore me up. The air in the room was cold and still, with the stench of death heavy in it. Standing at the table, looking down at my brother… shit tore me up. I cried the whole Uber ride back to The Woods. It was so hard for me that I didn’t even go to the wake yesterday. I couldn’t skip out on this one though.
I grabbed the black onyx crystal dangling from my neck and stroked it to calm my nerves. I didn’t need protection here. I only wore it because it was the crystal Meech had on him when he died. I didn’t think I’d wear anything but it going forward.
“Come on, boo,” said Alani, grabbing my hand.
I swallowed and looked at her, then to my other three cousins. The car we were in was a limo, so it fit me, my cousins, and both of my aunties. Desiree and the kids rode in the Lincoln behind us. In that moment, I was happy to have gone for the limo. At first, I was going to get two Lincoln’s, but in the middle of selecting, Lake told me to get something for all of us. Sometimes I felt very alone but then I’d look around and see them.
I took a deep breath and followed the family out of the car. Once my feet hit the pavement, a cool breeze swept across my face, forcing me to place a piece of hair behind my ear. I looked up to the sky. It was clear. Clear and sunny. Above me flew a family of birds. I didn’t know how long I was standing there, looking at the sky before Lake and Alani interlocked their arms with mine and started towards the church. There were people around me. Outside of the church. As we made our way through the crowds, like the people back home, they sent head nods, spoke, offered condolences and stuff. Again, I said nothing.
I could barely hear them anyway. Their voices sounded muffled. My mind was lightyears away from what was in front of me. My thoughts were on what I was getting ready to take in. The lump in my throat grew bigger the closer we got to the church doors. My face was drenched with tears by the time we got there.
Auntie Charlene reached forward and opened the door. Upon opening it, we were greeted by two men who handed us funeral programs. The sound of the church organ greeted us too. Once we made it pass the entry point of the church, we took a turn and headed up a grand, carpeted staircase. Each step I took felt harder than the last one. So much so that when we got to the double doors at the top of the stairs, I paused. Hanging my head, I let out a deep sigh, watching the floor as tears fell onto it.
“Take your time, baby,” said Auntie Danielle, rubbing me on the back.
I glanced up at the doors, tempted to stand on my tiptoes to get a glimpse of what was inside through the small window. I wasn’t prepared for this. I wasn’t prepared at all.
Again, I stroked the crystal. This time, closing my eyes, asking God to give me strength. In addition to my family being by my side, I needed Him, my angels, and the ancestors too. I needed the whole damn squad. I asked Him to guide my feet, to ease my aching, racing heart, and to settle my spirit. I let out a deep breath and said a silent Amen.
Domonique opened the door and I gasped at the sight of the black casket sitting in the front of the church in the middle of two massive floral arrangements. At the head of the church stood two men too. Because I didn’t go to church, I wasn’t sure who they were. Maybe ushers?
“You don’t have to go up to the casket if you don’t want to, cuz,” whispered Alani, gripping my arm tighter, noticing how hesitant I was.
“I have to,” I mumbled.
I did have to. I had to see my brother one last time. I had to see him for the first time ever, in a suit. I huffed, smiling to myself a little. If it were up to him, he’d wear street clothes and a fucking shiesty to his funeral. My brother didn’t even wear a suit to mama’s funeral. He was in all black, with his locs in his face instead of the shiesty. Only because they weren’t a thing back then.
With a deep breath, I continued towards the casket. From where I was, I could only make out his side profile and from what I could see, they did good with him. Put me in the mind-frame of seeing him on the couch, knocked out.
“Take your time, baby. Take your time,” whispered Auntie Danielle again.
Like before, my hand went to my crystal. The church organs grew louder. Screamed at me. Practically begging me to break down. Which I did. As soon as I made it to the casket and looked down at what I could easily call my heart in human form, I broke. My brother. My one and only. It was just the two of us… now look. I never told him but losing him was one of my biggest fears. I put on a tough, positive face every time he left the house because that’s what I felt like he needed. But shit… that didn’t matter. I lost my nigga anyway.
“Hold her up,” said Auntie Charlene to Lake and Alani when my legs grew weak and started to wobble.
“We are,” yelled Alani. She sniffled, tears falling from her eyes too. “This is hard for us too, shit. My fuckin cousin bro…”
My face was drenched with tears. The little bit of makeup I put on this morning was pointless. I didn’t know why I’d gone through the trouble anyway. Somehow I convinced myself that if I looked good, I would feel good.
I don’t know how long I stood there before I finally sat down. On the first pew, a couple of feet away from his casket. I stared at him. Wishing he’d get up. Wishing it all was a dream. I didn’tknow what I was going to do without my brother. He was more than my heart in human form. He was my confidant. Someone I always turned to. The realest nigga I’d ever known. Sitting in reality, looking at him just… lay there, motionless… lifeless… it really fucked me up.
After about twenty minutes, people started to pile into the church. I was in a daze. Quiet. So many people walked up to me, offering condolences, giving hugs I didn’t return. My attention was fixed on my big brother. When people walked up to the casket to view him, or up to me, I got antsy and tried to look around them. I just… I didn’t want to take my eyes off of him. Felt like it was because I knew that after today I’d never see him again.
“Oh my fuckin’ God,” mumbled Alani, sitting next to me, looking over her shoulder, getting Lake’s attention.
She instantly jumped up. I didn’t react. I kept my eyes on my brother. That was until he blocked my view and glanced over at me. My mother’s killer. Demetrius Sr.
An unhealthy amount of anger hit me, as I watched him lean over Meech’s casket, looking down at him. Behind him stood two police officers, close but far enough to give him respect. He was bigger than I remembered. In height and in build. Cockier, like he hadn’t missed a day of lifting. His locs were a lot longer than it was when he went in. Unkept, pulled back in a thick ponytail. Changes that happened due to the years passing.
I felt a hand glide across my back. Could have been either one of my cousins. Might’ve been one of my aunties. Probably Charlene. I didn’t know. I was frozen. Too frozen to look over my shoulder. Too frozen to move. The only thing I did do was cry. The tears, they fell on they own, my bodies response to not only grief but shock and that seething anger too.
What the fuck was he doing here? I thought… Auntie Danielle was talking about a virtual viewing. What the fuck wasthis? Why did they let him come? How did he even know where the funeral was? She ran her fucking mouth. He… he didn’t deserve to be here. I was crushed. Meech hated our daddy. More than I did. He wouldn’t want him here. I looked away from Demetrius Sr. And looked up. I’m so sorry brother. I’m so sorry.
Sucking in a gust of air, my shoulders shook as I started to break down. The hand on my back went to my shoulders, where they massaged me. I jerked away from their touch and jumped up from the pew. Before I could walk over to him, the police officers blocked my path.
