He looked towards the cliff, slowly slipping his hand from her face. “I do. I’ve always known what the embers meant, and once Kronos was gone, I understood what would happen if I wasn’t here to carry them. That doesn’t mean there weren’t a few times I considered…not caring.”
Her eyes widened. “Morgen,” she whispered when she realized what he was insinuating.
“So, if you’re feeling selfish right now, imagine how I felt when Imeria or Carus, or even Varax, had to pullmeaway from some cliff edge, or even from the bottom of some creek bed. Highly unpleasant, not to mention demoralizing, especially when your body pretty much refuses to die no matter what you do.” His lips twitched in a sad smile. “But alas, the world needs me, even if it has never loved me.”
She almost said the words, but whereas before, when she’d hated and feared what she felt for him, now, her love just felt selfish, a chain he would never be able to detach himself from. Perhaps never saying it aloud would at least make the shackles of their connection less heavy.
“Thanatos and Vulcan suggested drugging me.” She laughed, the sound a little hysterical. “I have no idea with what, or if it would even make a difference. Maybe I should take them up on it. I’m sure whatever they have growing in Arcadia is stronger than gardroot.”
Morgen frowned, his nostrils flaring. “Did they happen to mention how long they planned to keep you drugged?”
She had the distinct feeling the question was more rhetorical, because he already knew the answer as well as she did. Even still, she muttered, “Probably forever.”
She laughed again, tipping her head back to stare at the dawn-hued sky. She was vaguely aware she was unraveling a bit, especially when she rambled on, “Do you think they’d wake me up so I could pop out a few heirs for you? Or do you think they would enlist someone else? I bet Imeria is interested, which is probably for the best, given my magic. I’m sure they don’t want a repeat problem.”
When he didn’t respond, she lowered her gaze from above and found Morgen staring at her with something akin to horror on his face.
“What?” she whispered. “All the principals need heirs. It’s not that far-fetched to think they’d go to horrible lengths to get one.”
His throat worked, the scar pulling taut against his worryingly pale skin. “They can kill me and find a new king if they want that. I amneverfathering children.”
She blinked a few times, taken aback. Someone else might automatically assume he meant children with her specifically, but she knew enough about him that it took all of a few seconds for her to understand why he felt the way he did.
His mother. All the women before and after her who had died because Kronos had impregnated them and their bodies could not withstand the embers the unborn child within them held. He thought that would happen if he… Toher.
“Does it work like that?” she asked quietly. “Since you’re only a demi-god?”
“I’m not finding out.” He took a ragged breath. “All those women he brought into the palace wasted away within weeks,and they died writhing in pain and begging. And heenjoyedit, just like he loved telling me how he had to chain my mother up to keep her from trying to cut me out of her belly because she knew what would happen to her if I was born.”
His eyes were so dull, he looked nearly mortal for a moment, until a tear slid down his cheek, clearly imbued with silver ether. Clearing his throat, he swiped it away quickly.
“I would never risk that. Not with anyone, and especially not with you.”
They both fell quiet, the roaring of the waterfall below a constant in the background as dawn bled into morning. Now that it wasn’t dark, she could see the wide expanse of the lush field she had trudged through, dotted with wildflowers and long grasses. Birds called to each other in the forest Carus had walked into, a mix of pine and spindly trees with trunks of peeling white bark.
Life.
Morgen was right. Having children would be a mistake, especially knowing what kind of magic she could pass on. Still, some long-buried part of her quietly mourned the death of the idea. It would be a lie to say she had never glanced over at him during those hazy afternoons in Mise and wondered if their children would have his eyes or hers, or if they would be tall or short. Not that it mattered anymore.
Nothing mattered, except finding a way to break their connection and save him and everyone else.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he said.
She was sure he did, and not even because her thoughts had been ferried down the pathway. He knew her toowell.
“Even if we managed to find a way to break the blood binding—which, by the way, is impossible—it wouldn’t change anything.”
“I could ask the principals,” she pushed. “There might be a way. Maybe Thanatos knows?—”
“Nya.” His eyes were wide and intent. “It wouldn’t change anything.”
She had the distinct feeling he wanted her to know what he meant without him saying it.
Think about it.
She bit her lip, and his eyes briefly dropped to her mouth.I don’t understand.
Varax chose me as her rider, but she never actively chose you. She just accepted you, remember? I pulled you from the waterfall, and she didn’t even need to look at you.
