I backed away from the demon curled on the floor. The desire to run, to hide, overwhelmed me, but all I remember asking Thrane on our way up the steps was, "Is that all you need from me?"
Thrane nodded slowly but before I could circumvent him and dash down the hall before Shaye and Nyx could catch up, he snatched my arm. "If you continue to starve your magic, one day you won't be able to stop." His eyes were fixed on mine, unrelenting, unyielding. "I will not mention what happened hereto anyone else, but we will need to talk when we reconvene in Tronovia."
I ripped my arm from him. "There's nothing to talk about. I have everything under control."
"Do you?" He spat as my pace quickened. "Because from the looks of it, Finn Harland, your magic is going to kill you."
His words weigh heavily on me. Even from the ship I can hear his voice echo in my head. I despise he's right. The incident in the Sol Room made it harder than ever to come out of the hold. If I don't learn to control myself, Thrane might have a valid point. It might just destroy me. Or worse, turn me into the very version of myself I've been running from.
"Finn?" Eris' sweet voice brings me back to reality, back to the present. "Is everything all right?"
I toss a look at her over my shoulder and smile. The moonlight brightens her face perfectly and Stars above, I'm blessed to be in her presence.
"Just needed some fresh air," I say, and thankfully, this time it's not a lie.
She tugs her sweater tighter across her chest. "It's chilly tonight."
I slip my coat off. "Here. Take my jacket."
"Oh, no, it's ok – "
"I insist." I extend it to her, not willing to take no for an answer tonight.
"Won't you be cold?"
"I'm a bit warm," I drape my coat over her shoulders. "I promise I'm fine." I double-down when she flashes a disbelieving look my way.
"Tell me the moment you get cold and I'll give it back."
Memories of when Eris first arrived in Tronovia flood me. She didn't have clothing of her own, so I let her borrow mine. Everything was always gigantic on her. My shirts and jacketshung just above her knees, and she was practically swimming in my trousers. But she always had a genuine smile that made my heart flutter. The same smile she flashes my way now.
The urge to wrap my arms around her torments me. I should tell her how I feel about her. If she feels the same, maybe I can finally experience the joy I've craved so desperately since the moment we met.
I swallow hard and clear my throat. "Eris?"
"Yes, Finn?" She stares up at me with innocent expectation.
It's then the realization hits me. I don't deserve her. Even if by some small chance she happens to reciprocate my feelings, I'm not worthy to call her mine.
"Finn?" Her blue eyes search mine. "Is something wrong?"
That's just the thing. Everything is wrong. But like I've been doing for a while now, I lie. "I think I'm going to turn in for the night."
"Oh." Disappoint flares in her face and it's akin to a stab in my chest. She shrugs my coat off her shoulders. "Well, here's your – "
"Keep it." I slip it back on her and button the front. "It looks better on you anyway. Goodnight, Eris."
Without giving her a chance to say a word, I retreat down the steps to my quarters and lock myself inside. I plop on my mattress and bury my face in my hands. I'm a monster. Thrane might be right – one day my magic might consume me.
Twelve
Shaye
Once the sun sets a cold unlike anything I've experienced before whips through our camp. Bundled up and huddled around the fire my mother and Kamari started, we eat our stew in silence.
Kamari's food is decent but definitely not what I've grown accustomed to living with Finn. Even when we traveled to Elowen, we'd devour amazing meals around the fire and afterwards swap scary stories and drink coffee to warm up. I really wish Ronan was here with one of his ghost tales to lighten the mood because with my Basilius kin, we don't laugh throughout the evening. Mealtime isn't a social experience so much as nourishment out of necessity. We have to keep our strength up and certainly have to keep warm.
I shift atop my blanket to get comfortable. My ass is frozen and I'm not sure how I'm going to sleep out here in these conditions.
