I keep hoping maybe when I blink, the screen will reset.
It doesn’t.
My mind keeps playing every possible scene in my head. My stepsisters finding out, my stepmom’s horror, the professors glancing at my stomach and knowing, people whispering behindmy back. But the worst picture of all is Ben. Those dark eyes, the way they look at me like I’m worth something, a little half smile that makes me want to risk everything.
What would he do if he knew? Would he go cold, would he pull back, would he look at me and see nothing but someone else’s mistake?
Of course he would. Why would he want to raise someone else’s kid? Why would anyone?
All this time, I was stupid enough to hope that maybe, just maybe…Ben would want me. The real me, baggage and all. I thought I could hold on to that hope, that he wouldn’t figure out how broken I am.
But this? This is next-level fucked up.
Tears keep coming until they don’t.
I could end it. That would be the smart thing, the practical thing. Nobody ever has to know. One appointment, one lie, and my life goes back to normal.
But the thought sends a spike of nausea through me, way worse than before. I can’t. I can't even picture it. Even after all of five minutes, the idea of giving up whatever is growing in me…my baby…hurts in a way I can’t put words to.
My hand moves, protecting my stomach. See, I'm already trying to shield it from the entire world.
I think about Ben again. The way he smiles at me when he thinks I’m not looking. The careful way he touches me, like I won’t shatter if he’s there. My chest aches. I want to tell him everything, I want to blurt out that I messed up and ruined both of our lives and beg him to stay with me anyway.
Except he won’t. Nobody would.
“You did this, April. You fix it. You don’t get to just pretend it didn’t happen.”
I don’t know how long I sit there, on the cold linoleum, tangled in the bathmat, wrapped around a secret no one canever know. Eventually the tears dry. My cheeks are stiff. My eyes burn. I feel hollowed out.
I’m alone. So fucking alone.
I force myself to breathe, in and out. I glance up and see the sun creeping in. New day. Same disaster.
I’m keeping it.
I don’t say the words out loud, but the decision lands in my chest like a stone. I’m keeping this baby. Even if it means I lose Ben. Even if it means my entire family cuts me off, I flunk out of school, or I have to do it all alone.
For a second, I let myself dream. What if, somehow, Ben came through? What if he wanted me anyway, even with all of this? I hold onto the impossible hope for a few seconds longer before I crush it, because that’s not my life. That’s never been my life.
When I finally get up, it’s because my legs have gone numb and I can’t feel my toes. I make myself go through the motions…wash my face, brush my teeth, change my clothes. I wrap the test in tissue and hide it at the back of my underwear drawer. Thinking if no one sees it, it’ll stop being real.
But it doesn’t stop.
The proof is living inside me now, whether I like it or not.
So I start the day. I pretend I’m fine, because what else am I going to do? I hold on to my secret and try to keep it from swallowing me whole.
Chapter 12
Ben
My body isn’t even fullyawake when I get April’s text notification. I fumble for the phone, still half asleep.
I can't see you anymore. Please don't contact me.
What?
My mind races.
