Jane’s eyes widened. With the innocent, blushing disbelief of a newly plucked flower, she gasped: “You haven’t? Why? What made him think it was a mistake?”
“There are many reasons.” Elizabeth told her awkwardly, “You know that he is reserved. Well, he was determined not to put me under any pressure and insisted that we be… chaste. I was willing, for I knew that Imust,but he would not accept. For a time, I thought that we might… that a certain feeling was growing between us, but… but then we were drunk, and upset, and it happened by accident. He did not mean to hurt me.”
“Hurt you?” Jane frowned, “Lizzie, you promised me that it didnot!The day in the woods…”
“That was not the same, Jane.” Elizabeth interrupted bluntly, “That was… I made Darcy promise that we would not be intimate. What you saw was… there are other ways to… he likes to bring me pleasure, Jane, and I… I am learning how to do the same for him.”
Jane’s eyes were wide as saucers. “That sounds rather intimate to me.”
“Yes, but we do not…” Elizabeth made a gesture that was as meaningless as it was possible to be. Jane blinked, looked away for a moment, and then spoke in a low voice.
“Because you are afraid that he will hurt you again?”
Elizabeth did not answer, but by her brick-red face and twisting hands Jane knew that she was right. Lizzie saw her sister’s face darken with concern and seized her arm anxiously.
“I did not tell Darcy that. There were other reasons to delay, and he accepted them. I am not afraid, Jane. Not all the time. I just… there is a moment, and then it passes. When I am not afraid, I want him with all of my soul, Jane. Is that sinful?”
The older girl laughed softly, “Lizzie, I just ruined myself for that exact reason. It did not hurt at all. The first time was a little surprising, I admit, but by the third time…”
Lizzie laughed in disbelief. It was so strange to discuss such lewd matters out loud, especially with the sister who had always seemed closer to taking holy orders than the others. She half expected a divine lightning bolt to shriek down from Heaven to smite them both! To hear sweet Jane say such things in her dear, gentle voice…
The only option was to laugh. Lizzie resorted to teasing: “It seems that you are more experienced than I, Jane!Threetimes?”
“Is that not normal? Charles was rather enthusiastic.” Jane smiled self-consciously at the memory and added, “Dearest, I am sure that it will not hurt you. Mr. Darcy loves you so much.”
“He loved me the last time, Jane.”
“Yes, but he was angry and drunk.”
Elizabeth had no answer to that, for it was her own description and sadly true. She sighed and shook her head, gesturing for them to turn around and start walking back towards the house. “Jane, now that you know what Darcy is like, and what Georgiana suffered, do you understand why I am asking you to keep this a secret?”
“Yes, my love. I shall tell Bingley at once.”
“In private?” Lizzie laughed at the immediate blush on her sister’s face. “Off you go then, dearest. I suppose you cannot bemoreruined.”
Chapter 67
Three days to go, and the ball became the entire world. Every waking moment in Pemberley was devoted to it. Plans, both overt and covert, were made and revised a thousand-and-one times.
How had all of their fortunes come to depend on a single night?
Mrs. Bennet was thinking much the same thing as she sat before her looking glass on the second day. Her curls had not quite come out right, and she was fussing at the frizzy locks with an annoyed purse to her lips.
Since the awful night before at the dinner table, Mrs. Bennet’s rabid assault upon her daughters’ prospects had been curtailed. It was not quite a tamed beast, and she was just as likely to kick and rear than she was to be reasonable, but there was finally a hint that she wanted to move in the same direction as her children.
Mrs. Bennet’s small rebellion was partly a selfish, humiliated thing which squirmed unpleasantly beneath her skin. She had been pleased to find herself seated at such a grand table and at first felt only the respect that a matron deserved. She had begun to feel warmly towards her daughters for the first time since herarrival, and was even prepared to be cordial to Elizabeth, if she had the opportunity.
All of her softness had been dashed to pieces by William Collins. He had sounded reasonable and mature in the letters they had long exchanged and their conversations at Longbourn. He had felt like an ally to a lady in need: sympathetic to her plight and genuinely remorseful for his part in it. He also flattered her ceaselessly, which was a balm to her aging ego.
When Mr. Bennet suffered the first in what turned out to be a long series of strokes, Mr. Collins was immediately at hand. He declared himself wholly at the family’s disposal - which also, of course, meant that they were required to be at his. His solution to the family’s looming downfall had been so simple, so perfect, that Jane’s refusal had shocked Mrs. Bennet to the core. It was as if somebody had told her that water was dry. It made no sense!
It was easier for Mrs. Bennet to convince herself that Jane was ignorant than for the woman to reconcile herself to the facts of their predicament. Mr. Bennet was becoming both physically and mentally incapable of managing his family. He had periods of lucidity and even appeared normal at times. He had managed to walk Elizabeth to her wedding with no ill effects and never allowed his growing confusion to stop him from reading the morning papers.
The inevitable prognosis, however, was grim. Mary was an excellent nurse, and the doctor was both capable and expensive, but they were unable to stop the tide.
Mrs. Bennet was terrified. They were adrift and still had no real connection to the house they held so dear. Faced with her eldest daughter’s refusal, Mrs. Bennet doubled down.
Her petrified plan was dependent on her trust in Mr. Collins. Mrs. Bennet firmly believed that he was the only hope that her family had. She was vaguely conscious of her own role in ostracising Elizabeth, but blamed her daughter in equal measure for her desertion. No help could come from that quarter, Mrs. Bennet was sure.
