I steady my breathing and strain my ears again, picking up the boss’ voice one more.
“Continue underperforming, and that—” he pauses, angling his head at the maybe-dead man, “will soon be your fate.”
My blood rushes to my ears and flames leap to life on my fingers. White noise and my pounding pulse are all I can hear. My demon is thundering in my chest, my entire body vibrating with rage that he would dare to threatenmyLor. My Starfire.
Flames lick at my sleeves and I look down to see my hands fully engulfed. My lip pulls up in a sneer and I push the flames away from my clothing, uncaring that my cuffs are already singed. I turn back to the window and am briefly surprised when I see my reflection.
There are flames in my eyes. My pupils are blown out, fully dilated and glowing with only a thin ring of iris around them. I close my eyes and suck in a breath.
I haven’t lost control like this since I was a kid first coming into my powers, and even then it never made my eyes glow.
I open them again, and peer into the warehouse to see the leader turning around. Finally. I burn his image into my brain; I’ll be seeing him again soon.
The other two could be statues for how still they’ve been this whole time, and that doesn’t change now. Lor waits for my new enemy to leave, then turns on her heel and strides out. A flare of pride shoots through me at her composure, but it’s quickly followed by worry, then rage. Has she been living like this her whole life?
I back down the fire escape, hands trembling and knees nearly knocking together until I drop to the ground and let out a shaky breath. My heart is racing, and fire still licks between my fingers, coating my palms. I won’t be able to touch anything flammable until I get it under control.
My mind flashes back to elementary school, when my powers first started emerging.
I was at a friend’s birthday party, in the backyard. They had an awesome play set with swings, a slide, a climbing wall and a rope ladder. We were playing pirates, waiting for the other kids to arrive. My friend was at the top, standing above the slide with an arm outstretched, pretending to hold a sword. We had just stolen all the treasure from the evil king and were making our great escape. I was climbing up the rope ladder, laughing and yelling about how fearsome we were.
I didn’t notice at first, still climbing, but then the rope started smoking. I smelled it first, then looked down to see blackened marks on the last few rungs I’d just climbed. I pulled my hand back, but it looked normal, so I kept going. I ignored the tingling warning that was zinging up the back of my neck. I ignored the smoking handprints. I even ignored it when myhand burned straight through one of the rungs; I was close enough to the wooden platform that I just hopped right up.
My friend shouted with triumph as he turned to me, his face pure joy, and I pushed back the apprehension lining my gut to join him. I fisted my hands and threw them in the air, yelling and hollering and forcing laughter.
But then he leapt toward me, pulling me into a jumping hug. My hand grazed his arm, and his joyful shouts morphed into a scream of pain. He shoved me away from him and I fell back, catching myself on my hands as my butt hit the wood while he stumbled to the slide. He gave me a horrified look of betrayal as he slid down, his mom already running outside toward us.
I was frozen with shock, having no idea what happened.
And then there was more than just smoke.
The wood of the play structure caught fire beneath my hands. It was old and dry, so it went up in flames quickly. I don’t remember much of what happened in those moments, only that the fire burned my clothing away, burned the entire play structure to the ground, but no part of my body was injured. Not even my hair.
The fire department arrived before the fire could spread, and it was quickly doused. The party was cancelled, my friend was taken to the hospital with second degree burns, and I learned what my demon affinity was.
Fire.
I shake the memory away and will my inner demon to settle, but the memory on top of what I just saw Lor going through has me too worked up. The flames rise again, and I shake my hands in a desperate attempt to put them out. I know it won’t work, but I’m stuck here until the flames recede. I spin around, searching for a puddle, a random bucket of water, even the sky to see if it might start raining. There’s nothing, and the flames grow alongside my panic.
I thought I was better than this. I thought I had control over the flames, but with every moment it gets worse.
I run down the alley, needing to get away from that warehouse, but also somewhere I can’t hurt anyone. I turn a corner and find a different alley lined with brick buildings, and there’s a metal dumpster on one side. My heart is pounding, the blood rushing in my ears again as I start running toward it.
I fling my hands out as soon as I get close, and flames spiral away, shooting through the air into the dumpster. I bend forward, my arms thrust in front of me as I drop my head and pant. The flames are still pouring out of me, heating the air and sizzling over the metal. The stench of burning garbage rises, my chest heaves for breath, and my gut clenches with nausea. My thoughts spin and spin, so fast I can’t sort one from the next, and still, the fire rages.
My arms burn with the effort of holding them up and my hands shake, my eyes glassy with tears as I clench my jaw. The air shimmers with heat, and a sob lodges in my throat.
This isn’t me.
This isn’t who I want to be.
Then another voice pops into my head. It sounds like my therapist, but then it sounds like me, or some strange combination of the two. It’s saying I can do this, that I’m more than the urges, more than the flame. I’ve controlled them before and I can control them again. Find my center, find my peace, stay grounded.
I stomp my feet and focus on the ground beneath my boots instead of the burn rushing from my fingertips. It’s solid, hard, with a stone beneath the ball of one foot.
I tense my legs, then unlock them and shift my attention to my lungs.
I focus on taking deep breaths, slowing my breathing until I feel more steady. It takes ages, but it’s helping.
