When I roll over again, she huffs, and my eyes fly open.
“Ugh. Just get up here,” Raya’s voice carries an edge of exasperation, the whisper-yell sounding like a canon in the otherwise quiet room. The silence reverberates around us and ricochets through my head as I try to comprehend what she’s implying.
“Can you elaborate?”
“I’m sick of feeling guilty for having the bed and you’re clearly not comfortable and we both need to be our best which means getting a good night’s sleep at least once this week so just… sleep up here.” She word vomits, then grabs a pillow and shoves it over her face before quickly emerging again to set some ground rules. “No touching, we’ll build a pillow wall and stay on our own sides, but I don’t want your floor blankets in the bed.”
I let out a soft chuckle into the safety of the darkened room, but her point is valid. I wouldn’t want ‘floor blankets’ in the bed either.
I raise my head to look at her, but can barely make out her features in the darkened room.
“You sure?” I ask, but she’s already re-arranging the pillows in a line down the middle of the mattress. I think she attempts to glare at me before pulling back the blankets on what will be my side of the bed and then flopping dramatically back down, facing away from the pillow wall and curling up with another huff.
I tuck myself in as quickly and quietly as I can, then proceed to not fall asleep for hours as I strain my self control, refusing to even glance in her direction. It’s much harder said than done, but I manage for the most part. Unfortunately, I can’t turn my ears or nose off, so I’m forced listen to her resting peacefully next to me as her sweet scent surrounds us until I finally drift off, wondering if I’ll see her in my dreams again.
Raya ison my side of the bed, wrapped around me like a koala with her legs entwined with mine, an arm flung over my chest, and her face nuzzled right into my neck. I both love and hate this moment. I’ve been dreaming of her body flush against mine ever since The Hug. The Hug, when she smashed through all the walls and boundaries I’ve spent my entire life building around my body, mind, and heart, taking everything I have and claiming it as her own. The Hug that taught me how to hug. The Hug that made me feel things I’ve never trulyfelt before, things I used to dream of feeling, but gave up on long ago. The Hug that felt like it twined our souls together.
I squeeze my eyes shut, and it’s then that I realize this isn’t like those other dreams. This moment has that ethereal quality in between dreaming and waking where you still have one foot in each realm.
I tip one eye open the smallest sliver so I can peek down at her. Raya has somehow completely obliterated the pillow wall. It’s nowhere to be found, and my brain is clearly not functioning yet because the only thought I have ishow can someone with such terrible morning breath possibly be so beautiful?
The obvious answer is that it’s impossible. I’m still in that dream world imagining her warmth against me, with all her soft curves perfectly fitting into my hard planes. Her plush lips barely brushing against my neck every few seconds. Her honey-blonde hair boldly fanned across my shoulder and pillow as though it has every right to be there. The toned muscle of her leg snug against mine with the sheets tangled around them, tying us together.
Maybe if I close my eyes I’ll go back to sleep fully, and then when I wake up things will be back to normal, pillow wall and all.
I close both eyes again, focusing on falling asleep, breathing deep and slow.
It doesn’t work.
I can’t focus on anything other thanher.
Her sweet, strawberry coconut scent. Her petal-soft skin.
Her beautiful brown eyes, hazy with sleep, blinking up at me.
Wait.
I startle, a small jump in my muscles that causes her eyes to fly open. Raya practically leaps away from me, though the tangled sheets make it impossible, so she ends up flopping around like a fishout of water.
I try to hold in my mirth. I really do, but it’s such an unbelievable situation, and the uncoordinated, flailing limbs next to me are a sight to behold.
The laugh bubbles up from deep in my chest, a full, joyous feeling overcoming me as it releases into the world.
Raya freezes, wavy hair falling into her face, a cluster of limbs and sheets, and stares at me with her jaw hanging open. It’s such a comical scene that it only encourages my laughter. A fleeting worry that she’ll be offended by my outburst passes through my mind, but before I can even acknowledge it, she’s cracking up right along with me.
Her eyes crinkle at the corners and a belly laugh like I’ve never heard bursts out of her. She howls with laughter, then wraps her arms around her stomach as she leans forward. My sides are starting to hurt with the force of my own laughter.
“What is happening?! “ she manages to croak out, and we both wipe tears from our eyes.
“I think we’re laughing, sunshine," I reply.
I’ve never laughed until I cried before, and I’m not sure whether I like it, what with the stomach cramp and aching cheeks and all. It feels too open, too vulnerable, like I’m exposing my soft heart to a potentially deadly flame, unsure how close I can get before it starts to burn. The light reverberating out of her is worth it though.
I haven’t had much joy or happiness in my life, but it’s one of those things you don’t realize you’re missing until it shows up. Now, I look back and see my life in shades of grey. Loneliness, depression, rejection… I grew up never being enough for my parents. Not ruthless enough, not hungry enough, not smart enough or big enough or ambitious enough, and all of it is still true. I’ve never fit into their world, and even when I accepted that and did my best to cut ties,myworld stayed relatively grey.
A lighter shade maybe, but still grey.
Until Raya. She struck me like a laser beam of undiluted euphoria. At first, she scalded me with her brightness; I’m not used to color or light in my world, so being in close proximity to it—to her—was blinding.
