He gives me a hug, and my annoyance dampens slightly. It’s nice to have a moment alone with Dad. Sometimes Mom’s overbearing presence drowns out our relationship.
“Why don’t you head to the house now,” he continues. “I need to go pick up Kelsey from school and run a few errands.”
I know what he’s doing. He’s going to kill time so Mom and I can talk alone. There’s nothing I’d rather do less, but I don’t think this is something I can avoid anymore.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Mom is sitting at the kitchen table when I walk into the house. She gives me a weak smile.
“Hey.”
I take my time dropping my book bag on the ground and toeing off my shoes. I wish I could walk straight past her and up the stairs to my room, but she’ll only follow me. Or maybe she won’t and then Dad will come home and make us sit down together.
I sigh and sit across the table from her. I will admit, she doesn’t look good. Her eyes are rimmed in red, her face is blotchy, and her hair is a mess the way mine gets when I’m frazzled and can’t give it the time it requires. I avoided reflective surfaces on my way home, but I’m sure I’m not looking much better.
“Hazel.” Her voice is soft and low. I don’t look at her. “I’m so sorry about missing today. You know how much Iwas looking forward to being there to support you and the rest of the band. I promise it wasn’t intentional.”
“I know it wasn’t.”
If it was intentional, we’d be having a whole different conversation. My thoughts drift to Max and how upset he was when he heard his dad was choosing to skip state. There’s something almost cruel about that. Mom only made a mistake, and I know I’ve made plenty as well. Resentment still bubbles up inside me, though. How could she put so much pressure on me and then not take it seriously herself? She could make elaborate meals for her D&D games, and advise Kelsey’s 4-H club, and volunteer for every position known to man, but she couldn’t prioritize today?
When I stay silent, she asks, “So…do you want to tell me how it went?”
My stomach twists and my throat grows tight. I don’t want to tell her and watch her try to hold back her disappointment. I don’t want to hear her patronizing words. At least if she’d been at school, there would’ve been a possibility of missing her initial reaction since I’d be too busy cheering for Nova. But now…in this silent kitchen? I don’t know that I can get the words out.
“Uh, Li won the freshman award,” I reply, chickeningout.
“Oh, that’s wonderful!”
“She was really shocked.” I smile for a moment. “But she was a shoo-in. There was no question.”
“Like you freshman year.”
I meet her eye, and the tears I’ve been fighting against finally spill down my cheeks. “I didn’t win, Mom. Okay? I knowyou really wanted me to, but I didn’t win.” I swallow down a sob. “I’m sorry.”
I push back my chair to leave, but she leans forward and grabs my hand. “Wait, Hazel, please.” She stands and pulls me up to my feet and then into her arms. “It’s okay,” she whispers.
I cry harder and I think maybe she’s crying too, but I’m not certain. After a few minutes she pulls away and studies my face.
“I didn’t know you wanted it this much.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t. I’m not crying about that. I mean, sure, it feels good to win things and I worked really hard with color guard this season, but it’s okay. Nova won and she totally deserved it—she’s never won anything like that before and I have. I’m happy for her.”
“I am too. She’s a great kid.”
“But I know how muchyouwanted it for me. You wanted me to continue your legacy, and I didn’t.” I swallow to stop my voice from breaking. “I let you down. It’s probably good you weren’t there to see it.”
“No!” She lifts her hands to cup my cheeks. “I don’t care about the award. I don’t care if you get Superiors at state. I don’t care if you decide to drop out of band tonight. I just want you to behappy.That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
I shake my head at the words.
“It’s true. Listen to me when I say this.” She lowers her hands from my face and instead squeezes both my hands. “I don’t care about anything but your happiness. Yes, maybe I’ve been a little intense this season—”
I snort-laugh, which is a very weird feeling because I’m also still crying. She smiles ruefully.
“My intensity wasn’t about the awards and the rankings and all that. I just remember how happy I was in band and the joy I felt when we performed well at state and how special it felt to get that award. Those were some of the best times of my life. And so I thought, if you had similar experiences, then you’d feel the same way as me. But clearly I was very wrong.”
“I was already happy, even without all that stuff. And it’s not that I don’t want the band to do well, but it’s exhausting having this pressure on me all the time. Like today, I wanted to focus on Nova and Li, but all I could think about was the fact that you weren’t there and how you were going to react when you eventually found out the results.”
